the one where i just see clouds in the clouds

happy news . . . my best friend's boyfriend proposed to her yesterday. i bawled my ever-lovin' eyes out; i can't imagine how she's feeling. she asked me to be her maid of honor and i'm over the flippin' moon. holy shit, i'm healing. i'm hopeful and joyful and excited for this journey they are about to embark on. two summers ago when em got married i was still in such shell-shock that i didn't know how to behave at the wedding. i had to excuse myself a few times to bawl my eyes out. i'm happy that a horrible divorce hasn't left me a cynic, a doubter of marriage. i'm happy that i can be in this stage of my life and be supportive of my friends but in no hurry for myself.

because of who i am, i'm quite sure that i'll make a valiant attempt at matrimony again but i'm not feeling the pressure to rush headlong into. i've made a life with someone whom i adore and who adores me. i'm happier with where i am now than i was a year ago, or two or five years ago. i'm savoring these moments with d and not questioning (or worse yet) planning where we're going. and whaddaya know, it's more enjoyable this way when i'm not trying to control every little thing. things don't have to be perfect to be magnificent.

the convergence

so we've been the plauge household for the past couple of weeks. the kids currently have hand, foot, and mouth disease (not the same as hoof/foot and mouth) and are sad and blistery and generally miserable-ish in this 100 plus degree heat. it's one of those bizzare little childhood viruses that's not dangerous, just uncomfortable. it started last night as bright red blisters on every single one of lorenzo's fingertips and has moved to his (and parker's) feet. it looked like he'd touched something hot and burned his little hands. thankfully we have a fantastic pediatrician and she was able to reliably diagnose him/them? over the phone. *le sigh*

aaaannnd, d had a bit of a health scare this past week (which for privacy's sake i won't go into) that turned out to be something okay (read: a bummer but thankfully not potentially fatal). in any case, it's been emotional and the worst kind of deja vu but ultimately, reaffirming: yes, i'm on the right path. when i considered the possibility of losing d i found myself nearly immoblized. this man has become a true partner, a father, a friend. words fail me.

it comes in threes

r.i.p. ed mcmahon

r.i.p. farrah fawcett

r.i.p. michael jackson

mj (no relation) is my man on the ground this week eh? more filmage from downtown l.a. this time michael jackson related...

ten years ago

i've been in remission for ten years, today.

In August of 1998 I discovered a painless lump, about the size of a golf ball, just above my clavicle on the right side. My pediatrician sent me to a specialist who performed a needle biopsy and diagnosed me with Cat-scratch fever. When after six weeks the lump had not begun to shrink, I returned to the specialist and was given the option to let the lump be (and avoid a scar) or have the lump removed. I opted for the latter and the specialist performed the surgery with local anesthesia in late November. My mom received a frantic call from his office a few days later. I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s disease on December 4, 1998 at age 16.

I was referred to Lucile Salter Packard Children’s Hospital at Stanford where subsequent biopsies and tests showed that I had nodular sclerosing stage II Hodgkin’s, with a mass of tumors in my lymph system concentrated in my chest. I opted to participate in a clinical trial (read about the study here. incidentally, i was one of those that received 25Gy radiation and i take issue with some of the findings based on my own experiences. nonetheless, i'm proud to be a part of the data.) and my treatment included 4 cycles (2 rounds each) of chemotherapy and 3 weeks of radiation. Due to complications during my treatment, a PICC line was placed in my left arm and subsequently a Hickman catheter was placed into my chest. I went into remission on June 23, 1999.

Since the completion of my treatment I have been diagnosed to hypothyroidism due to damage to my thyroid from radiation, peripheral neuropathy from chemo, learning disabilities that include short-term memory loss, clinical depression, and ongoing fatigue. Although I will be monitored for the rest of my life for secondary cancers and heart problems, this summer marks 10 years in remission and 5 years cured!

In the years following my diagnosis I have been busy. In 2005 I graduated cum laude from Santa Clara University with a BS in Psychology. Today I own my own organic chocolate company, Snake & Butterfly, which is experiencing great success. Additionally, I have two beautiful children, a daughter, Parker, who is five and a son, Lorenzo, who will be three in July. I love to surf, blog, read, and spend time with my family and friends. Despite my busy schedule, I have completed two marathons and a half marathon with TNT: GO TEAM!

please find a way to donate to your favorite charity. mine is the leukemia and lymphoma society...

'(775): i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure'

yeah, so somehow last night i thought i'd be less exhausted than i was before i stayed up until 1.30 packaging and got up at 7 to work the market... that said, we made nearly DOUBLE what we'd made on our best market to date. we're doing single origin beans now (ghana, madagascar, papua new guinea, criollo, possibly panama). they're incredibly diverse beans and ben is doing all of his own roasting so the flavors we're getting are incredible. i promise to update the website soooon.

bk has continued to step up more and more over the past weeks. he's stopping by to have lunch with the kids a couple times a week and taking them every sunday and most saturdays too. the improvement in miss p is incredible. she's secure in his ability to be there for her. parker got to see all three of her most favorite men today which was fitting. i'm thankful for all the dads in her life...and mine.

how is the weather where you are btw? because here it's the first day of summer and in the 7o's. *scratches head* this is n.cal right? incidentally it's been fantastic for business but hellooo, still don't believe in global warming?

