still reading

_the grass harp_

so little, once it has changed, changes back: the world knew us: we would never be warm again: i let go, saw winter coming toward a cold tree, cried, cried, came apart like a rain-rotted rag. (p 60)

'i was that sorry for him and loved him more than a tongue can tell.' (p 74)

'but a man who doesn't dream is like a man who doesn't sweat: he stores up a lot of poison.' (p83)

r called at 7.20 last night. he was hung-over when he got here this morning and left at 1.30.

i spent 5 hours in urgent care getting 2liters of IV fluids for dehydration.

feeling done...again

so we got home yesterday and after having not slept well since the middle of the week i was feeling jet-lagged and a bit queasy. then, r didn't call to say goodnight to parker until 8.45. when i pointed this out he got really defensive. we got into it over the phone and he was generally a big jerk to me saying that i took the kids away from him...what little time he actually has with them. i didn't point out to him that he's had as much time with them as he's desired and that's been really very little. so anyway. miss p had croup, 'renzo has had a fever since friday and i was starting to feel shitty by the time i talked to him. i asked him to come over earlier and he starting yelling that he "works all the fucking time" and didn't i think he was tired. i didn't tell him that MY job has no breaks, even at night.

i ate dinner here at the house with my mom here at the house and started to feel super sick to my stomach. i wound up calling her at midnight after i'd vomited with a screaming 'renzo on the bathroom floor. i was up all night with the flu, barfing and diarrhea. i called r at 12am, 2am, 6am, and 8.30am. he wouldn't answer his phone. he claims to have turned it off. austin wound up coming over to help me today. r came over but was pissy with me and the kids, completely unsympathetic to me being really sick and passing me the baby every chance he got (despite the fact that i couldn't even sit up in bed). i asked if he could stay and help me during the night tonight and he said no, his friends were throwing him a birthday party. tomorrow? well, he's going to a costume party after work for a friend. sorry.

riiight

he claims to have called three times last night. he didn't leave a message. somehow caleb managed to get through to me.

also. i asked him to deposit his paycheck last saturday. he didn't. i texted him on wednesday night. he said he'd do it thursday. he didn't. today he gave me some bullshit story about leaving the check in his mom's car and her being in san franscisco and blahblahblah whatever.

birth * delight * honesty

(from those cute little cards the elisa keeps on her computer desk)

speaking of birth, i had just started my doula training when r left me. i never mentioned it on here for some reason. needless to say, that's on hold for a while like so many other things.

g*d has a sense of humour

i did say it was easier to be mad. i was feeling hurt and sad all day and then guess what? HE DIDN'T CALL. finally at 8.15 i texted him and told him not to bother. why is he fucking up like this? doesn't he love these kids?

list the first

1) is it possible to forgive r? does he deserve my forgiveness? is forgiveness mine to give?both my dad and austin have mentioned karma & other spiritual kicks in the ass. if only that gave me more peace. i guess it would help if i stopped loving him.

2) lorenzo crawled up the stairs for the first time on tuesday! need i remind everyone that he's only SIX months old?

3) r missed it. he also missed the first time lorenzo sat up. the first time he tried solid food. the first time he pulled up on the couch. he's just about to miss his first steps.

4) lorenzo lights up & reaches out his arms for my dad when he sees him. thankfully he does this for me too so i can just be happy for us both. ;o)

5) parker has started asking my dad to hold her when she hurts herself. thankfully, since this happens about 93 billion times a day there is plenty to go around. plus she gives me lovely cuddles and conversation before bed.

6) also, not r.

7) it's a balmy 45 degrees today in port townsend. brrr. what else is new? that said, there's a beautiful view of the snow covered mountains not so far off in the left. (have i mentioned i have no idea which direction north is? ever.) it really is lovely here. if only it were warmer. i guess i'm a california sissy afterall.

8) i'm really freaking tired. when will i be less tired? never? what?! don't say that!

9) "you can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." -joseph goldstein surfing? yes please! it's been too long. austin you out there?

10) i am not a selfish person. i am not a taker. no matter what he tells me. i'm not.

damn this

i woke up feeling sad this morning. i remember having dreams about r. it's so much easier being mad at him. in the week between our appointments i'm always making mental lists of things i need to talk about, usually grievances. then, something (like a dream or a nice interaction) happens and all i can think of is: fuck you. come back to us. some days this whole thing feels surreal.

