more bloggy fun goodness but in a really frusterating and vaguely sarcastic way

first let me mention that my 'f' key is all whack and that it's irritating the hell out of me.

second let me mention that the two bigger kids are all whack and irritating the hell out of me. was it that the weather was beautiful and we decided to go to the beach? was it the naked guy at naked-guy beach that threw the whole day off? it is in the air? can they sense, like rabid dogs, that today was a day of weakness for me (sore throat) and their moment to strike? whatever the case, thank the lawrd, they're all asleep now.

need another example of the world being against me? i picked r up on friday (miss bk's car is in the shop, so he's carless) and we drove cheerfully to his lawyer's where we cheerfully climbed the stairs and cheerfully informed the less-than-cheerful paralegal that we 'are here to sign our divorce papers!' and then she deflated us in her snotty older lady tone and said 'yeah well, they're (the papers) not here and neither is the lawyer.' who is thwarting this divorce? anyway, we're trying again on monday.

so d and i are going up to zinnia in san francisco for dinner on thursday and then going back up with friends on friday and spending the night. btw, meme is AWESOME and named her price ($95 w00t) on priceline and got us a couple of rooms at the grand hyatt in downtown sf on friday (my birthday!). awesome deal, awesome friend. :) anyone coming?

chocolate covered almonds

voila! yes, i didn't mean the instrument. ;)

chocolate dipped lebanese candied oranges

i'm just sayin' is all... here!

the one where i explain why kindergarten applications are almost as bad as college applications

yeah so, i've been doing kindergarten tours. the two schools that i'm seriously considering are the neighborhood school we're assigned to in our district and a charter school that is also in our district. i'm having a tough time deciding.

• 838 on the california academic performance index vs. 849 API
• 8/10 state rank vs. 9/10 state rank
• both schools have 20 kids per class. both are all day (8.00-2.30) programs. both 100% full credentialed teachers. both are public schools.
  

but from here they diverge. the charter school is a parent participation K-5. parents are required to be in the classroom 3 hours a week (per child), take three parent education classes, be on a board, have an additional school job and participate in school cleanup one day a year. that the student to adult ratio at 5 to 1 versus 20 (or 30) to 1. the school is tiny with less than 250 kids total. the music and art programs are completely funded by the school and will therefore never go away due to state budget cuts. there are (awesome) field trips every four weeks. there are enrichment programs every single day. unfortunately, there are only 17 openings this year. lottery chosen and lots of people who will be on the waiting list. thankfully, as we're in district we have a chance.

the neighborhood school is also highly rated but doesn't have art or music because of cuts. the school is bigger and there are only teachers on campus. educationally however it is really really solid. we're guaranteed a spot.

if p gets in to the charter, 'renzo is guaranteed a spot in two years. but, that means all my responsibilities would be doubled. SIX hours a week in classrooms plus double the jobs, etc.

private schools are COMPLETELY out of the question. non-religious ones are $18,000 a YEAR. holymarymotherofgod. religious ones are cheaper but uh, religious.

dinner time bbl.

the one where i have excuses, oh so many excuses

as you've probably noted i haven't been in a huge writing mood lately. i've been choosing to read instead. a little bit of everything.

friday we're signing the papers. both of us at his lawyer's office and then i'm hand delivering them to my lawyer who will walk them through the court early next week. it's seeming a bit ridiculous to mention it at this point because part of me already feels like it's over and this is just a formality and part of me feels like it'll never actually happen so why bother getting my hopes up. what's most been on my mind is that when it IS done (and it will be one way or another...) i'll be legally able to do again what i've been already able to do emotionally. somehow the unfinished business of the divorce has felt like a safety-net against more pain, though i know that that's just a delusion.

whoops, gotta go get p from school.

