it's like watching a dog stick its face in a fan

bk cancelled for tomorrow. *color me shocked*

from mdc because i'm a lazy bastard and don't want to rephrase this:

this morning i found out from parker that he had miss bk (the woman he left me for) over to MY HOUSE while i was gone. IN MY BEDROOM. WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. i don't even know how to confront him about this. what a giant invasion of my privacy.

i confronted him about it and thank g*d he didn't lie and compound the situation, though he did try to spin it...the reason miss bk was over at my house was to pick up their DOG that was also at my house (because they got in trouble at their apartment for it barfing/barking). "it was a logistical thing, she just stopped by to get the dog and parker invited her in to see her bedroom..." oh really? is that all? i told him he's not to come over/in without calling/knocking and he's certainly not to have anyone over without my permission. i told him it was a huge violation of my privacy and that i expect the same courtesy from him that i expect from everyone. NOT OK. what the heck is he thinking?

wednesday is the new thursday is the new friday

wednesday has become date night around these parts as it is the only night of the week that d and i are sans kidlets. will's girlfriend (waves to rachel) gave me free movie passes so d and i took the opportunity to go and see american gangster (great movie, 8/10, go see it if you have an extra three hours lying around, i don't even typically like russell crowe but this is an exception). i felt like i was getting away with something, being out past 10pm and enjoying myself throughly. it was nice.

near the end of the show i got a text from bk asking me for the password to my laptop (which i smartly locked before i left). i replied that i would be home shortly. you are the reason there is a password. ha! he didn't think that was too funny (and it wasn't really meant to be, it's true) and "confronted" me about it when d and i got home. "why wouldn't you give me the laptop password when i texted you earlier? i had to check my email." r, i have so little privacy and honestly it made me uncomfortable to think of you having the password. had i been here i would have gladly let you use my computer... and then he walked out. i looked over at d, like what the hell just happened? i suspect strongly bk was trying to embarrass me in front of him (not gonna happen, yo (yes, i'm seeing someone who hails from L.A. (yes, i'm picking up ghetto fabulous slang))) and make me out to be a crazed bitch (you'll get nothing and like it!). i turned it back around and asked him for money in front of d. yah. as it turns out he has not so much money but might have some after this weekend. tell it to the commissioner baby; tell it to the man and try not to be so butt-hurt (waves to meme).

oh! and i forgot to mention that when he came over to get the kids at 5 he tried to open the (locked) front door without calling or knocking first and then had the gall to act puzzled at my irritation. wha? you. don't. live. here.

thank you d (and *grumble* my parents) for urging me in this direction. i only wish i'd listened sooner. ah well...

the post for my dad

i would be a terrible daughter if i didn't give a shout out to my dad and his blog. he's a musician, and a good one too. buy one of his cd's. help a brother out, yo.

i am not the enemy

i am not the enemy or the antagonizer or decision maker here. i did not shove you to the edge of yourself. i did not ask you to realize the things you are realizing and unrealizing. i did not force your hand. i did not write the melody (maybe just the lyrics). i did not try to imagine myself in your position. i did not want what you had. i cannot undo the mess you've made. i am not the middle east. i am not the enemy darling, you are.

like when datsun became nissan

why oh why did i let you bring me shitty pho and a stomach ache? why oh why do you insist on playing noisily and messily in my living room when you have your own? why do you think it is any of your business what and how i do things? d is fine. the chocolate is fine. my goddamn texting technique is fine. (what is not fine is you leaving at 6.30 after being here less than two hours.) one poopy diaper does not a daddy make. GO HOME.

and the answer to the above is that i'm a weenie. a weenie backed into a corner with only one way out. boo. hoo.

it's a very, very mad world

you asked what was the worst of all the worst parts and i found that endearing and a little bit strange. i'm less frantic than other women my age, you'll see. and i wish you were awake to find me here, alone with gary jules, sleep will have to do.

looking back at what i was thinking, the space that i was in then...it's so different now, i don't recognise my own panic, my own desire to hold things together and clean. things got so messy during the past year and i'm no more clear on where i'm going though i've got some clues as to where i'm not going. the further i've come the more i've felt the need to honor that person that i was, to grieve for her because i cannot grieve for him anymore and i don't want to go through life like i'm living inside of a pinball machine or the pathetic manipulator of tired metaphors as it turns out. :/

one year

one year since you left
the bathroom is still half-painted
very little goes to waste
i'm not sure whose arms
i'm creeping into these days