8 weeks

missing you
is a craving
not satisfied

miss p keeps telling me that god will bring daddy home. do we believe in god now? what if she's wrong?

*gurgle*

no, not my stomach. just some writing (poetryish) bubbling under the surface. i'm going to dig up a bunch of my old stuff when i get home and start posting it here to edit. a before and after sort of deal i think. also, maybe some new stuff. it's that lemons and lemonade bullshit. more stuff i don't believe in.

also, maybe i'll start doing lists like crazy aunt purl (read her funny blog). that should be exciting and meaningful eh?

not related to anything: congratulations to austin for getting accepted into nursing school up in san francisco. that is SO cool. he'll make an excellent murse (man+nurse=murse) i'm quite sure!

i'm reading truman capote's _the grass harp_ which is actually a collection of short stories. remember when i used to have time to read and i'd post about it? no? me neither.

'you wrong, sugar. if you feed a man, and wash his clothes, and born his children, you and that man are married, that man is yours. if you sweep a house, and tend its fires and fill its stove, and there is love in you all the years you are doing this, then you and that house are married, that house is yours.' (p 30)

*brrr*

so we're here in port townsend now staying at my aunt diane's house. it's great to be around family but damn, it's COLD! i don't think i've been up here in the winter time since i was a little baby. the kids seem unphased. miss p is having a great time playing with her cousin nino (he's just a few months younger).

the more i talk about this whole thing with r the more pissed i get. i mean, i know he's going through something but for the love of god man! how does a person walk out on two such incredible kids??? he says he wants to be a man. "i want to smoke cigars and drink cognac. i want to take risks and make a lot of money. i want to drive a muscle car." TOO BAD. you made these babies now provide a little stability for them. and while you're at it, a good freaking example! he told me he's gotten more chauvanistic since he's gotten older. *scratches head* he also says i'm not feminine enough. he said that watching me give birth to lorenzo just empowered me more and made things worse for him. *!!!*

sleepy in seattle

so we spent two wonderful days visiting with linda and charlie in seattle in their new (really cool) condo. we also got to see erica and denny, the musgrove clan(!), and caleb (r's cousin and bestman) and danielle (his lovely wife). everyone was wonderfully supportive. i was really nervous about how caleb and danielle would treat me but they were just awesome. they agree that r is behaving badly and that he's majorly broken our marriage vows.

speaking of...the last two nights that i've talked to him on the phone he's been a total jerk, very cold. as you all know he's supposed to call to say goodnight to miss p at 7pm. here is a rundown of the nights he's been late calling since p's birthday.

1.13 - 7.38pm
1.14 - 7.15pm
1.18 - 7.08pm
1.21 - 7.17pm "it was really busy here at work."
1.22 - 7.24pm "i lost track of time and forgot. well, i didn't forget."

outta here!

the kids and i (and my dad) are flying to seattle bright and early tomorrow morning for some much needed r&r. *yes* i'll try to blog a couple of times while we're up there. ciao for now.

it's called "mother" earth for a reason

i say it every week after our appointment: i love bob. he refers to himself as an old baboon. he's taken r under his wing as a young baboon. i believe he came into our lives at the right time. thank you rosanna if you are still following this.

i verbalized something today that r and i haven't really talked about. we've come to an agreement of sorts. he can take this time to "find himself" as long as he slows this shit down a bit (i.e. doesn't get a lawyer or file any papers). he is to continue to support the kids and i. he isn't to see other women. i'm trying my best not to judge his character. and to protect myself an the kids.

(fair warning to mdc readers, i'm about to quote myself.) it comes down to this: even if he asked me if he could come home tonight i don't know if i'd let him without a lot more therapy. i said to my dad at the beginning if this mess that this won't happen to me twice. not with r. not with anyone else. that said, my kids deserve a father and i don't have the right to cut and run even though that would be easiest.

i hope the people in my life can understand that i'm not being naive or letting him walk all over me. i truly believe in the vows we took (more than i even thought when i took them). i truly believe that the ideal situation for our kids is for us to find our way back to each other. but i won't compromise my self for that either.

something changed between r and i in the last week and a half or so. namely, he stopped lying to me and i stopped coming down on him really hard. we're rebuilding our friendship. that's where we started 11 years ago. as friends. that's something.

at first i thought this situation was about us. it turns out this is his life crisis. hopefully, i'll grow from it as well.

this has become more about the process and less about the outcome.

more later.

smarty-pants

there's an old saying in tennessee — i know it's in texas, probably in tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. fool me — you can't get fooled again. -bushism

i'll explain this later. baby on the boob and i'm no good at one handed typing.

