It's time to pay the piper. He's gonna reap what he sowed, and it sure ain't corn. Or wheat.

watched a really funny (and strange) movie out of new zealand last night called eagle vs. shark. it stars jermaine from flight of the conchords. worth checking out. it's one of those films that's so awkward you almost can't watch. a teeny bit along the lines of napoleon dynamite. plus it has a really cool soundtrack. anyone else seen this?

parker struggled leaving to go with bk today but i strongly pushed for it. she seemed to be in good spirits when she got home (10 - 15 minutes early). i offered him tomorrow night since we're not leaving for arnold until lateish. he declined. i told him that if mornings worked better for him he was free to take the kids on friday mornings, since he says he's working saturday night's now. he said he'd 'think about it.' i don't think he wants to get up and have them that early in the morning. funny, i've gotten used to never having a chance to sleep in. i think he's gotten used to being able to 7 days a week. must be nice to have such a flexible work schedule.

speaking of flexible work schedule...i'm really really loving this new job writing test questions. i never really was a huge fan of history but i'm enjoying pulling together all these resources and coming up with things that challenge me and that i know will challenge the kids. i find it much less frustrating that grading papers (hiya doug, call me, hope your summer has been dandy) because i can get interrupted and resume instead of interrupted and have to start over. tiny little one question tasks that even i can do with three kids in the house. so yay. and thanks to the mama that thought of me. you can't imagine what a pleasant surprise this has been. go ahead ya'll ask me anything you want about the rise and fall of the roman empire. ;)

the one where it doesn't sound that funny to peel your skin off and roll in the sand but you laugh anyway

bk stopped by on monday and brought dinner for the kids, d, my mom and i. *scratches head* he said he thought we were coming back on wednesday and that he had made plans to work late. in any case, i offered him tuesday/wednesday since he only stayed about 10 minutes but he said he'd have to 'check the calendar.'

then yesterday he called during naps and asked if i had a second to talk. he was pissed because we're 'always out of town on his visitation days and that was one of the things you brought up in court.' i managed to stay calm and told him that i didn't appreciate a pissy call out of the blue when he'd clearly been getting upset for days. i reminded him that he was always welcome to ask for extra days and that we'd only been out of town one weekend during this whole summer. he wanted to know why we didn't go in the middle of the week. it was a family reunion. p has summer camp. i have a JOB. you were out of town the previous weekend. we switched for the 4th of july. (i didn't mention the dozens and dozens of times he's cancelled/changed plans where my plans got completely out of wack.) i'm completely willing to be flexible when out of the ordinary things occur, like this, but i'm not willing to change things on a weekly basis. he's taking them a couple of extra days next week to make up for what he missed because we were in oregon. and ohbytheway, he's going to have to drop fridays because he's going to start working those nights...

take your visitation. use 100% of it. love on those little kiddos and keep your promises to them (and me if you're feeling generous). if i take the kids on a rare getaway, ask for another day. don't make this about how much you can prove in court (i've got it written down anyway). make it about spending time with them for time's sake because it's what's good and right.

dear catastrophe waitress: the family reunion

song is 'one crowded hour' by augie march

and when we came back, the light was STILL ON

we're home. gotta put in some laundry and upload the pictures. a real post to follow.

i misspoke in the last post. hearing is set for october FIRST, not 31st. also, had a letter waiting in the mail from my lawyer and his saying they (bk and his minion) wants to make some settlement until we go to court. he lowballed the state guildelines. big time.

we'll leave the light on for you

meeeeedford, spent the night here. good little drive up here to medford; we have another 4-6 hours but we've made good time with only one quickie dinner stop and one gas break. so far so good. it isn't 900 degrees or anything. 

and yes, of course it is nice to be getting along with r. i'm a bit weary and suspicious because nothing has been what it seems since all this began. and i wasn't trying to discredit anything (or be dramatic) by saying we were really just friends. what i meant by that was that while we shared a deep love (and i do believe we did), that fiery chemistry wasn't ever there. that's not something i'm even particularly regretful about but something i'll be aware of in other relationships. it was enough to sustain me happily(ish) but not him. 