(c) celeste mylastname 2007

the post that's just post titles

yes, it's been a year
or
i think i'm done grieving inasmuch as one can be done grieving something like this
or
maybe you were the one that sucked in bed, did you ever consider that?
or
trust me
or
too bad i waited so long to file the child support papers
or
shit! how the hell am i going to pay my rent?
or
donnie darko soundtrack: hard to find
or
post-script, does anyone have it?
or
fuuuuuuck
or
11/26/06-07 was about survival, 11/26/07-08 will be about something more rebuild-y and joyous
or
get your finger out of my ever-loving pie, friend

beck it to 'em

Your sorry eyes cut through the bone
They make it hard to leave you alone
Leave you here wearing your wounds
Waving your guns at somebody new

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

There's too many people you used to know
They see you coming they see you go
They know your secrets and you know theirs
This town is crazy; nobody cares

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

There’s a place where you are going
You ain't never been before
No one left to watch your back now
No one standing at your door
That's what you thought love was for

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

-beck

kangaroo paw? no wait, i meant camel toe. or, nevermind, slutty is the new black.

thanksgiving meme, a day late

1) where will you be celebrating thanksgiving this year? up in auburn, at my aunt's house

2) will you travel to get there? yep, we drove for a few hours on wednesday, traffic wasn't terrible

3) how much time, if any, do you have off work for the thanksgiving holiday? a slacker's work is never done, according to d...

4) are you going to be cooking? i don't believe i lifted a finger yesterday

5) will you have turkey or something else? turkey, duh

6) do you ever go out to a restaurant for thanksgiving dinner? um, if you knew how many awesome cooks we have in my family you would realize what a ridiculous question that is

7) do you eat thanksgiving dinner earlier, later, or at the same time as you usually eat dinner? earlier, we never eat dinner during the five o'clock hour

8) will you go to a church service on thanksgiving day? they have church on thanksgiving?

9) will you, or have you ever, volunteered at a soup kitchen serving thanksgiving dinner? i think during college i volunteered up in san francisco right before thanksgiving and i remember thinking what a crime it is that they serve powdered mashed potatoes

10) do you enjoy cranberries? yep

11) will you get a free turkey from anyone this year (employer, grocery store bonus program, etc.)? they do that on thanksgiving?

12) what are you thankful for? see the previous post, yo

13) will you watch the macy’s thanksgiving day parade? nope, i think i missed it

14) have you ever actually gone to the macy’s thanksgiving day parade? nope

15) will you watch football games? football shmootball

16) what is your favorite thanksgiving day tradition? when my husband tells me he's leaving on the sunday after, oh wait, no, um, being with family or something *snortle*

17) will you help do the dishes after dinner? apparently not

18) do you like pumpkin pie? yes, but i prefer pecan pie

19) is there someone you wish you could be with this thanksgiving? yes *sniffle*

20) will you go christmas shopping on “black friday” or are those people just crazy? i'm crazy but in a totally different way

tracy says a $3 bra is like a unicorn, right?

happy thanksgiving, yo.

i'm thankful for all the usual stuff: my wonderful family (who has helped me immensely in raising my kids this past year), my friends (who have supported me unfailingly through my pissing and moaning), my home (which miraculously i'm still in), my job (doug, thank you), my other job (b, we'll be making gaboos and gaboos of money soon and we'll eat like kings). i'm thankful for the new people that have come into my life (i'd like to believe that i manifested you d) and the old people who have come back into my life after many many years (maybe i manifested you too j & a & & &). my life is in so many ways more full than it has ever been. i'm thankful that r left me. i can say that and mean it finally. i'm thankful for that because i would never have bothered to change in the ways that i've changed. i would never have claimed the things i've begun to claim.

i *heart* the sf tamale lady or let's give 'em something to blog about

we're up in the sacramento area for the holiday and i'm still in denial that it's thanksgiving. (there's no way i can blog under these circumstances!) it's nice to be around family (this is me mentioning gigi and terri and karen *diarrhea of the freaking keyboard* and my mom and everyone else that wanted to be mentioned, yo).

