i don't know why

i'm avoiding my blog. :(

i am so many blog posts behind. i owe a huge one on my last cancer checkup. and the kids. and this damn cold.

but for now:

We took another FIVE medals at the Fall Luxury Chocolate Salon! That's GOLD for Best Organic/Fair Trade Product! That's SILVER for Best Flavored Chocolate Bar! That's BRONZE for Best Dark Chocolate Bar, Best in Salon & Best Comfort Chocolate!

i love this man

i'm so proud of him. i'm proud to be his partner and proud to be raising kids with him. i admire his ability to reconsider himself and grow, even through his own self-doubt (and insane stubbornness). he forces me to examine myself, my fears, insecurities, and beliefs. i'm happy but not complacent. this is worth working for every day.

parker's best friend riley kate is the one in red and purple! those are all her brothers and sisters. :) finally got to trick-or-treat with friends!

lorenzo was a snake eyes gi-joe but refused to wear the mask and miss p was once again a super girly princess-y fairy-ish winged fancy dress thing!

tuesday list for no reason

1) i started grading again so you can all look forward to some excitingly bad quotes from some dumb-ass students. whoop! i just can't quit this for some reason.

2) i sent the chocolate to oprah. *whew* thank god that's over with. dear oprah, please don't put us out of business by mentioning our name and forcing us to grow 100000% in a matter of hours.

3) i voted today, did you? goooo prop 19 (legalize marijuana)!

4) i'm officially not legally tied to rory in any way any more. he traded in the car that we bought together and adios, there goes my name on any official document that includes his name. in classic fashion he got something completely impractical, a ford expedition. ay ay ay...

5) do any of you use the diva cup (or something similar)? sorry to exclude you mike...

6) parker has not chosen to see her dad at all since i started giving her the option whenever that was. her behavior has improved significantly. her dad's whining has increased significantly.

7) lorenzo is going through a 'phase'. it's the first 'phase' we've been through and i'm not loving it so far. he's having the worst separation anxiety and he's been attached to my hip 24/7, waking up during the night and sneaking in with me, throwing awful tantrums when it's time for school or anything else that requires leaving me.

8) very belated: danny and i celebrated our THREE year anniversary a couple weeks ago. seriously, where the hell does time go?

hey, welcome to the shit show!

yeah so, the SF Giants are going to the world series which is awesome! and what is NOT awesome: bk spent $600 a ticket for himself, his girlfriend and his dad to go to game one! 'it's probably the only one i'll ever be able to in this lifetime.' yeah. that.

i stole this from colleen because it's funny. and true. :D

i'm a big bloggy TEASE. but i have a good excuse this time.

seriously. our chocolate is being sent to oprah by the VP of marketing at cisco to celebrate the release of a product (made by cisco) that will be featured on the oprah show. i'm outta my mind. that, and we're doing a shit ton of other things (debuting 5 s&b desserts at a supa-cool wine bar, preparing gift boxes of a large anniversary party, working with a wine educator on cheese/chocolate pairings, press release for whole foods (see the picture below)) and that's just this week. so yeah, busy. did i mention that we're in a new kitchen too? it's SUCH an improvement, brand new, everything in working order. it's all happening! bring on the money!

i choose to control you through your irrational fear of decision making

more on that subject later this afternoon!

so i mentioned the ocd right? right?

i can't stop watching sister wives. i may or may not have bit d(anny)'s head off when he suggested canceling my recording in favor of the 49ers getting their asses whooped at sunday night football. i'm generally a live and let live kinda gal, strongly in favor of legalizing gay marriage et al. honestly, i don't care if you marry your pet goat as long as the goat consents. these four adults seem relatively well adjusted and their kids seem healthy and happy. they aren't pushing the polygamy thing on anyone else and shit, i'm happy and fascinated to watch a family with a life so different than mine. that said, when is the cattiness starting? thoughts?

i never learned to count my blessings, i choose instead to dwell in my disasters

welcome you select few, you. after four years of blog-stalking by 'superdad' i've had enough. countless disgusting emails, phone calls, facebook requests, blog comments and the police department's inability to help despite a known ip address and a city and state...i'm done! so here we are with comments open. :D

in classic hmhottbbuif fashion we'll start with a post about bk (rory! his name is rory! i can tell ya'll deeper secrets now!) this is a text i got this morning.

