another one where i realize again stuff that i already realized before

one of my closest friends is in the very early stages of divorce with the mother of his two (very young) children. i won't be sharing any details that aren't mine to share but i will say that it's bringing up a lot of feelings for me. honestly they are easier to deal with because they aren't happening TO me but nonetheless i'm feeling sadness for the vast amounts of pain that they're going to experience now/soon or shove down deep and experience later...or never. i suspect it will be ugly in the way that all divorces (even amicable ones) are ugly and especially so because there's a certain bit of faith left in them that it won't and doesn't have to be ugly.

i don't know any person who hasn't been profoundly changed by their divorce, for better or worse. for me, as a human being, a mother, a partner i feel like most of the changes have been positive. i'm more carefree, more able to accept change, more likely to listen to and be in tune with my partner, less judgmental. that said, i'm slower to speak up for myself, terrified of even small arguments, and endlessly internal before i am willing/ready to talk about things that are bothering me. it's only been in the last six months or so that i've become sort of certain-ish that a difference of opinion with d isn't going to have him packing his shit in boxes and out the next morning with little more than a see-ya! to the kids and me. this has meant learning to balance my compulsive need to be not just a cool, smart, understanding, easy-going girlfriend but THE coolest, smartest, most understanding, most easy-going girlfriend with my deep down desire to be happy...and not a doormat. (thankfully i'm with someone who loves me deeply (right heather!? right?!) and hasn't taken advantage of these facts.)

oh yeah, and perpetual navel-gazing. there's that too.

no really, i mean it this time

my resolution this year is to blog every day (or almost in any case) ...even if just a photo or a few words.

so um, happy new years from this crazy bunch.

wave magazine

Live, Beautiful Chocolate

Live, Beautiful Chocolate: Snake & Butterfly

Our new favorite stand at the Campbell farmers market on Sundays is the intriguingly named organic chocolate line Snake & Butterfly. Made locally in Campbell, the fair-trade, organic chocolate range includes some “live” bars, which means the treats are choc full of healthy nutrients, including valuable antioxidants. Celeste Flores (who you’ll likely see at the market stall) and her team produce all of their own chocolate, which is refined, tempered and hand-poured in small batches using traditional methods in their own little factory. Their wares include a range of single origin chocolate bars (we’re fans of the Madagascar, which has a berry-like flavor), plus uniquely flavored truffles (try the Thai, richly flavored with coconut, lemongrass, lime and cayenne), gourmet marshmallows and much more.

www.snakeandbutterfly.com

http://www.thewavemagazine.com/2009/12/01/live-beautiful-chocolate/

s&b giftboxes

longer post to follow but don't forget to check out snakeandbutterfly.com for awesome holiday selections!

three years since

seems a lifetime ago, an impossibility, that three years (and two days) ago 'the bad thing' happened. i can put myself back in that moment but it's gotten harder to do, and there's less reason to do it now. this un-iversary was more of an 'ah, it's november 26th, is it?' than a moment of panic and realization. i still don't know why he left, if it was worth it to him, and what he sees as the future for himself and his kids. things over the last several months have been predictably up and down. he's putting the kids to bed at our house on most wednesday nights so that d and i can play tennis and have a date and taking them while i work on sundays at the market. that said, c/s is generally late, predictably so...two or three days, never more than four. he invites me to dinner with them, the four of us, like a family, but i almost always decline because it feels somehow incestuous, though it probably means nothing. right? we were never that family, a family of three and mr. baby some sort of tipping point.

i teared up a bit on thanksgiving up at nanny's house as we went around the table and said what we were thankful for. parker for 'mama,' lorenzo for 'd2', d for me and me 'for second chances.' i'm thankful this year for my children, three (one more than planned!). i'm thankful for the man sharing parenting and homelife with me, the boredom and joy of domesticity. i'm thankful for my business, most especially my partners: ben and dad and jen. i'm thankful for my family and my friends and this fantastic (hardwood floored) home. i'm thankful to find myself happy again, whole and not afraid after all this time.

'stay for a while while our leaves are still green'

Oh, it was the first time I fell in love / the first time I felt my heart / it was the first time I sang out loud all through the night / but before I knew I was prisoner / and I still can't find a way to make it right lost, / before I knew I was a prisoner

-bb

this is mostly a joyful, productive, and generally lovey-dovey time in my life. i have lots and lots to say about my beautiful children, my booming business, my new obsession with tennis (!), and so on and so forth but for now, gratitude upon gratitude for the challenge and contentedness that is d. this has become quickly (2+ years already?) domestic, oddly marriage-like but more personal-growth-y and with better sex. step-parenting is hard. and co-parenting is hard. and christmas apart is hard. but yes, yes this the happiness of knowing you're doing something fucking difficult that's totally worth it. this is a man who is perpetually disgruntled, steadfast in his manhood, able to set me into motion when i'm settled into my stillness, and excessively layered. this is me, realizing that no one ever really changes (despite pushing and molding and passive-aggressive withholding) and falling asleep smiling in spite of it.