the last couple of days have been more of the same. blah blah blah. sick kids. bk being less than helpful (seriously, how hard is it to entertain a three year old for an hour and a half?) me, out with b doing chocolate work. you know, to earn money since he doesn't give me any. and i get a call saying the kids are kind of cranky, when are you coming home? no emergency, he doesn't have to be anywhere. you know, they're just kind of cranky. is he making himself more trouble than he's worth so i won't ask him to help anymore? does he think that it's someone else's job now? fuck it, who cares. i'm tired of speculating. i've got my paperwork with me and i'm determined to fill it out this weekend.

borrowed laptop is about to die. bbl!

holla it's the holladays

it doesn't feel like it is even remotely possible that it is thanksgiving week. maybe it is the beautiful weather we've been having here in n. cal. (in the low 70's up until today). maybe it is the blur that has been this year. in any case, i feel unprepared and happy to be going out of town (mom's family) for the long weekend.

i've been in denial since halloween that the holidays are approaching. i've been worried that bk will suddenly step up and decide that he wants in on the action. i finally told him yesterday that we were thinking of going away for thanksgiving. no real reaction; he already had plans anyway and is going out of town (more missed work) to visit miss bk's family (i think). then i mentioned that we've been invited to a beach house near mendocino (!) for christmas...just testing the waters. nothing. which of course makes my life easy because i don't have to worry about an argument but i am so fucking sad for the kids. r's gone from guilty or angry or crazy to indifferent...i think the worst of all.

he's less and less a father to them, incapable or unwilling to perform the simplest of tasks without explicit instruction from me. always, more of the same, canceling, leaving early, begging off because he's tired or not feeling well or whatever. i think miss bk is tiring of the kids or something because the last two times bk's seen the kids he's wanted it to be at my place. *scratches head* i'm uncomfortable/annoyed with this because 1) he lives a block away 2) it's ridiculous 3) it's an invasion of my privacy 4) it let's him off the hook 5) it's ridiculous.

i suspect he's caught on to the fact that i'm no longer pining away for him and it has gotten under his skin. parker ran in a week ago (after a brief visit with bk) all excited because d was here and grabbed a book so he'd read to her (which of course he did, which of course all the wonderful people in her life do without question or complaint). bk planted himself in my living room and tried to make conversation with me. he's suddenly interested in my life? wha? he does the same thing when b is over and we're working...it's posturing and i keep waiting to find he's peed in the corner of my bedroom.

and today "so, how are things with d?" all i'll ever give him about anything is fine. things are fine. what am i going to say? things are shitty...he beats me, save me, take me back this is the worst thing ever! or gosh, i really like him! sit and have a cup o' coffee so i can fill you in on the details, cause you know, we're old pals again right? what i typically say is: do you have any money for us. i can't buy food (you piece of shit).

speaking of...he made sure to tell me that he paid a medical bill i gave him. like what? you want a fucking cookie? i've been managing on my own for months now. i can't pay the gas bill with wic checks ass face. FEED YOUR KIDS. (yes, paperwork being filled out now that i have the name of his new employer. no tips in high tech sales = no lying about income (woot! no, i don't play d&d.))

infrequent download

currently listening to eddie vedder's music for the motion picture into the wild. great cd. my only complaint is that it isn't a bit longer. thanks b; two thumbs up.

Such is the way of the world You can never know Just where to put all your faith And how will it grow Gonna rise up Burning black holes in dark memories Gonna rise up Turning mistakes into gold Such is the passage of time Too fast to fold Suddenly swallowed by signs Low and behold Gonna rise up Find my direction magnetically Gonna rise up Throw down my ace in the hole

so long no blog

k, doctor's appointment and then i'll blog. :/

"woman shoots self after reading 35 mediocre in-class essays on anti-feminism in aurthurian legends"

so sad. more at six!

for the love of god, pick a fricking tense!!!

it is simply not possible that any of the authors of the arthurian legends knowingly tried to fit their characters into jung's hero archetype or freud's (not freaud) ideas on the psyche. jung and freud were not born yet; the theories did not exist. more likely, these are ways of interpreting - people, get it straight.

it is hard (but not impossible, don't worry) when grading in-class essays not to pre-judge based on handwriting. sometimes the kids with the crappiest chicken scrawl write the most innovative things and the kids that write like goddamn little typewriters can't seem to put a sentence together. and also, i had preconceived notions about girls having better handwriting than (not THEN) boys...not so much true, as it turns out.