bk: hello, i'm in fresno, wanted to see if switching days could be on the table, instead of tonight, next tues or wed or both

me: i had plans to go to a movie tonight

bk: can i make it up to you, its 3 hour drive and i don't have to com back til sat. please? i will give you an extra 100 on the 15th. that's like 7 movies.

me: !!!!

a few things: his girlfriend and her four year old daughter live in fresno. he's been down there for at least a day or two and knew goddamn well that he was supposed to watch the kids tonight. HE OFFERED TO PAY ME TO NOT HAVE TO TAKE THEM. WTF? how the hell would that feel to know your dad valued you so little?

don't jump. or wait, DO.

this is a sidewalk drawing (done by parker) of five people jumping out of an airplane into a swimming pool. see how happy the four people on the right are? they are me and d and miss p and renzo. see the sad guy on the left? that's bk. he's sad because he has no parachute (the white globs above our heads). parker 'ran out of white chalk'. think parker is a bit miffed at her dad? i knew my psych degree would pay off!

compartments

spent 20 glorious/terrible hours in the car, wedding bound, d and me, a drunk man and his pregnant girlfriend. she cried. they yelled. road sodas were drunk and spilled and drunk and spilled. we passed three fires, climbed into the wrong beds, danced with refrigerators and contemplated our first girl fights. drove a hundred miles in the wrong direction, half way to vegas, multiple pee stops, blown glass oranges, a girl boy girl boy sandwich (un)fortunately derailed.

dove

i remember first becoming aware of my body's shape and size around 10 or so, feeling self-conscious at that age of my 'big' thighs (saddle bags or thunder thighs), especially as compared to my very skinny best friend (*waves to amanda*) who hit puberty a bit later than me. eighteen years later i still struggle to beat back the urge to refer to my backside as 'cheesy' and my breasts as saggy and 'mom-ish.' i do my very best not to self-deprecate in front of the kids. i want them to grow up confident and strong and proud of their bodies, regardless of shape or size. i try teach my kids healthy eating and exercise habits but must strike a balance between seeming obsessed with such matters and caring not at all. i remind the that all bodies are different and that that's part of what makes the world interesting. i wonder if my body 'morals' will stand up to their peers, the media, and their own inclinations... in any case, this trailer got me thinking.

ben gave me a bangin' haircut at the kitchen the other afternoon. how's this for a five minute makeover?






loving this new bra. on sale for $12 (TWELVE!!!) at kohls. comfy and sexy. sweet!



like this too. reminds me of one happy phosphorescent summer.

my foray into midwifery

here is the birth story of my good friend colleen. her daughter is ms. parker's best friend. colleen gave birth to her 6th baby on 8/25. i was completely honored to be there to help. :) this rivaled the birth of my own children because i was so fully present in the experience.

I suppose the real birth story, or the prologue, at least, started back in June when my midwife dumped me. She was going to be out of town on my due date, and the fact that my pancreas had been acting up made her leery of attending the birth. I did some research about unassisted childbirth and decided to talk to some knowledgeable people about whether I was a good candidate to have an unassisted birth. I knew that geographically, things couldn't be better-- we live about 500 yards from a hospital. I talked with my friend Marlene, who is very educated about childbirth, and she was unwaveringly in support of unassisted birth. I tried to weigh the general statistics on unassisted birth against my own personal circumstances that would either mitigate or increase any risks, as well as the risks I faced by having a hospital birth. I talked to another friend, who said (and I'll never forget it), "Stop thinking like a reader of pop-culture parenting magazines, and start thinking like the educated person you are. Think, do research, and figure out the best choice for your circumstances. Think about what your risk factors are, and how they make an unassisted birth safer or less safe. Think about the very real risks that you have by choosing hospital birth. And make the best decision for YOU-- that doesn't mean it has to be a popular decision. It just has to be an educated decision." In the end, I decided that the safest and best option for our family would be to have an unassisted home waterbirth. I asked my friend Celeste, also very educated about birth, to attend. As my due date approached, it became clear that Audrey and Katie were going to miss the birth because Audrey was moving and Katie had to go back to Pennsylvania, which was disappointing, but I was confident that Chris, Connor, Celeste and I could handle things. Connor asked if he could catch the baby, and started reading more birth literature to prepare himself. We all began preparing and reading up on unassisted birth and what to do in various what-if situations. I read about the fear-pain cycle, and decided to use the hypnobabies program to try to give myself the best chance of being able to relax and handle the process. I was pretty doubtful about the hypnobabies program until I got a stomach virus a few weeks before my due date, and used the techniques to make myself feel better. After I successfully helped myself through that, I started to feel confident that I could have a peaceful birth where I felt in control of the process.