;o)

ahh. three year olds!

parker found a (clean) wrapped tampon at my mom's house and asked her if it was string cheese. hehe

fluff

'renzo got his first tooth about a week ago. yay! also, he's a chow hound, nursing a ton and insisting on participating in at least two meals a day. sometimes that means munching banana or avocado or (his current favorite) pre-chewed peas. other times he's just happy to sit at the table and bang a spoon on his tray.

kudos to the nbc show scrubs for an awesome episode dealing with post-partum depression. and kudos too to the cbs show two and a half men for a totally normal breastfeeding scene with guest actress sara rue.

did i mention american idol premiered last night? wtf was up with paula?

writing

i wasn't posting on the blog when i wrote this. just came across it. i'm starting to ruminate again. more to follow.

four nights

four nights since you left
and we creep home - scared
to find you gone
or there
we sleep weep seep to the edges
of our bed
i'm trying hard to keep us together

our daughter is confused
our son too small to notice anything but
the slowing trickle of milk - my milk

you left us with overflowing gutters
plans to paint the bathroom
turkey stock gone to waste in the fridge
i'm reduced to hiding your dirty shirts
in my underwear drawer
frantically cleaning counters
and praying to a god i told you
i don't believe in

(c) celeste mylastname 2007

she can see the other side

over a year ago i posted this. it didn't stop there.

miss p remembers tony (my grandpa). he died the day she turned 8 months old and she laughed and pointed at the ceiling that day while we viewed his body and said goodbye. she brings him up out of the blue. she told us the other day (over gnocchi) that he lives with noni.

she also insists that r is coming home to us when he's "done being sick." i have told her since the day he left that i didn't know if he was coming back. she's adamant. not emotional particularly, just sure.

ya'll love gossip & i love ya'll

i'll be back with a real post later but i just have to comment on the number of hits my blog has gotten lately! (can you imagine how many readers i'll have when i reveal that miss p has an evil twin sister that was given up for adoption?) *haha* i mean, i didn't think my life was boring before the shit hit the fan but my readership was er, lacking. it's exciting too see how many people read about us. so, thanks guys!

par-tay

well, we survived. it was pretty awkward but we all survived. r's dad was in one of his moods and the first (and only) thing he said to me was: "your hair looks better. i didn't like that butch cut you had before. at least this has some style. the other one was just...eh." only it was meaner than that and he did it right in front of r. boingo. his parents segregated themselves from everyone else and were just generally uncomfortable the whole time.

r himself was way out of it. a week ago i asked him to bring drinks and balloons to the party. we talked about it several times during the week, including the night before the party and about an hour before the party. he arrives with a (really nice) bunch of balloons and tells me he has a bags of food in the car. i followed him out to the jeep to help him. he has food. and no drinks. r, are where are the drinks? "oh shit! i'll be right back. i have to go to safeway." people in your condition should not be operating heavy machinery.

after the party he and p were playing outside. they left their jackets inside and it was freeeezing out so i grabbed 'em and went out there. r, here are your jackets in case you two get cold. no answer. i'll just put them here for you. no answer. i went back inside. about 10 minutes later they come inside and r (of course) has to go. "where is my jacket?" what do you mean? don't you remember outside a few minutes ago? "no." he honestly didn't remember.

something is wrong with him. (and it doesn't have to do with a the woman he was seeing. she's moved on. and he's come clean with me about that. the trust aspect of this relationship is something i'll revisit in the blog later.) he comes over (he's been on time the last three days. yay.) to play with the kids and he's good-ish for about an hour. then he starts staring off into space. or text messaging. or opening and closing the fridge. by two hours he is talking about leaving. by three hours he is gone.