and by the way, big words do not distract me from the fact that you write like english is your third language (my apologies if that is indeed the case), especially when you use them inappropriately!

you are 16 years old, please learn how to spell.

i respectfully ask

that you not use my business email to bother me about bk. while respect is clearly not the issue, i would prefer not to involve my partner in this ugliness.

and AGAIN, i don't post all of my legal issues on the blog.

compulsion is the new black

when things get tight, reallytight ($) i get this overwhelming urge to collect and save things up (hoard things and gorge myself) just in case things get worse. thankfully i'm too logical and i stop myself...but the joy i get from having 75 pounds of dried beans and pasta in my pantry is probably inappropriate (costco is my a both nightmare and dream come true). part of it is the feeling, not just that i cannot count on more in the future, but that worse, someone might try and take what we already have away from us. of course i channel these obsessive thoughts into compulsive behaviors and do things like stay up until 3am and reorganize the contents of my kitchen cabinets or scrub my floors for FOUR hours which while handy, is at times exhausting and ridiculous. maybe it makes me human, more profoundly human than other humans (ha!) but what would happen if i went off of my anti-depressants and just tried to feel everything a la andrew largeman in garden state (and fwiw, this isn't an original idea but one that i lifted from someone else and i'd be happy to plagiarize but i've been grading papers and it just seems wrong)? this is what i get for majoring in psychology. with all the navel-gazing i do i should have gotten my mfa instead...

come off your battlefield. lay down your arms and surrender to me. yea lay down your arms and love me peacefully. yea. -cason/moon

can i get a yea from someone in the crowd? yes, you'll do just fine!

swiiiing and a miss!

bk cancels again! no friday visit this week. i'm profoundly underwhelmed.

the gigi prophecies

how is it possible that it has been almost a year already, that i've moved through panic and disbelief and numbness and hysteria and anger and anger and anger and relief and now i'm here? happy. happier than i was a year ago right before he left. and not because i was at all unhappy with the life i had or the person i was married to. i was content but passive (for all his complaining of me being controlling, i was passive to the fact that there were choices, i think). i'm poorer now, my house is messier, my kids not quite so well-coordinated but at least i have no one to blame but myself. i got us to this relatively happy and chaotic place. i figured out a way to get myself back into the world (for the first time?) and meet people and keep us from disintegrating into loneliness and self-pity.

i remember my grandma predicting last december that by this thanksgiving i'd be long over bk (still r back then - *poof*) and have someone else in my life. i think i almost vomited in my mouth when she said it (ha!) because the idea was so terrifying. maybe i had some clue as to all the things i'd have to move through to get to that place or maybe it just seemed impossible that i could love someone other than bk...how do you do that after 11 years? i don't have an answer i guess, all of this is just a blur somehow. and while it pains me greatly to say it *wink* gigi was right, except for one thing: i have lots of someone elses in my life (get your minds outta the gutter, yo).

and all he got was hurricane dolce&gabanna. woot!

holy poultry

crap. did anyone else know that next thursday is thanksgiving? yeah. what's with that?

seize higher ground or the shirt with the too small neck hole

this has been the week of discombobulation with the kids being sick and all the stuff that has had to be done in spite of illness and lazing around. p and 'renz are taking turns with their fevers, so one is always groggy/whiny/clingy and the other is going stir-crazy or just plain crazy. right now it's p knocked out with a fever of 101 and 'renzo singing and playing with his feet in bed next to me. (keep your goddamn toes off my computer, thankyouverymuch!)

i had intended to write a long post on sunday espousing the joys of hosting a dinner party in my little house but alas, staying up until 2 (or was is 4?) AM and drinking beer/wine and taking care of very sleepy kids derailed that idea. j&m, f&h&p, a&j, d&d2 were all here with us and boy did we miss you mike and austin and b. lots of cheese fondue and chocolate and giggling about things i hadn't thought about in so so so long. i'm glad i've loosened up. as it turns out, i CAN enjoy myself in social situations like these, when not being overpowered by a hyper-extroverted partner. i realized that i kept asking d what was wrong because he was being quiet...turns out he's an observer. bk only was quiet when he was pissed off at me or something (see: the last six months of our marriage). god help any partners/friends/anyoneiknow, i project every last detail of the bk fiasco onto them though i'm trying hard to talk/think through it before i crap up the situation(s).