I woke up at 3am on 8/24 with bloody show and contractions about 15 minutes apart. So I walked around for a while and did some organizing, and finished up our "emergency board"-- it had my blood type, reminders to use a landline if calling 911, etc. Then I sanitized some things and updated Bethany and Melissa, because they were on the east coast and I knew they'd be awake. I took Riley-Kate to school and met Celeste there while she was dropping Parker off. Celeste and Annie and I chatted for a while and Celeste was really excited that the day had finally arrived, and I started to get really excited too. Reagan and I went home and we all carried on with the day; my contractions stayed at every fifteen minutes for most of the day. Celeste picked up Riley-Kate from school and kept her at her house until 5, and then she brought dinner for all of us and herself and Parker and Lorenzo. So Celeste started timing contractions while all of the kids made a huge racket, running around the house. Things really started picking up around then, and they went to every 8-12 minutes very quickly. At around 7 I told her to go home because I wanted to get sleep, so she decided to take Parker and Renzo to her mom's, since she knew she was coming back later. Around 10 pm I turned to Chris and said, "No, no, I'm not committed to homebirth anymore. I forgot how much it hurts." Chris answered, "That's fine, it's just that when we get to the hospital you're going to have a panic attack and start screaming. So I'm wondering if maybe you want to listen to your hypnobabies CD." So I put the hypnobabies CD on and laid down to hypnobabify myself. Almost immediately the contractions (now "birthing waves," since I was listening to hypnobabies) started coming every 5 minutes and I was able to really stay completely on top of them. I asked Chris how far apart they were and he answered, "uh, I guess an hour or something? I don't know; you haven't made a sound in an hour." He didn't even realize I was having contractions! We decided that I would touch his arm when I had a contraction so he would know, and a few minutes later he told me that they were coming every 4-6 minutes and were over a minute long and he needed to call Celeste. I was able to talk between contractions, but I needed to stay centered and have my mental light switched turned to "off." I heard Celeste in the hallway a little later, and I very quietly said that she should fill the tub and I was ready to get in. Chris seemed very, very surprised, because I still hadn't made any sounds and was still completely coherent. They lit all of the bathroom candles and filled the tub and I just said, "The CD player has to follow me and it has to be back on by the next contraction." So they moved like lightening and as soon as I was in the tub, I felt even happier. Celeste said that she had never seen someone so calm in labor and that if I hadn't told her, she wouldn't have really thought I was in labor at all. When I first got into the tub, we were all joking around between contractions, so I had to have a signal to let them know when one was starting so that they would be silent, so I started tapping the edge of the tub three times, and then I would just stay completely silent until it was over. Chris looked like an even mix of incredulous and doubtful, because usually by about 2 centimeters, I'm telling people that I'm divorcing Chris, never want any more kids, might slap someone, etc. But in between contractions, I was saying, "I am so good at this," and was thanking Chris and Celeste and Connor for helping me. Then the four of us just sat in the bathroom for a few hours, talking very quietly and laughing, and then being totally silent, and then back to talking. Around transition, I started to doubt whether I was actually very far along at all. Celeste said that she thought I was in transition, and that she could check if I wanted her to, so she did and said that she thought she could feel the head, and that maybe after breathing through a few more, I might want to push. So I breathed through a few more, and then I just naturally started pushing because it felt better. Chris and Celeste later told me that they were amazed because I literally did not make a sound during contractions until the last fifteen minutes, when I vocalized during contractions and expressed some doubt in between contractions. After about four pushes, I lost my focus a bit, and told Chris that I was sure that I wasn't really dilated, and that I didn't want to do it anymore. I was actually a little panicky because I had been so calm-- the effectiveness of the hypnosis program had scared me into believing that I wasn't really getting the baby out. So I told Chris to call 911 and take me to get an epidural. Chris and Celeste reacted perfectly-- Celeste reminded me that I had told her that I always say this right before the baby comes out, and that this was a sign. Chris asked, "Do you want to go to the hospital because you think something is WRONG, or because it HURTS?" I said, "Because it hurts and I don't WANT to do it anymore." Celeste said, "But you are almost done. You're very close," and I said, "I'm not sure that I believe you. I think you are both lying to me." Celeste started talking about how nice it would be to be in my bed with my baby soon, and I really liked that thought, but I kept saying, "I know, but I don't know how to get to the part where I'm