depth

so this is how it is
to find yourself untethered,
adrift with no real knowlege
of the constelations or tides

so this is how it is
to capsize and float, with arms
outstretched seeking that angle
between magnetic and true north

so this is how it is
to taste the greenish bloom of
ocean water, to be first the buoy
then the anchor, then the wreck

someone offer this kid an effin' record deal

anyone else seen this youtube singindork888 guy? he's covering some technically difficult (hallelujah) songs and has a really amazing and pure voice. thanks to ben for passing this on.





and here's an original:

tommy won $100,000!!!

no joke! what a stud! way to go tommy & danielle!

stuffed mushrooms
adapted from nourishing traditions to be wheat free

8 large or 12ish medium mushrooms
1 large zuchinni (in place of 1.5C breadcrumbs)
2 bunches green onions
1/2C grated parm
2-3 cloves chopped garlic
2T butter
2T evoo
salt & pepper

chop mushroom stems, zuchinni, garlic, onions. sautee with butter & evoo. mix with cheese and salt and pepper. stuff into mushroom stems. place in a pyrex pan with a little water and bake at 350 for aprox. 20 minutes. yum.

hilarious and kinda awesome but also sort of disgusting OR more proof of my juvenile sense of humor

the one where i tell you to watch tommy tomorrow on:

d's brother tommy is going to be the contestant tomorrow on AYSTA5G!!! i know the outcome but i'm not telling. *wags your tongue* set your tivo for fox at 8 (EIGHT) PM!

the one where underground hits the mainstream

so, bk's lawyer found some typos (literally) and wanted the document fixed before bk signed it. my paralegal is fixing it and then we'll both sign on friday (at my lawyer's office so there is no document shlepping). how long has this all taken again? the good news is that it doesn't look like r will be out of work for too long. he's had a bunch of interviews including four with the same company. *crosses fingers* in general we're getting along pretty well. i'm trying to offer him extra days with the kids (though for the most part he's said he's too busy to accept). i'm trying to be conscious and thoughtful and it's been reciprocated. the relief of having the stress of negotiations over has been immense.

tons of stuff going on over at snake & butterfly. we're moving heavily into confections which all three of us are excited about. (of course we plan to always keep at least 5 standard types of bars.) we're doing enrobed truffles for valentine's day (and beyond) in a variety of flavors like bourbon & apricot and rum & cherry. we're doing candied dried kiwis dipped in ultra dark chocolate. also, whole orange slices (peel and all) candied and dried, then dipped in chocolate. dried figs dipped in caramel and then chocolate. did i mention we're doing our own caramel now too? my dad found these incredible honeyed dried apricots from the mediteranean market and of course we're covering those in chocolate too. the texture is somewhere between a fresh apricot and a dried one. ben came up with a superfruits bar with pomegranite and acai powders and dried berries. anyway, i'll be posting updates throughout the next week with photos and links as i put stuff on the website. an email will be going out soon too! :)

off to watch d2 in a school performance. bbl!

the one where i have a hard time explaining to my daughter why today is such an important day in history

the one where it's coooold up here in the snow

we're up here in arnold. went to bear valley today and we'll be going home tomorrow. pictures etc. tomorrow!

the one where lorenzo is blissfully unaware of traditional gender roles

i follow a blog called labels are for jars that is written by another mdc mama (i think...?). her tagline is as follows: words on the journey of raising a boy who eschews many social “boy” labels, and empowering him along the way. her son is adorable and five years old.

lorenzo wears dresses. sometimes out in public. he has beautiful long curly hair and luuurves having his nails painted. he chose pink crocs over blue or camo and today wanted hello kitty boots. he carries a doll with him at all times. parker got an only hearts club doll yesterday for her birthday and 'renzo coveted it until this afternoon when my mom and i took him to get him one of his own. no g.i. joe would substitute.