okay, gotta jet. i'll check in later!

oh, almost forgot! i got a letter from dcss. we're going before the commissioner on october 31. snap!

whoa, i think i may have *actually* hit my head on the top bunk bed and fainted

the sunglasses are from dolce & gabanna and cost me $450. but really? they're from target and they cost me $7. ;) eh, mike?

bk called and asked if he could come over to say goodbye to the kids before we go out of town. sure. i was serving the kids their dinner and he practically knocked me over trying to help with things i clearly had under control. i went to cut lorenzo's squash and he offered to do it for me. i bent to lift a box of paper and he offered to do it for me. he tried to make conversation. i felt awkward. he started to take out the recycling and then insisted on doing it when i told him to leave it. he asked if i had trash in my bedroom and i stopped him as he crossed the threshold. i'm really not comfortable with you being in my bedroom. 'okay, that's why i asked.' but he didn't really ask and doesn't seem to know why this might be crossing some boundary of mine. he asked if we had someone to watch the house while we're out of town, like it would be appropriate for him to do it. he was in this strange reminicing place tonight and it felt odd because my anger towards him has blurred any desire to remember the good times, and there were so many. his help felt genuine and i wish that we were still divorcing but that he was the guy that was my best friend for 10 years, who i trusted and knew and loved. i think that was where we went wrong; we were such good friends. and nothing more.

i'm just saying

one does not 'loose' weight. one may lose weight but they may not loose weight. so thank you giant billboard by the local rec department, i needed a good laugh on my bike ride this morning.

the one about manifest destiny, the guy that was ranked number 68 in triathalons & caste systems

'renzo went with bk tonight from 6.30 to 8.55. parker chose to come with me and d and mr. jones.

b and i went and talked to our banker this morning, got our account set up and ready to go to the underwriter. and it looks like i get to meet amy (our web designer) while i'm up in oregon this weekend! (which reminds me...we're going up to oregon this wednesday for my family reuinion.) i'm melting chocolate as we speak to pour another batch tonight. mexican chocolate with nibs, some with currants. yum.

um, i'm sure there's more to say but it'll have to wait until the morning. *yawn*

the one where everyone thinks they know about the financial hemorrhage or slow grind

so someone pointed out that i allowed contact with bk even though i said last week that i wasn't going to communicate with him. what i meant when i said that was that i wasn't going to have any discussions with him that didn't directly relate to the kids, scheduling, coparenting. and honestly, the week where we had no communication left me feeling very 'clean' of things. i'm interested, from other people who have been through this as a coparent or step-parent, how exactly does one deal with situations like happened on friday without speaking to one another? i'm damned if i do and damned if i don't. i'm 'alienating' my children if i don't make an honest effort to get them together with their dad but then, i'm taking it in the ass if i plan my whole life around when he's available and decides to show up as planned. i'm doing the best i can. i'm genuinely looking for advice. i'm trying to spare my children any further heartache. they have a right to know and see their father and i have a right to a break once in a while.

oh, and i took another job. i'll be writing social studies questions for a small educational publishing company that does test prep software. i'm actually really excited about this. the material is drawn from the california curriculum for 6th - 8th grade and the questions are to be all multiple choice. i get to work from home. hopefully i'll be able to hire w's big sister as a mother's helper so i can get some work done during the day. so now i'm watching one (possibly two kids starting in august), grading papers (when school starts again), writing test questions, and running a chocolate business. holla back if you like lazy bitches.

the one where the sheets get changed and there're terrible kinks in the hose

so. bk calls at 12.45 to confirm we're on as per usual. um, yepper.

so. bk calls yesterday at 3.30 to see if he can pick the kids up early, like between 5.30 and 5.45 because he has errands to run (at six specifically) and if he 'doesn't get them early then it's going to have to be late.' sure, whatevs. get 'em 15 minutes early.