at that part and not here." They kept repeating that I was almost done. I asked them all to pray for me during contractions, because I couldn't focus enough to even form a coherent prayer anymore. Connor got a little upset at that point, and went to the living room to, as he later told me, "cry and pull myself together." He came back after one more pushing contraction and got his gloves on and got ready. Celeste checked me again and told me that it was getting really, really close, and on the next contraction I sort of turned to the side and hugged Chris while I pushed. Chris was very instinctive in the way he was comforting me, and I still don't really understand how he knew exactly where to push on my back or how to get me to focus. He reminded me gently when to breathe, and reminded me to relax my neck, and I remember thinking briefly that he might be psychic or have magical powers or something, because I wasn't telling him what to do, but he did everything that I needed him to do, exactly when I needed him to do it. Our friend Kirk, a behavior analyst, had just commented the previous week that Chris and I can have a whole conversation across a conference room without saying anything, and that we are awesome communicators. So maybe that was it, I don't know. Celeste kept telling me that I really was almost done, and I kept saying, "I'm just not sure that I believe you!" Chris asked what he could do for me, and I screamed, "GET ME WINE!" Chris said sadly, "Oh, honey, I'm not sure we have any wine," And Celeste jumped up and said, "I BROUGHT WINE!" I remember hearing her run down the hall to get the wine as Chris and I laughed hysterically, that she had thought to bring wine. It just seemed so funny. She came back and, according to Chris, I "chugged that wine like a sorority girl during pledge week," and I immediately calmed down and was able to regain my focus. Then I gave a really good push and I felt my water break just before the head came down, and Celeste said, "OH! Your water just broke!" And I said, "Uh huh, I got that," and then I was right into the next contraction and the head was crowning. I heard Connor say in the MOST professional voice, "OK, I'm going to just apply a little gentle pressure so you don't tear...OK, the head is out; I'm going to wait for it to rotate...OK, just a little push while I put some pressure on the head, and we'll have the shoulder, and...THERE HE IS!" Then suddenly I was holding him, and I was so shocked! I hadn't been looking; my head was buried in Chris's chest, so then when I was holding him, I was confused, and I started yelling, "Connor, Connor, is this real? Is this real?" And Connor was crying and said, "It's a real baby, Mom! Look, look, he's real!" Then I repeated the same question in the same extremely loud voice to Celeste and Chris. This was the part Chris had been worried about, so Celeste went to get the suction, but she was only maybe a step away when Ronin started screaming very loudly (probably because I was still yelling "Is this real? Did this really happen?"). Everyone was crying, and I said to Connor, "You did it!" And he said, "YOU did it, Mom!" And then Connor and I just kept congratulating each other and thanking Chris and Celeste. We went to my room to deliver the placenta, and Riley Kate had been planning to cut the cord. Ror put the hat on from Bethany and Melissa, very solemnly, and then we just waited for the placenta. But when it came out, Riley Kate walked out of the room and said, "Forget it; I'm not going back in there until that thing is gone." Celeste caught the placenta as it came out-- she was already covered in blood anyway, so that didn't seem to make much difference. But Chris came into the room just as the placenta came out and said, "OH NO, you got some blood on the box spring!" Celeste and I looked at him, then looked at each other, as she stood there holding a still-pulsing placenta, covered in enough blood to look like she had just murdered someone, and burst out laughing, that that's what he would focus on at that moment. Then Katie called, and I had another good laugh, because Katie asked to talk to Celeste (I wasn't making a lot of sense because I was having some after-pains) and I heard Celeste say right away, "No, she didn't tear." That cracked me up because only Katie would know me well enough to make that the first question she would ask-- even before she asked about the baby-- because she knows that I'm terrified of needing stitches. Then Celeste held Ronin while Chris helped me shower, and they all waited till I got back to cut the cord. Connor ended up doing it. Reagan tried to put his diaper on, but then she started shaking because she was afraid she was going to kill him, so she helped me dress him instead. I turned to Connor and said, "This is the best I've felt in months, and I didn't tear! You're my hero, a real hero!" He smiled and he said, "Wow, I am a hero. I'm glad I get to be a hero to my own mom. But I was just doing my job." We had decided to do some shepherd's purse regardless of whether I bled too much or not, so Celeste prepared it for me, and I was so glad to not really need it, because it tasted like hay. I kept trying to nurse the baby to prevent blood loss, but the kids just kept touching him, so the nursing was touch and go. He was so alert-- his eyes were focused and he just kept looking around with the most studious look on his face.