and...my friend mj took this video in la.

raw and the one where i introduce you to fern'

i'm planning to write a longish post tomorrow but i'm into my 13th hour of work today, after four hours of sleep (that's the interesting part). alas, more to package for tomorrow's market.

impromptu

what i'm reading: the kin of ata are waiting for you by dorothy bryant - bizarre (has anyone else read this?) this is a very fast read, enjoyable but completely uncomfortable at the same time. it has a pervasive creepiness about it that's hard to describe, or shake.







what i'm listening to: third eye blind LIVE and FREE at music in the park tomorrow- flashback (who's coming? taking the train from my house so we don't have to deal with parking. m'kay?) this band, and just a handful of others, definitively sums up my high school years. i can't separate their sound from that time, all the heady emotions of a teenager.


what i'm drinking: wyder's pear cider - yum! bubbly? check. fruity? check. alcoholic? check. it's beer for girls who don't like beer...and apparently beer for girls who also do like beer. went nicely with the medium rare cheeseburger (over a bed of lettuce with sprouts, carrot curls, sauteed onions, tomatoes, and avocado) and sweet potato fries i had at the counter last night. just fyi.






5 funny websites i'm reading:

• awkward family photos
• fail blog (again)
• ugliest tattoos
• passive aggressive notes
• texts from last night

blurrr

scrambling busy. kids are out of school. d2 left yesterday for southern california with his mama and grandparents. he will be spending the school year down there but we're hoping to have him for long breaks and d (and the kids and i at times) will be going down there for visits too.

things with bk have continued to be stable. i received my c/s in full and three days EARLY last week and i just about fell over. he's being generally more friendly, considerate, and interested in the kids than he had been. all good things. that said, i'm realizing that the boundaries that seemed to be in place must have been in large part from miss bk and her discomfort (?) with me having a coparenting relationship with bk. things are as confusingly casual as they were before, and while he hasn't walked in on me in the bath lately (over 2.5 years!), he came up behind me and squeezed my shoulders. i turned, fully expecting d to be standing behind me, and just about jumped out of my skin because it felt, on a gut level, so innapropriate.

s&b is crazy, out of its mind (and yes it is its own entity now) busy. dad and ben and i spent about 6 hours down at the kitchen replenishing some of our inventory. we've yet to be able to get ahead because regardless of what we bring to the markets, we sell out of things that people just have to have. i can't even manage to stay ahead of our raw ingredients. seriously, in what wonky universe does little old s&b have need for 500 pounds of sugar, 70 pounds of cocoa butter, 5 gallons of agave, and hundreds upon hundreds of pounds of cacao beans (we've devolved from liquor to nibs to beans and finally to unpeeled beans that ben (very slowly) has been hand peeling)?

he tasted like cigarettes

i.
reclining, he says we are tuning forks
hushes me, shhh don't spoil it
stop the complementary reverberating
of our dissimilar pitches

ah yes

ah yes, there it is. still. just beneath the anger. the throbbing rush of pain. for reasons i cannot explain getting along (as in, we are) is harder than i thought it would be. i certainly can't move backwards and i'm a bit too gunshy to move forwards without trepidation. i remember why we were always such good friends, better friends than lovers. i remember how easy he used to be to trust, how that trust was so natural that it extended to everyone around me. i'm sad that sometimes i keep quiet when i should probably speak up. that i can't remember the things i was fighting so hard against. that given a do over, it would unravel all over again.

and to be clear, i'm not looking for a do over. things happen how they happen. i'm just surprised by how much it still hurts after all this time.

local?

i'm working the market (<--- check out the sidebar) alone tomorrow and i'll be bored! come join me in downtown. :)

p's graduation

mindless...debut album covers

1 - Go to "wikipedia." Hit "random... Read More... Read More" or click here. The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band. (alternatively, if the first article you hit is short, hit Random Article two more times.)
2 - Google "Random quotations"or click here. The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.
3 - Go to flickr and click on "explore the last seven days" or click here. Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
4 - Use photoshop or Picnik.com or other photo editor to put it all together.

many many many many things

none of which require much detail:

• today was parker's last day of preschool. holy shit. i'm about to have a gradeschooler ya'll. she's so ready all of the sudden too. (yesterday we went to a bbq at ben's house and she was wandering around (without me) talking to people, asking questions, getting her own food. i'm so proud.) wednesday her class has a graduation ceremony, complete with caps and diplomas. lots of pics to follow i'm sure.
• yesterday's market was busy. we're crazy just trying to keep up with our supply for the four markets we're doing. we moved up to 40 hours a month in our kitchen (25 wasn't cutting it). we're experimenting with different regions of beans (our current favorite is a madagascar variety) and doing a little bit of roasting (uh-may-zing).
• things with r have been stable and reliable. i asked him sort of last minute last week if he could take the kids to a birthday on saturday and he came through. we've tentatively scheduled a (first) overnight for a couple weeks from now. i'm glad the kids are getting to see their dad (and his parents) more.
• d2 is moving with his mama (she's finishing her lvn --> rn program) down to san diego. we have him until next friday. and after that, we're hoping to have him for long vacations and that they'll be back in a year, as planned. ugh.