so. bk calls at 5.25. uh, he's running late and it's going to have to be late afterall, not early. ooh, righty-o. what's up? 'ya know, lots of stuff to get ready for going out of town. so is 6.30 or 6.45 okay? uh, well no. not really you know. ah shucks. parker do you want to talk to your dad? yes she wants to talk but no, she doesn't really want to go, now or later this evening. 'i really need your help with this. i don't understand. we do fun stuff. i (not she) need to see her whether she wants to come or not.' uh, i've been following your lead and trying not to make a big deal out of it. it seems like if we make a big deal it WILL be a big deal. is there something you'd like me to do? i think she felt ripped off yesterday because you said you'd take her swimming and then you took her on errands instead. (i got the feeling from the whole conversation that he was feeling insecure or butthurt or something and needed to be reassured, let off the hook...) blah blah blah 'how about if i bring a sandwhich over for the kids at like 7 or 7.30 and stay at your house and eat and play for a half hour?' honestly, that will interrupt our evening. we'll either have already eaten dinner or will be eating dinner at that point. how about this: i need to take a shower now. why don't you come over for 20 minutes NOW and play? that way i can rinse off and you can see the kids for a few before you leave for your trip. 'no. i can't right now. *deep sigh* how about i call you later tonight and see if you're around. if it works, great. if not, that's fine too.' okay. talk to you later.

so. no call.

mogging flolly

d and mr. jones (he's here for another week) and i went downtown for the concert in the park. huge crowd there to see the irish alternative band flogging molly. $6 dos equis, giant polish dog, lots of jumping around- a good time was had by all. we met up with d's business partner and his wife and all had a drink afterwards. :)

p and 'renzo went to my grandparent's house on monday instead of with bk.

yesterday p was really unsure about going with bk. she decided she wouldn't go and then wound up going, but crying. she called me about 7.30 and said she wanted to come home. i told her i'd have to call grammy 'cause i was out. she said she wanted to be dropped at grammy's. bk said, 'you'd rather go with grammy than be with me?' she said yes. he dropped both kids off at my mom's around 8.30, told p she was 'fine.' both kids came home hungry. p hadn't eaten.

the funeral shoes OR amanda peet thinks i'm a parasite

b and i spent all day pouring/packaging chocolate (65% original bars and spice bars with cinnamon/cayenne). we're trying to create a big inventory so that when the website goes up we'll be with plenty of backstock. we're figuring out all the details like shipping charges and which structure we'll use to accept credit cards. it's getting down to the nitty-gritty. i'm suddenly really excited again because it feels completely within our reach. more on that later.

i'm exhausted and going to bed again/still. meeting with the owner of my dad's restaurant tomorrow to talk about selling them our bulk chocolate. wish us luck. :)

the mainstream

I never knew I never knew that everything was falling through That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue To turn and run when all I needed was the truth But that's how it's got to be It's coming down to nothing more than apathy I'd rather run the other way than stay and see The smoke and who's still standing when it clears //Everyone knows I'm in Over my head Over my head With eight seconds left in overtime She's on your mind She's on your mind// Let's rearrange I wish you were a stranger I could disengage Just say that we agree and then never change Soften a bit until we all just get along But that's disregard Find another friend and you discard As you lose the argument in a cable car Hanging above as the canyon comes between //Everyone knows// And suddenly I become a part of your past I'm becoming the part that don't last I'm losing you and its effortless Without a sound we lose sight of the ground In the throw around Never thought that you wanted to bring it down I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves //Everyone knows//

the fray

bob, bob, bob, bob-boberan

i'm headed up to see bob. this has been a hard week since last friday. i'm absolutely and utterly exhausted and can barely keep my eyes open but i'm trying really hard to hang in there. i think i had reached another plateau of processing things. after last week i feel like i backslid a bit and have to process some more things that i hadn't allowed myself to think about.