Ronin's birth was definitely one of the most moving experiences of my life. I will never forget the combined feelings of success, elation, disbelief, and gratitude when I was holding him, not believing that he could possibly be real. Connor, Chris and Celeste will always have my undying thanks for their support and talent in assisting me. I felt completely comfortable, loved, supported and peaceful throughout the entire birth.

did i stutter?

the company that bk works for was recently acquired by a much larger company. i'm told he's vested in the original company and that this will somehow benefit him (and therefore me) financially. and also, i'm told that he's accepted a six month contract (with hopes for permanent hire) that will likely have him moving to austin, texas. he's already talking about buying a house there. and uh, the kids said he bought a motorcycle. not surprisingly the kids are taking the news of the potential move quite well. "does this mean we get to stay with gram debbie on monday nights!?" asks parker. "wait, who? bk or d? which daddy?" asks renzo.

i suspect that if/when it does happen, not much will change in our lives. in a sense i'm relieved because it will clarify things that are still sometimes up in the air, if only in my mind. are overnights ever going a possibility? weekend days? more than four consecutive hours? will he flake? will he upset parker? will one of the kids cry and scream and kick when it's time to go with him? do i have a responsibility to invite him to school functions even though he shows no interest whatsoever? with over 1600 miles between us, none of these questions will even be relevant any more. and that calms me.

see how we grow

bluuuuuur... this is friendship as an adult woman: assisted in the birth last week, bloody to elbows (and between toes?), caught placenta, tied cord, uhhhh-mazing experience, reminded me of why i wanted to have more babies, or catch them at least. proud mama of a first grader, no more coddling these little ones but the teacher is quite a bit younger than i. cute, perky, not terrifically responsive. thankfully i have a proactive learner. and speaking of her...she's hating her dad at the moment. ('which daddy?' lorenzo asks. with a sigh, 'oh. bk?') forcing food down on his behalf and he's pissy when i bring it up. 'daddy puts us to bed early so he can leave sooner.' what a fucking disappointment you turned out to be. she's working through it now instead of waiting until her 30s and i'm proud to be her mama. proud to be the mama as well of this insanely thriving business which is shortly doubling output. whole foods and food emporium and oprah and weddings and tastings and on and on and on. here we go... whee!

my first life died for lack of sex, for lack of courage, for too much trust and friendliness

the summer before i was married i realized that i was scared to move forward without making sure i wasn't missing something. i asked his permission; he fearfully submitted. somehow i won $2000 in an indian casino, my first time gambling, a slot-machine-lucky-pull. i bought a wetsuit, an apricot colored surfboard and left on the pretense of learning how to surf. i slept with an old, very old and very, safe friend in the sand. (gravity is working against me, and gravity wants to bring me down) he came; i crumbled. i visited him for months, with bags of carrots and oatmeal cookies - drove all the way down the california coast and cried my way back home after days and days of sex and muffins and books exchanged. he followed me home and stayed. he taught me how to surf, how to make love for the pure joy of it all.

this weekend, drunk on the 10,000 feet of mountain i confessed that i had been deeply in love with him, that he had asked me not to get married. i considered. and then, my own creeping embarrassment. our families' disappointment. the things we'd already endured and were bound to endure later. we kissed one last time. he stood next to my almost-husband as we took our vows. we kissed. and i didn't look back until now.

thursday 13: week 14 oh yeah, and it's also thursday

random crap edition

1) we're going to d's grandparent's cabin in mammoth next week. finally a little vacation time!

2) d is working in a very famous quarterback's house this week.

3) i got that new flat iron i've been needing. TWO in fact. thanks colleen!

4) miss p starts school a week from monday. hell-o, who is this first grader? and also, thank god we can get back into the school routine. i am SO ready for it (see #5).