all of this poses a number of questions for me as his mama. what will people think? who cares is my gut feeling. what to do when people say asshat things like the guy at the seamstresses the other day say: 'is that a boy? do you have any clue what you're doing to him letting him play with dolls? um, letting him be himself? the implied is that i'm turning him gay or sissy? but how to deal with people like this who will (if this doesn't pass and his favorite color really IS just pink) make him feel bad or wrong for being who he is... for preferring to dress up in 'don't i look pretty?' dresses instead of fireman costumes? anywho, things to think about.

a series of unrelated events

d and i are doing south beach, we're about two weeks in. (everyone shut up, i'm not trying to lose weight.) basically, nothing refined, no sugar, no flour/grain, or fruit during phase one. i've noticed something interesting since starting. first, i'm feeling less tired eating NO processed food (duh). and second, the skin on the back of my arms has cleared up almost entirely (for the first time in as long as i can remember). apparently i'm still allergic to wheat and/or corn. *smacks forehead* i was diagnosed with wheat, egg, and corn allergies when i was little that caused me to be majorly hyperactive and have (very minor) skin issues. when the behavioral stuff remedied in middle school (?) i started being allowed to eat whatever i wanted. after rice cake sandwiches i was ALL ABOUT the bread. now, i'm seriously considering avoiding wheat for a good few months to see the effects on how i look/feel... i'm not a giant carb fiend anyway.

so, bk and i went and signed the documents to transfer the house out of our names into just my name. he met me here at the house and then i drove us to my lawyer's office. the 15 minutes in the car was the longest time we've spent together, forced to make conversation, since we were seeing bob. it's strange to know so much about someone - their past, their family, their likes and dislikes - and to feel so awkward around them. (i remember realizing how much things had changed when, about two months after he left, he walked in on me in the tub with the kids and i felt panicky and a bit violated. and was perhaps?) we made our way through though and he bought me a coffee, we signed the papers and were on our way. on the way home i told him that someone asked if d and i were planning to have kids. and that we exclaimed in unison: 'no way!' bk found this hard to believe, thought that i'd change my mind eventually. i found myself telling him what i've been spewing to everyone all since a few months after 'the bad thing' happened: i wouldn't risk it again. having children with someone puts so much stress on a relationship. it changes the dynamics. it creates resentment. it's not that i believe that it is inevitable but that the idea of even potentially becoming a single mama again is NOT worth the potential gains (and post partum depression!) i'm not wanting to ruin an awesome relationship. and i like raising my children with someone else. everything is a bonus, not an expectation. we wound up resenting each other didn't we? for the roles we were thrust into?

and then i realized i'd just told him the honest to god truth. and myself. i resented him too. for the trapped feeling. for not being who i thought he'd be as a husband, a father a man. for stepping out. for leaving me in. it felt good to say. to be honest with each other. this is a journey.

mine, all mine

bk signed the papers for the house with the notary at my lawyers office. it's mine, all mine and easy-peasy.

nacht der untoten

miss p had her birthday party today. i took her and four friends to see despereaux with my mom and g les and a couple other mom friends. too cute! i have pictures that i'll upload tomorrow.

there was apparently some divorce mix up. *knock me over with a feather* bk's lawyer never got the papers and bk neglected to mention this until i asked him if he'd signed yet. calls in to both lawyers as i've already received (via mail) copies of everything i signed. why why why does this have to be so complicated?

lots of snake and butterfly news but i'm off to bed. 5 year olds are EXHAUSTING!

the one where i have a FIVE year old

2004

2005

2006

2007

2008

2009

parker is one of those people that is incredibly difficult to describe with words. she's just so...parker. i adore her, i admire her, i respect her. happy birthday little big girl. love to my best girl.

the one where there are 5 kids in the house

love these shoes that i got with a giftcard at bloomingdales. guess by marciano 'carrie' leather pump. love love love stillettos and felt fantastic wearing them. pretty comfy too, though i would have worn them until my toes were bloody nubs if i had to.



also love this thermos element 5 vacuum insulated travel mug that ben got me for christmas. it really and truly keeps my coffee *hot* all day long. trust me, i tested it.