d and i were talking last night about the fact that i want desperately for bk to own his part in all this out loud, to me. to admit that he cheated, left in a cowardly way and has shirked his responsibilities in favor of this overblown and materialistic lifestyle he's leading. and while i know it'll never happen part of me is clinging to this idea that since i did all this changing and admitting and repenting (during those months with bob especially), HE should too. i'm tired of being blamed for the shambles that is his life. tired of being punished by him for the ways in which he perceives i've done him wrong. anyway, d said, 'he DOES own all of it, not out loud, not to you, but to everyone who can see the truth of the situation.' and while i know he's right about that, and not waiting around for something that's never going to come, i somehow wish that r would resurface, repossess bk's body, if for just a moment and say, 'i did love you. i did hurt you. and i'm sorry.'

'my eyes, my brain seek out escape routes wherever I am sent'

our plans fell through this weekend, but i still was feeling escapish so we drove down to carmel. we had lunch in the crossroads and wandered into the luggage store to find that simple shoes were 75% off (d got three pairs; i got these groovy organic ones for $21, down from $85. the soles are made of car tires. holla.) then i showed d and the kids where gigi and popo used to live, and where they live now. there were weddings going on down at the beach below the curve near the 14th street house and i felt uplifted instead of dejected. (hey, at least people are still giving things a shot right?) around 3 we headed back to this beautiful resort in marina. my brother's grandpa was having a big ole party there and we got to eat/visit/play, nap on the lawn, and wander down to the beach. we had a chilly drive home with the top off but the kids conked out pretty fast.



song: carla bozulich feat. willie nelson 'hands on the wheel'

the regrouping

so i hear the concern about my lawyer and that's fine. i'm very confident in his abilities (i'm not going to get into the why on that) and i do plan to ask him to explain to me exactly what happened today. if he made a mistake (and let's remember, lawyers are human being too) i know he'll fix it. my instinct tells me that a combination of things happened. until i hear from him, i'm not going to speculate and worry myself sick about all of this. it's done. i feel i accomplished something because i went to court, held up until we got outside, and won't be scared next time. i also decided (once and for all) that i'll no longer be communicating with bk unless it is in writing or through my lawyer. so that cord has finally been severed and i'm a little more free than i was yesterday. eh?

i'm going to take this time (however long it may be before the next hearing or dcss meeting) to regroup and refocus. i'm going to do everything i can to get this business up and really really running so that i can tell the judge hey, i've GOT a full time job AND i take care of my kids full time. and i'm going to scrounge any money i can to start seeing bob once a week or at least every other week and work on what the hell i've been hit with. i'm going to continue to document the shit outta my life and start to submit some of my writing to publications (hey, a little freelance work could bring in a bit of money). i'm going to continue to act with integrity and let my children, my partner, my friends & my family be the focus of my attention.

in the short term, the four of us are going to visit d's nanny up near bear valley. a meandering drive, fresh air, hiking, an escape...

the stay of execution OR oh, what a tangled web we weave

dad and i got to the court around 8.30. bk got there at 8.40 and tried to make small talk with my dad and i. when my dad got up to go to the bathroom i took the opportunity to talk to him about the fact that his lawyer told my lawyer that i need to get a full time job. my lawyer informed me that anything we take off the table before court will make this go faster. 'it shouldn't take too long.' okay, but i thought we were in agreement about me staying home with the kids. daycare is going to cost a small fortune. 'this is about what's fair. our parents will watch them.' i want some time, with your financial help, to get on my feet, just six months to see if i can't get this business off the ground... don't you think at least that is fair? and then his lawyer walked up and he became extremely cool to me.