sunday d and i spent the day with the three kids (hot tub and very cold swimming pool + playground in wet swimsuits + train table + pool table = trashy a la mode). d2 and parker get along really well. we kept finding the two of them cuddled up with books or plotting little disasters together. i'm trying to be careful not to fall in love with this little boy, but it's hard when you're already in mama mode not to take just "one more" into the fold. i can see how step-children could be complicated (i'm thinking years down the line people...not now, what else is new?) and half-siblings even more so. i was so sure that i wanted more kids, now i'm not so sure. they seem like such a liability to a relationship and i'd be so scared to risk going through this mess again with someone else. (watch me fall in love and have a dozen more. things never go according to plan anyway, right?) hello, iud!

bk seems to have gotten a straight job (as in, 9-5) which is good but i'm apprehensive because the whole thing seems a little sketchy. he was offered the position (in high tech sales, yay silicon valley) at the first interview, with absolutely no experience. it is salary plus commission and he's planning on keeping his evening bartending shifts. his time with the kids will be seriously limited although he's hardly seen them at all in the last three weeks anyway... today he called at 11.45 and told me he had picked up a shift and that he wouldn't be watching them tonight (gee, thanks for the ample warning). he came and got them for about two hours in the afternoon and seemed vaguely put out (confused?) by the fact that they are sick. he called and said: "uh, i think parker has a fever." okay, that makes sense. she's had one for the past few days...why don't you take her temp? "well, i don't have a thermometer." okay, i guess it doesn't really matter, i imagine that if you THINK she has a temp, she probably does. why don't you give her some motrin? "i don't have any." oh heavens me. what ever shall i do about something as overwhelming and confusing as that??? how about pawn them off on YOU again! gee, okay, sounds great 'cause i LOVe grading and/or making chocolate in the middle of the night when you bag on us overandoverandover again. thank god parenting doesn't count as work. BAH.

and has he not noticed or does he not care that there are these people in the kids' lives that really care about them a lot, that bring carrots and read books and bounce them and carry them and comfort them when he isn't there? is he okay with the fact that the sum total of all the aunties and uncles and grammies and papas is seriously surpassing any role he has played for the past year? does he feel let off the hook, some sense of relief at not having to try so hard or is he just that oblivious and wrapped up in his own crap?

<---- don't forget

don't forget to email us if you are interested in chocolate. you too can help me stick it to the man!

i think spike lee is like the black woody allen, am i correct?

tha funky punkish homeless guy in sf, immortalized for j (decidedly NOT a stoner)

cry fest 2007

will someone please come over and shoot me? i'm running on too little sleep and 'renzo has literally been crying every waking hour for the last 24. the words that i can come up with to describe how angry i am at bk right now are not nearly sufficient. no call from him in three days and when i called this afternoon to tell him that the kids are sick all he had to say was "that's too bad." and then he took two calls. and didn't call me back for four hours. and didn't want to talk to p or anything... his coldness (stupidity?) is astounding.

i had a dream that i was the liar and the cheat. imagine that.

very sick baby

update when everyone is done crying.

the quick and dirty

sucessful dinner party for 8 adults and four children: yay.
two feverish and sick babies: oy.
the house smells like chocolate: yum.

crying baby: bbl.

celebrity 101

imagine my surprise when, walking through the safeway parking lot, a woman approached me and said: "this is going to sound strange but, are you celeste?" it was that awesome mdc mama with the box of clothes for parker and she had it IN HER TRUNK and gave it to me on the spot. what freakin' serendipity huh? she spotted 'renzo and recognized him. i was tickled pink and hope i didn't creep her out when i hugged her as she put her hand out to shake. ha!

thank you a. parker is stomping around in her new boots and has her outfits planned for the next week. i owe you some very fine dark chocolate for your generosity.