and d got me this fantastic perfume for christmas: givenchy very irresistible. i'm a bit picky about perfumes too. many of them give me headaches and i have to say, this one doesn't. it lasts all day and transitions well from day to night.





the roald dahl omnibus. i'm a big fan of his children's fiction and hadn't read any of his adult stuff. this book rocks. and what do you know, it really does have 'perfect bedtime stories for sleepless nights'! thanks mom. :)

blitzen trapper furr. i've been a bt fan since i heard the texaco song way back when. i have to say though, i love the 'furr' single.

if it's not one thing it's 35 others...

signed the papers only to find out he's been laid off. it's almost hilarous if you ask me. almost. but, it is almost done. the house will be signed over next week and he's signing his parts on monday. more stuff but i'm tired.

the one where i'm posting unintentionally

so the lawyers called us from the courtroom this morning and we agreed to be in court on february 20th unless we come to an agreement first. i just got off the phone with the paralegal at my lawyer's office and the document will be done and ready for me to sign tomorrow morning. r will sign it on monday and it should be final before the end of the week. in other words: no court.

i found myself crying in the car more than once today. there has been this immense build up to very moment. i'm feeling conflicted but not because my feelings for r are ambivalent. on the contrary, i am SO thrilled to be able to move forward with d (he makes me tremendously happy) and genuinely hope r is happy too. but it's odd to feel so much relief and so much failure and letdown at the same time. a marriage (typically) involves fanfare; it's flowery a divorce is so sterile and paper-y. also, i think part of me doesn't believe this is actually it; there have been a ton of hiccups along the way. i feel like celebrating and crying and apologizing and not looking back. cheers.

almost

i spoke with my lawyer today and was informed that we do not have to appear in court tomorrow. the msa is almost finished and it just has to be signed and filed before the divorce/custody is finalized. i cannot believe it. he originally filed on 7 april 2007 (!) and now, really, it is almost done. i remember being so worried about 'being divorced' and saying 'i'm divorced' that i didn't actually want it to be true. so much time has passed that i'm COMPLETELY comfortable with the terms (but what'll this blog BE without a villian?). i see a party in my very near future.

aquarium

aquarium

he sends my mom flowers, a card
we wonder if he is on his way out
of town, or this life, breath/e and cry

we visit the aquarium, the deep
makes us peaceful, though the children
are swallowed by a giant blue clam

i dream that he proposes in the dark
i choke, say yes, we embrace ourselves
tangle our sheets, our hair, our children

the one where there is suddenly music everywhere

this has been a really incredible day. bk (r? soon?) and i are scheduled for court on thursday. as you may recall we came to an agreement that will prevent us from having to appear before the judge. unfortunately both of our lawyers were out of town yesterday and i got a teensy bit panicky that they'll be burning more of our money by delaying all this shit for another eon. so, first thing this morning i called the lawyer and told him i'd blow him if the divorce was final by my birthday (february 6th). okay, not really. but i did to agree to do all the leg work and running around and delivering and signing, etc. and they acted like all they were waiting for was the word from me. like hey, yeah, no problem...we'll get ON that shit right away! and they did. and it is REALLY almost over. like for real this time. and i feel physically lighter today than i have felt in years, i mean many many years - since sicily i think.

and in the middle of all this coordinating i got a curious text from bk. the gist, and as seen, with no transitions:

him: how are the kids?
me: fine. 'renzo has a cold
him: how are things with d? does he make you happy?
me: yes, very. why?
him: i want you to be happy
me: it's been an incredibly awful and wonderful two years. i know you and i are better as but that alone was a horrible loss. i'm finding my way. and i hope you're happy too.
him: that it has. you are a strong woman and great mother to our kids. i appreciate that.