we were number 9 on the docket. i sat and talked with my lawyer for about a half hour outside the courtroom. he'd occasionally go and consult with bk and his lawyer. he came back and said basically they're contesting everything. how often he sees the kids (i have this well documented). that he doesn't owe me any spousal support (because we've been separated a year and a half. so because he put me off and i was forced to take him to court i'm not entitled to support? because i believed his lies when he told me 'don't worry, as soon as i have a good job i'll take care of you' i'm not entitled to any support?) that i need to have a full time job (although i already grade papers, watch a three year old, and am trying to run a small business, all while taking care of our children). this from a man that left for another woman, lied to me about it for months, goes on extended vacations, cancels on his kids weekly, has paid me exactly $100 this calendar year, and generally has tried to screw me in every way possible.

finally, after two hours and fifteen minutes it was our turn. (it was interesting btw to watch the other cases but i kept thinking to myself, surely we aren't like these greedy vindictive asshats. surely we're more adult and don't want to drag our kids through the mud.) we went before the judge, were sworn in and seated and she looked through her papers. 'you have an open dcss case. i can't make a ruling today.' she pulled the lawyers aside, they whispered, and in under three minutes it was over. my teeth were chattering, i was shaking, and on the verge of tears. bk was smug, probably feeling rather vindicated. six weeks of fear, two hours of waiting, all for three minutes of nothing. the judge suggested that we see when we're on the calendar with dcss, finish things there and come back for a ruling about spousal support. my lawyer left immediately to go to dcss and i'm waiting for a call. bk and his lawyer were talking outside the courtroom when my dad and i left. i was completely in shock but remember his lawyer smiling and saying goodbye to me. bitch.

what an ugly thing this all is. what a ridiculous and mean spirited ordeal. i'm ashamed of us. i'm disgusted with his behavior, his sense of entitlement, and his belief that he owes me/our children nothing. that there are courts that tell grown people they have to be responsible for their families and finances is disgusting.

i'm no longer scared of court. i know what to expect now and our judge was somewhat disorganized but not crazy. this is by no means the end of this. i'm not after him for his money but if he thinks he can get away with jerking me around for years and years, he's got another thing coming.

deep breath

bk changed the plans last minute tonight. he's got them from 4 to 7 tonight instead of 6 to 9. no explanation.

my lawyer called and we chatted for about 10-15 minutes and i feel SO much better. he reassured me that i have NOTHING to worry about tomorrow and that the whole thing will take only 20 minutes. he told me to just relax tonight, do something fun, tuck my kiddos into bed, and get a good night's sleep. he also said that he'd talked to bk's lawyer and that he believes that she has no hidden agenda. i think that's been my concern all along, that i'll be caught off guard...again. but anyway, i'm feeling better now about karma and everything in general.

oh and the guy who smogged my car today was half assyrian/half romanian, born very early and had 13 surgeries, speaks six languages, has a mechanical engineering degree and is getting his master's in business, has never been in love, lived in a refugee camp and there, at 18, ran his own mafia that controlled the import of food, shoes, and prostitutes. *big eyes* he talked my futher-muckin' ear off the whole time he was smogging the wrangler and had the most piercing blue eyes and told me that what goes around comes around. i think i might just be inclined to believe him. so there.

(genuinely) curious to know

what others think about this discussion in the comments section.

on a completely unrelated note: repeat after me, the kids and i will prevail tomorrow.

prayers & positive thoughts please

for my aunt and her husband who are in the voluntary evacuation area in paradise, california. they are across the country and have a friend watching their property while the fire is burning nearby. p&pt for the people and homes affected (again) by this fire. love you guys!

the quiet inside OR it's a physical impossibility that she EAT me, right?

i can't tell if i'm finally feeling calm or just resigned or reallyreallyreally nervous and in denial. i think i'm calm. but i've been having a hard time the past few days gauging my own emotions. am i happy? am i pissed? am i irritable? am i irrational? do i really give a crap?