everyone that knows r knows that a few months ago the kids were the center of his world. now, he sees them because he feels guilty. he has admitted that he's putting himself first. (as if i hadn't noticed by the fact that he's drinking, smoking, gambling, womanizing, etc.). he's constantly antsy. he just can't hang. he's different. austin said seeing him was like seeing someone who looks like r. but isn't r. my dad says it's like body snatchers. i say it sucks the big one for me and the kids.

miss p turned three!

i'll post later with the juicy stuff you all come here to read but for now: miss p!!!

r, 'renz, p & i took the train to japantown for lunch yesterday only to find that every single japanese restaurant was closed between 2 & 5 (it was 2.30). thankfully there was a korean restaurant open that served "shoo-shee" and parker didn't know the difference. r left at about 4.30 and auntie amanda, gram debbie, papa vince, gram maria & uncle wiggly came over. we all went in the hot tub and then had pizza. then we had carrot cake and strawberry icecream for dessert! all in all a pretty good day.

day one
one year
two years!
three!!!

just sayin'

he didn't bother to call to say goodnight to miss p tonight. tomorrow is her 3rd birthday.

just noting...

i'll try and post an "important" post tonight after the kids go to sleep (assuming i'm not asleep first).

just noting however:

r said he'd be over at 11.00am yesterday and arrived at about 11.15am.

r said he'd call parker at 7.00pm to say goodnight (like he is supposed to every night) and he called her at 7.20pm. she refused to talk to him.

r said he'd be over this morning at 8.00am and he arrived at 8.15am.

i offered to have him take parker while i went to the la leche league meeting tomorrow with 'renzo. he said, "no that's okay. she like to play there. i'll see you at noon." (read: i'm sleeping in.)

i'm tired.

the kiddos

the kiddos are getting big! lorenzo turned 6 months old a few days ago (i'll post pictures when i get home) and parker will be THREE on friday. they both had checkups last friday.

'renzer was 15lbs. 15oz. (20th percentile) and 27" (75th percentile) long.
miss p was 28.5lbs. (50th percentile) and 36 & 3/4" (50th percentile) tall.

expect at least a dozen posts today!

guess where i am! no really, guess! i'm sitting at the lovely expansive bar that is my dad's domain during the day and r's at night. i had lunch today. ALL BY MYSELF! r arrived an hour and fifteen minutes late to see the kids today and i left almost immediately after he got there. i got my eyebrows waxed. i went to the bookstore. then, i came here to the old LB for lunch. spinich salad with pecans, apples, and blue cheese. a most delicious bowl of french onion soup. an a bottle of figi water (just like being there. er, almost).

and guess where i went yesterday? to the MOVIES. a movie! i took my dad to the movies! (we saw blood diamond, it was good). mr. super single dad guy took his adoring children to the mall. parker wanted to go to the park and he took them to the mall. he had pants that were being hemmed. so he took them to the mall. how nice for them. real quality daddy time. parker screamed when he left that she didn't like daddy, she didn't want to go in the car with him anymore and she didn't want me to leave her with him. these poor kids. how the fuck is he doing this with no apparent guit?
.

hell hath no fury

well. two nights ago i found the biggest box that i could (and so lucky it happened to be a carseat box) and crammed as much of r shit into as i could. this included the three sweaters, four belts, and two pairs of shoes that he left in the closet to taunt me. (seriously what other reason was there to leave these things when he took all the rest of his clothes?! none. the big jerk.) anyway, also included in the big box was his bedside table stuff, his EIGHT pairs of sunglasses, some keys (to what?), some books, his pda, his fly fishing pole, his pool stick, etc. ahhh. *sigh of relief* my closet is HUGE people. there is tons of storage under my bed! speaking of beds...do you know how much room there is in my bed (even with two little snuggle bugs)? positive people, i'm thinking positive.

and then what did i do with that goddamn box? i puuuuushed it out into the living room (the thing was way too cumbersome to carry. i'm serious the box was 3.5 feet tall). then my dad puuuuushed it out onto the porch. the next day when r came over i sat inside and laughed while he struggled to pick the goddamn thing up. the veins in his neck were popping out and everything. then, i laughed while he was trying to cram it in the backseat of the jeep (2 door wrangler folks). and gosh durn it. the fucking box wouldn't even fit in the back seat. he had to drag it around to the passenger side and put it on the seat next to him.