and i cried because it is the end of something long and i cried because it is the beginning oh something far more wonderful. this will be over soon. i think that the conversation above is the closest thing to an appology i'll ever get and i'm okay with that. i said what i needed to say and i feel at peace about things. and it didn't hurt to get the thank you. it's amazing what a little closure can do for a girl. so r if you ever read this: i wish both of us more happiness than we ever dreamed of. but you know. apartish. ;)

where it's at: nye

d and i head out at around 6.30, make our way to the downtown sj train station and get in line to buy a caltrain ticket. unfortunately there is a death on the tracks and caltrain is delayed by 2 hours. we opt instead for the 7pm amtrack, right to the heart of oakland and a transfer to BART into the city. simple enough, we think. dinner is in the upstairs dining car, a romantic meal of turkey & cheese sandwhich for d and a cheeseburger (microwaved) for me. we share a bottled water, a bag of peanut m&m's, and a bit of conversation with lisa the stewardess. she advises us to stash our valuables in our inner jacket pockets and walk with confidence (and in a group if possible) when we get off in o town. she comiserates with us when our train halts just outside of hayward to deal with some 'police activity on the tracks' that thankfully only delays us about 20 minutes. i tuck my cell phone and credit cards in my bra and miraculously, we are not stabbed as we walk from the oakland coliseum amtrack station to the BART station. we finally arrive at union square at 9.30.

we meet bird in front of the virgin record store on the square and flag a cab to take us to northbeach. we're let off in front of showgirls cabaret but as we're stone sober, decide to wander until we find something a little less topless. we make our way through the throngs of people and find ourselves at the lovely threshold of zinnia, 'celebrity chef sean o'brien's newest restaurant' since myth closed its doors. unfortunately we are too late for food (which looks fantastic on my walk to the 'water closet') but our first round of drinks arrives at 10.00, not a moment too soon. we chat and try to figure out the man at the bar who is listening so intently to our conversation that he's actually leaning in over our table and chuckling. around 11.30 our lovely bartendress recommends that we head down the narrow alley, around the corner, to bix for the countdown. we make dinner reservations for february on our way out.

bix is just what they say it is: 'an exceptionally stylish supper club, civilized speakeasy, a sophisticated salloon' and jazzclub and we're happy we took the bartender's advice. we sit at the bar order drinks, chocolate bread pudding (YUM), and truffle ice cream, enjoy the swingin' jazz band and observe the awesome ambiance of the place. there seem to be 10,000 silver, black, and gold balloons and i'm feeling all streamer-y, happy to be with this upbeat and sophisticated crowd. the atmosphere is 'pure 1930's and '40's', classy and not trendy (ie. 5mil 20-somethings pushed together in an overpriced basement club). the band stops for the countdown and we're kissy and dancy and lightheaded.

and tipsy enough to duck into larry flynt's hustler club for 20 minutes before bird coaxes us back to union square to find wink and his girlfriend, who are staying at the westin. along the way we lose bird to the belly of BART but manage to sneak in through the crowds of hotel partiers and find wink outside his (awesome) hotel room. i'm blurry, the boys are blurry but we find cigars and champagne and friends and music and roomservice. bird miraculously reappears at some point as do some nice young russsians who laugh when i say 'aha! communists!' i fall asleep around 3.45. d comes in sometime thereafter, wink around 7, and bird we've apparently lost (again) to the early morning. around 8 someone named randall (?) comes in and pulls back the sheets on d's and my bed, apparently disappointed to find it occupied. tough luck!



in the morning d and i find ourselves alone in the hotel room; everyone else has apparently left for home. there's an abundance of leftovers (dinner, finally), gourmet coffee and i call down for toothbrushes. the view from the room is fantastic and we laze around on the featherbed before heading for the train station around noon. sushi on the caltrain (back up and running) and we're finally home at three.

we interrupt this blog for a short

visit to the emergency room. thankfully it didn't require any stitches however, his tooth is loose and will likely discolor. :/ follow up appointment with the dentist next week.

still planning to finish the nye post... oy!

howdy 2009

whole lota pictures and stories tomorrow. :)