i called bk this morning because d and the kids and i are doing a few mini vacations this month and i wanted to let him know that we'd be out of town and therefore the visitation schedule would be off. he never argues about these things and i truly do appreciate it. we're both pretty easy going about visititation really (i just hate being cancelled on at the last moment). he asked me if we were celebrating 'renzo's birthday tonight. i said yes, with my mom and a couple friends. he indicated strongly that he and miss bk would like to join. so, i told him i'd keep him posted on our exact plans and call him back. which i did, at two. he hemmed and hawed a bit and said he'd have to call me back. an hour later he texted me instead 'ok no on dinner tonight, but thanks for the invite. let's try for next week, something.' like them coming tonight was something i just pulled out of my puckered ass... oh for the love of god.

oh, and visit this site so that i can tell you that 'you got rick rolled'. that would make me happy because it makes NO sense and the video is so bad but still you have to sing along 'cause you know the words, m'kay?

well that was sort of depressing

d and i watched candy a couple nights ago. it's an australian film starring heath ledger, abbie cornish, and geoffrey rush dealing with heroin addiction. according to mdc readers (who also happen to be addicts) it is the most accurate heroin movie out there. terribly depressing (and doubly sad because of heath's real life overdose) but worthwhile and well done film. PLEASE AVOID this movie if you are sensitive to miscarriage/stillbirth subject matter.

'ooh, see that, there. who needs affection when I have blind hatred?'

i'm tired, pre-emptively drained for the worrying i plan on doing this week. i was barely able to keep my eyes open today and wound up napping with the boys. i feel almost drugged, i'm so out of it.

kids went with bk on saturday (15 minutes late). he had a little party for 'renzo with his parents. i didn't ask for details as this sort of thing still makes me feel like i've been socked in the neck. when the kids got home and showed me their loot, i complimented parker on a dress she got from the outlaws. i wish i had one like that too! parker smiled and said 'miss bk said she wants one too!' all i could think was i bet she does. apparently we have similar taste in lots of things... ugh.

i invited them for cake on sunday and he sputtered something about going out of town (on a sunday night? on our son's birthday? uh, right). then later he texted me and said he and miss bk really appreciated the invitation and wished they could make it but that they didn't think they'd be invited. i replied that that was fine and that we'd be doing something this week with my mom, to let me know which night they could both make it. for some reason he didn't reply. gee, i wonder...? somehow i didn't really think she'd want to meet me. i'll try again on another appropriate occasion. she can't avoid me forever, or maybe she can...

tonight miss p decided not to go with bk again and she spent the evening with me. i like the time alone with her as 'renz is kind of a handful. who am i kidding? he's a flippin' maniac on wheels.

anyway, off to bed.

happy birthday to the boy formerly known as mr. baby or then, then & now

'renzo turns two today. it's bittersweet. looking back at pictures of his birth it's easy to see that bk was overwhelmed and unhappy. but i remember the feelings of elation i was having about having a successful home birth and breastfeeding an infant again, this family swelling and me feeling in love with the world. i'm upset that those feeling are mixed in with betrayal and anger and sadness but truly, these two amazing kids have kept me afloat all this time. i can't believe how fast it has all gone.

july 2006

july 2007

july 2008

song one: bishop allen 'butterfly nets'
song two: lisa loeb 'life is just a bowl of cherries'

manny

sad news. manuel santana (manny to us) died on tuesday. he was a close friend of my grandpa's and our entire family really. he was a wonderful artist and owned jardine's in san juan bautista where my grandpa played mandolin for many years. i hope that where ever those two are, they're together with music and drink and good food. :)

the good, the good, and the goodly

the cat is home. no vomiting so far. the vet took $350 off my bill, leaving me with only a $83 balance. i almost cried when she told me. apparently a client of the veterinary hospital set up a scholarship fund after her dog died and specified that she wanted the money to be given to elderly people or people with young children who needed help paying for their pet bills. so thank you random good samaritan; you afforded our kitty some much needed medical attention.

and thanks also to whoever invented the jeep wave. it lifts my spirits to have random people grin and shoot their hands up above the roll bars (if the top is down) or out the window and wave in wrangler owner (ergo, unmatched) style.