SO THERE!

for sale: one slightly damaged (but fantastic) wife & mother of two

thursday was a shitty day. r came over and was being passive aggressive. he said he had errands. i asked him what kind. "just a few." like what? "it doesn't matter what kind." can't i be curious? "yeah, you can be curious." silence. this upsets me. because, you know, we're married still and his life is my business. then i notice that he isn't wearing his wedding ring. why not? he holds up his hands. no rings. "i decided i don't want to wear rings." r, that's a bullshit answer. tell me the truth. "we're not married. i don't want to wear my ring." but we are married. "don't do this in front of the kids." (suddenly he gives a crap about the kids???) then you need to leave. "no, this is my house. i have a right to be here." no, you left r. please leave. "no. stop doing this in front of the kids." then i need you to leave. "i'll leave later. the kids are mine too." i know that. but i'm begging you to leave. "no." then i'll call the police. finally, on his terms, he leaves. but not before telling me he won't be saying "i love you anymore." wonderful.

but wait, it gets better. later that afternoon it is brought to my attention that r took the night off of work and has dinner reservations at a nice restaurant in san francisco. for two. i find out which restaurant and at what time. a friend of a friend of a friend volunteers to check it out. this person describes his date as "blonge. lots of eye makeup. sleezy looking." it's bar girl with him. bar slut? (but truly, i blame r.) and i have proof now. at least my path is clear.

friday (yesterday morning) we have our appointment with bob. he can tell i'm mad when we sit down. i tell him there are still three of us involved with therapy and that that isn't ok with me. i want a divorce. bob and r look confused. r, where were you last night? he looks me in the eyes. "at home." you're lying to me. "no, i was at home." i know you weren't at home. why are you bothering to lie to me? "ok. but i'm not. i was at home." no, you weren't. you were in san francisco with xxx. i have proof. silence. "we're just friends." bullshit. you told me you broke it off with her. "i did." and so on... i deserve better. i deserve better.

it comes out during the session that he's happier than he's ever been. that it is none of my business what he does or how he is spending our money. that he's a giver and i'm a taker. that i can be summed up in one word: selfish. etc.

i guess even after 11 years it's possible to not know someone.

bob (in all his fantabulousness) talked r out of getting a lawyer. that's money we don't have. we're going to try and do it ourselves. of course if he trys to dick me around all bets are off.

i'm still praying for a miracle (namely that he comes to his senses and realizes the loss he'll be facing) but i'm not hopeful.

it's over

looks as though i'll be divorced sometime before my 26th birthday, maybe even before my 25th. i'll be back with the details later. prayers & positive thoughts much appreciated.

yesterday r came over at 8.30ish. he was in one of his depressed moods. he sat with his head in his hands and couldn't seem to hear me when i was talking to him. he wound up leaving because he was "not feeling well." at about 11.00 so he could go sleep. did i mention i'm sick? yeah. did i mention that 'renzo is sick? he left with an "i hope you feel better."

amanda was kind enough to help me for most of the day. then my dad (who is ALSO sick) came over to make soup and help me get the kids settled for the night. i got 'renzo down and parker was getting close to sleep when the cat came in the bedroom and puked ALL over. HUGE amount of puke. parker was all excited. "it's okay mama, you can clean it up." yup, it's MY job now cause daddy left. so i cleaned it up (with parker's direction of course) and then miss p accidentally put her hand/arm in another pile and freaked out. so loudly that she woke up her brother. so at 10.00 we all piled into the bathtub. it took an hour to get them both back to sleep. then at 12.00am lorenzo wakes up screaming bloody murder. i had to walk around the house with him for 20 minutes to get him back to sleep. then, an hour later, it happened again. and finally again this morning around 6. the middle time i rolled over to ask r if he could please take a turn. all i found was miss p sweating and snoring and a cat butt. *yawn*

r said he'd be over this morning between 10.30 and 11. he arrived at 11.15. *yawn* totally perky. a little manic even. he took the kids to the grocery store (asked me for some money which i wouldn't give to him, he had a wad of cash...) and then came back and made lunch. he took the kids over to the playground where i found him text-messaging his work buddy instead of playing with parker.