"there's still a little bit of you laced with my doubt"

i'm hoping for a big explosive ending the next time around. no slow building up of resentment and anger but the sound of breaking glass and screaming in hushed voices, so as not to wake the babies. i'm rooting for heart pounding music on car rides over the hill, like the midnight we saw a gallon of blood from a deer, just hit. and me, head between my legs and you not caring that i'm crying and with goosebumps, both of us wondering what the hell the other is thinking. let this die with passion and not a sputtering of never having loved each other the way we intended to. don't let me carry on as the over-explainer, the under-asker, the don't worry honey i need nothing at all-er. don't let me drive you away with clinginess or the need for reassurances and don't let me be the one that bores you with my seeming lack of interest in what you're doing when you're not around. let me find the balance between cliches, the first line from the novella i never quite finished. i cannot bear the surprise of loving completely again and being caught off guard.

Come all ye lost / Dive into moss / And hope that my sanity covers the cost / To remove the stain of my love / In paper mache

Come all ye reborn / Blow off my horn / I'm driving real hard / This is love, this is porn / God will forgive me / But I, I whip myself with scorn, scorn -damien rice

dread

i'm going to go over to the local child support office tomorrow to see what my options are. *gulp*

the post about chocolate

b and i are getting things up and running and are looking to get a list going of people who are interested in purchasing chocolate in the (hopefully) near future. we'll need to do some test runs to see how things ship across country and possibly around the world (this spells free chocolate for some of you). anyway, i've created a gmail account and if you are interested please drop me an email letting me know. we're just looking for basic contact info! clicky over there on the left. <--

just so you know...

when you call me and say in your quiet scary voice "i need to talk to you about something, do you have a minute to chat?" it doesn't scare me any more. because you've done it a bajillion times since you left and you never follow through. and by the way are you a druggie or just in so deep that you act like one? baby, i know that crack kills (and not in a good way) but that is no excuse to be a deadbeat. and remember way back when - when i called you a fair-weather father? you've crossed into that other realm now. you're pathetic. you don't take care of your responsibilities. your lack of concern for where the food/clothes/shelter that your children (and i, frankly) need comes from is appalling and shameful. we have so many people loving and supporting us and it seems, you don't even have your self anymore.

and that was stupid of you to try and bribe me with groceries yesterday and then renege when i said yes, but i want groceries AND money cause baby i can't pay the bills with a couple of gallons of milk and some tide. do you just like fucking with me? do you think i'm so pathetic as to feel connected to you because you deign to help me out with food every three months? does that make you feel like a man? or is miss bk just the squeaky wheel with her $2k hair extentions and her apparent need for long-stem roses and red wine? you are an embarrasment to your family. even our therapist and mediator thinks you are a piece of work. these are people we're paying to be fair and moderate and impartial. but your boundless idocy has ceased to amaze us (all 100,000 of us!)

el cancello

or something. in any case, daddy isn't coming tonight. he's working because he needs the money. guess he should have thought of that before he took the weekend off to be with his girlfriend, eh? yeah.

puff puff

if i was a smoker i'd be outside right now. lucky for you (and my lungs) i'm a writer, not a smoker.

bk calls and asks to talk to p. i tell him sure but i needed to talk to him about a couple of things afterwards. hand p the phone, she talks for a sec, looks at me, says she is actually talking to auntie bk and then hands me the phone. bk gets on and says in a pissy tone, "is there some sort of a problem with p talking to miss bk?" um, no. why? he proceeds to try and pick a fight with me like i wrastled parker to the ground in order that she doesn't talk to that worthless ho. i didn't engage. whatevs!

so then i tell him he has two choices: reschedule the mediation and sign the damn document or get a lawyer and see me in court. i assume you'd prefer to use the mediatior. he wasn't happy but he agreed. once he signs the papers i can go to the local child support agency (lcsa) and sue him for back child support, back medical and his half of the legal fees which i will float in order to get this crap done. i don't expect to get what i am due right away but they will enforce what i do not have the energy to enforce. did you know that if you don't pay your child support the lcsa can: attach your wages, report you to the credit agencies, deny you a passport, put a lien on any property you may own, take your driver's license away, intercept your tax refunds, take funds directly out of your bank account and more? no? didn't think so ass face. just wait.

then i told him (because i told him i would because i am an adult and not a weenie) that i am seeing d. oh, that's fine. no shit. i have your permission to date now? that's so great for me! wow thanks r! so we hang up and he calls back and asks if i am done talking. um yes, as indicated by us saying "goodbye" and me HANGING UP. so, is d a nice guy? no. not at all. i hate his guts and he's a big jerk but he's the first loser to show an iota of interest in me and i am THAT hard up. okay? rub it in why don't you. but i didn't say that because he is nice and i'm NOT hard up... like i said, whatevs!