finally, thank you to the kind couple in line behind me at safeway yesterday who did not huff and puff and make me feel judged when it took the new cashier TWENTY-FIVE minutes to ring up my wic stuff. i was only slightly tempted to explain all over myself and their patience helped me resist.

the one where i suck it up

lorenzo is turning two (!!!) on sunday. bk asked me if we were doing anything for him and when i said of course he said 'weren't you going to tell me?' he seemed genuinely disappointed that he might be left out and after doing a bit of thinking on the matter, i've decided to invite him and miss bk to whatever festivities might occur. it's far past time i meet her and if we're all here (or better yet, on neutral territory) to celebrate, things should go okay. if she doesn't bother to show up then i guess that's just how things will be. if she does come then it won't be miserably awkward because i'll have d and my parents and we can just pretend this is all normal and focus on the kids. i want to be able to attend soccer games and school plays and birthday parties over the years and not have things be frigid. i've greatly appreciated that my parents did this for me over the years, so i'm sucking it up for my kids too.

and...who knew?

86 As a 1930s wife, I am Very Superior Take the test!

parker's going with gram debbie to gigi & popo's this afternoon. bk's having me keep 'renzo. he'll see them on saturday at 11ish.

nothing like the smell of ammonia in the afternoon

took the cat (isabella) back to the vet today because she still can't keep any food down. (i kept her contained in the bathroom last night and today and boy was there a mess to clean up.) her blood tests came back fine as did her x rays. they're going to do an ultrasound tomorrow morning and she'll be staying at the d&c hospital overnight to get fluids. i talked to the vet about my financial situation and she said she'd see what she can do. the ultrasound alone is $350. anyway, i said i'd volunteer to work off my debt, if they can use the help. ya know, in my spare time...

i'm feeling both more calm and completely panicked about court as the date is quickly approaching. i guess i've begun to feel that any outcome is better than no outcome, even if we're teetering near destitute for a while. i just want to know what to expect, though i suppose a court order is no guarantee of predictability. spam the hell out of me with positive thoughts and prayers. court is 7/11/08 at 9.00 am.

my bank got my money back from the fraudulent transaction. that was a relief. *whew*

take THAT human air bag girl

the cat started vomiting what appears to be blood yesterday and it got to the point this afternoon that she was barfing a bunch of times in an hour. i called the vet and they told me to bring her right in. i spent $407 on x-rays, blood tests, iv fluids and some easy to digest wet food. shoot me now. i can't deal with this. won't know until tomorrow about the results so for now she's locked in the bathroom so the vomit is at least easier to clean up.

on a completely unrelated note, when the hell did it get to be july?

i'm feeling totally overwhelmed by this little boy i'm watching. he and lorenzo are seriously having power struggles. 'renz is almost a full year younger but clearly the more dominant kid and the other boy is a whiner/screamer/flailer. by thursday i'm completely at the end of my rope and sick of getting 25 snacks and breaking up disputes and cleaning up messes and on and on. some days they all really get along fine but i think w is used to being the baby in his family and at my house, pretty much everyone is treated equally regardless of age (within reason of course). in any case, my patience is totally fried and i'm feeling really burnt out. it's completely different watching/dealing with someone else's child. oh, and different also to change their diapers. i'm used to lorenzo's brand.

miss p decided to stay with me last night even though it was a 'daddy day.' if i'm going to be honest with you guys (and i feel i owe you that much, plus i want to offer an honest, if not pretty, representation of what it is to go through something like this) i feel a small victory every time this happens. bk and i have gotten very good at not making a value judgement to miss p about her choices. i remind her that it's a daddy day and tell her the next time she'll have an opportunity to see him and neither of us makes her feel guilty for her choices. but some part of me way down deep feels vindicated that she doesn't see him as the 'fun' house and me as the 'rules' house, the one with all the boring day to day crap. and that she isn't fooled by stuff, like balloons and floofy little dogs. and really really way deep down glad that she still chooses me sometimes, even though he chooses someone else.