i had an appointment with my therapist today (1st time in a couple of weeks) and he asked if i needed him to watch the kids. i said i "wasn't counting on" him. my mom (SICK remember?) agreed to come over which was good because he said he had some errands before he went to work. errand? "yeah, a few stops. i need pants." oh? "yeah, i'm going to interview for some jobs." you have an interview? "no. not yet." *scratches head* then he tells me he's going to take his running shoes and slacks out of the closet. uh. ok. he tells me to "have fun" at my appointment and apparently decided to stay with my mom and the kids while i went. errands shmerrands.

to sum up, in the last month & a half:
i cleaned up cat puke.
i fed, bathed, clothed (RAISED) the children.
i took out the garbage and scooped the litter.
i took down the goddamn christmas tree down.
r tossed parker around in the air a few times.

*yay me!*

$$$

more weirdness that i thought i had posted about already. i tried to sign on to our credit card online (one we use for emergencies, VERY rarely) and r had changed the sign in info. without telling me. i can't get to it. he's socking away (or spending) money somewhere and it makes me really nervous. who is this person?

oh boy, a new year.

saturday was emily's bridal shower (very fun, there was even a belly dancer!). r agreed to "watch" parker while my mom and i went and i lined up my dad and maria to watch mr. baby. at 3.45 r comes over (early this time, and without calling) to take p up to his parents house for dinner and playing (but really so he doesn't have to watch her- his mom and sister would do that). i get parker a bag packed and walk out to the car with them. r starts to get her buckled into her seat and she begins to freak out (a la: "mama, i want mama! i don't want to go with you! i want mama. NO! NO! NO! mama!). she was hysterical, crying, begging not to go. we tried to reassure her that she'd have fun and if she didn't she could come home and stay with 'renzo and papa and maria. she didn't buy it. r got visibly more angry (at who? i dunno) and yelled at p some about why wouldn't she come. he tried to get me to just slam the door and let her scream but i just couldn't do that to her. she arched her back and tried to unbuckle her seatbelt and reached for me. finally r got her out and she came running over to me. i sent her in the house to my dad and stood and talked to r. he seemed nuts, seriously not right in the head (trust me people i have a psych degree.) he came in the house and held 'renz and i got ready for my party. when i left r and baby were asleep on the couch, parker was playing very happily with maria, and dad was doing sudorku at the kitchen table.

apparently after i left 'renzo woke up, very pissed. and he screamed for most of the time i was gone and my dad had to coach r in proper 'renzo care (try turning on the vaccuum. try putting him down and playing with him. how about a bath?) it was apparently all very awkward. mom and i came home from the party early, r passes the baby too me, strips out of his clothes, puts on clean ones out of our closet, goes into our bathroom and brushes his teeth and snarls at me for a few minutes. he couldn't understand that i might have found a bridal shower a little difficult. i asked him what he was doing. going to a party and oh by the way, he left his dirty boxers in our bathroom. could he come over early so i could get some sleep? no, he was sleeping in! he only gets two hours of sleep a night! did i mention that i have been solely responsible for OUR children for the last 864 HOURS (that's 36 days)? did i mention i'm fucking TIRED and need a break? NO?! HE'S TIRED??? i seriously considered cutting all his precious ties in half and throwing his shit out in the driveway, 'cause yeah, it's all still here.

anyway, he stormed out, went to his fucking party, slept in and called me at the butt-crack of 1pm yesterday. the kids and i were over at my dad's house. he came over (apparently to toss parker around in the air and pass off the baby). he was sweet as pie. totally normal. i stayed in the bathroom with him while he got his work clothes on. i mentioned that mabe next year we could spend new year's together. he smiled and didn't say "no, we'll be divorced then." he let me help him with his vest. he noticed i had a cold. he very tenderly pulled a thread out of my sweater so that he could zip it up for me. he left for work and i cried because i still want him to come home to us. at 7 he called to say goodnight to parker. she didn't want to talk so he told me to tell her goodnight and he loved her and he would see her tomorrow. i'm gun-shy. i told her "daddy said goodnight and he loves you." good thinking on my part.

he called today at 2pm, having just gotten up. he's run out of time to see the kids today, he guessed he'd see them tomorrow...