slight change of plans

funny.

well i talked to the receptionist at the mediator's office and my grandparents and i may have a new plan of attack... more to come.

also, haven't heard from bk in a couple of days...

monday money

b and i are headed off to the bank to hopefully get financing for chocolove. (<--not the business name).

i'm heading over to my lawyer to pay the big fat retainer check so that bk can be served with papers regarding child support.

woot. not.

fits and starts

bk cancelled on the kids yesteday morning a mere fifteen minutes before he was supposed to pick them up. he was 75% asleep when he called (10.45) and said he "wasn't feeling well" and "needed some sleep." p was pretty disappointed but we made the most of the day and went to the park and she played over at my mom's for a while. she was pretty weepy this weekend and when pressed she says she's sad she didn't get to see daddy. sometimes i have a hard time telling if she's playing me (it does get my attention every time) or not. either way, she's been having a tough time the past couple of weeks.

last night i had a little gathering at my house with d, his son, meme and her boyfriend, j and his wife and of course my kiddos. it was so lovely to have that chaotic warmth in my home. it's been a long time since i've gotten to play hostess and i've never been at the forefront of the social sceme. this is the first time in my post-adolescent life that i've had friends of my own accord. what a full life i'm growing. what an incredible group of people.

today d and i took the three kids (you should see the looks we get from other people our age, ha!) to this cool organic farm that has all sorts of trails and animals. yes, it is november in california: 77 degrees and a splendid day to be outside. d's son gets along well with parker (he's 6) and they got to run some giggles out. i was tremendously excited to see the dozen tiny piglets that were born since the last time we visited. SO cute to see them all nursing on their big fat piggy mama.

tomorrow i was supposed to have mediation with r. he cancelled. i guess i'm meeting with my lawyer instead. $300 for the whole month of october (which is an improvement i suppose over the $200 i got in september). *rolls eyes* i think that is part of the reason he cancelled on the kids yesterday, i asked for money because i can't afford to pay my rent this month. more support. less choice about what i have to do...

i'm glad

i'm glad you left me.

i'm stronger without you. i'm happier without you. i feel things more deeply without you. i take more risks without you. i mother better without you. i am more carefree without you. i love more completely without you.

thank you for being there while you were. and thank you for leaving when you did.

i am

meeting and doing and loving and yelling and singing raspy voiced in front of people i don't know very well. and cooking omelettes in the middle of the night and hearing phantom phone calls and ignoring my bills and staying in a lot. i keep finding myself at the beginning of things and wondering how on earth do you keep from suddenly finding yourself at the end of them. how do you balance joy and anticipation with stability? when did i start taking risks? ina told me yesterday that she was impressed that i'm not bitter, i haven't let him do that to me. i don't hate men, don't even hate that man in particular. it's strange and liberating to knowingly get on someone else's roller coaster and not be scared, just happy to have found that the sounds from the freeway in the front bedroom aren't enough to keep anyone awake after all. the rumblings of adulthood are closer and when i grow up... and the bad thing that kept becoming the worse thing until finally it was the inevitable thing and the thing that set me free.

and if i'm being honest, that morning that he left, he was sitting on the couch holding his face in his hands and i knew he was making up his mind about something, like always unable to decide without my help, and so i whispered maybe you should go for a little drive and the decision was made for him and it was mine. i knew and i didn't know and part of me was betting that he would resist and tell me i was crazy or dramatic or what about the kids and part of me knew that if his shoulders passed through the threshold of the front door that would be the end of it and it was. a few weeks earlier we had been camping and he choked badly, had to be taken to the hospital. it was emotional more than physical i suspect and he was distant that week and mad at me because i wanted more help with the kids (renzo was 3 months) and he wanted to fish the whole time with his dad. it was his dad and sister that took him to the hospital and i stayed at the campsite with my parents and kids. i hugged him and thought i should tell him to please come back to us, and how, but i didn't and wonder now where i'm pulling this from. it's been almost a year and maybe our bodies are suddenly remembering and certainly my body has started to forget and is trying hard to relearn something.

we've been snowed and, er, trampled?

boatloads of candy. older kids said "merry christmas" instead of "trick or treat." i was a bunny. among the highschool crowd "trampy" is apparently the new black. yowza.