5) parker and lorenzo are at terribly conflicting ages. if i have to listen to ONE MORE shrieking argument wherein parker tries to dominate lorenzo and lorenzo resisting by screaming like he's being murdered i will knock their ever-loving heads together.

6) stick bug babies! they're teeny teeny tiny!

7) reed's extra ginger brew + rum = yum

8) snake & butterfly is getting a website makeover thanks to one of jen's friends who is donating his photography skills. i can't wait to upload them all!

9) snake & butterfly was accepted into whole food's market! holy crap. we're starting in three stores and will be able to expand once we can prove that we can keep up with the demand.

10) we're going to belize in january. omg. a real vacation with chocolate business-y excursions. this will be getting it's own blog post(s).

11) d2 is here for the weekend but not moving back, at least for now. :( he's starting his second year of school in san diego this weekend. step-parenting is hard. especially when he's so far away. the four of us miss him like crazy when he isn't here.

12) yes, i watch jersey shore. so sue me.

13) pasta pomodoro sucks.

the one about the girl that's not miss bk

on monday bk brought his girlfriend (of approximately six months) over to meet me and the kids. she seemed friendly enough and wasn't high maintenance (please refer to that crazy bitch from before) or standoffish with me or d at all. miss p and lorenzo didn't have much to say about her except that she was nice to them. she's 24, mom to a four year old girl, and lives a few hours away. her ex shares custody with her. aside from that i really know nothing about her.

bk asked me today what i thought of her and i told him that i was impressed with her but that honestly just about anyone aside from miss bk was fine by me. i mentioned that i view the fact that she's a mother as a plus. if she knows anything at all she won't step on my toes and she won't try and spoil my kids to impress bk. i sense that she knows this. i asked him if either of them plans on moving to be closer to each other. sounds like a no (another good sign that she isn't willing to move herself and her child away from her family and the daughter's father). ten minutes passed and bk asked how long d and i waited to move in together. 'a year.' i'm not sure what good advice he was looking for but i told him not to be a fool and rush into something like he did with miss bk. 'that was different.' yeah, you were cheating on me and your two kids dumb ass.

but anyway, i like her. not sure what she sees in him though. hazah!

sex ed.

scene: 6am, my bed

me: (sleeping)

renzo: (whispering) mama? (tap tap tap)

me: (rolling over) yes, lorenzo?

renzo: mama, which end does the baby come out?

me: huh?

renzo: does the baby come out the bottom or the penis?

me: huh? uh, neither. boys don't have babies. they come out of the vagina of the mama.

renzo: (sad) does that mean i won't get to be a daddy?

me: no, you can still be a daddy.

renzo: but how? i can't have a baby.

me: yes, but the daddy puts the baby in the mama.

renzo: (big eyes) how?

me: dear lord. come back after 8. we'll talk about this later.

scene: two weeks later, in the car

me: someday when you're a daddy you can have this rocking horse for your baby.

renzo: but i can't be a daddy, remember? boys don't have babies. only girls have babies! parker can have it!

me: no remember, the daddy puts the baby in the mama?

renzo: how?

me: with his penis.

renzo: (appalled) what!?!? i don't want to do that.

me: you will...

Paradise -
I see flowers
from the cottage where I lie.

~Yaitsu's death poem, 1807

my mom's best friend kerry (center of photo) died this morning after a long battle with ovarian cancer. my mom (on the right) has been by her side for the past seven days, along with her husband (left), son, daughter, son-in-law, and baby granddaughter. she died peacefully (at home) around 11.30AM with the blue angels literally flying overhead (they're in seattle for seafair this weekend).

we'll miss you so so much kerry!

21 october 1955 - 5 august 2010

thursday 13: week 13

celeste is edition

1) celeste is a little high on nail polish remover.

2) celeste is wholeheartedly against engagement rings. but not wedding rings. for herself. not you.

3) celeste is happy to have some mom friends for the first time ever. funny, sarcastic, don't-take-themselves-too-seriously mom friends. *waves to colleen and mara*

4) celeste is planning on having so much money in 2011 that she won't even know what to do with it all.

5) celeste is highly motivated. but sometimes at inopportune moments. and sometimes not at all.

6) celeste is 'when there's nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire!' with cellos now!

7) celeste is desperately in need of a new blow dryer. and flat iron. and maybe curling iron.

8) celeste is overjoyed with the in-ceiling speakers in the bedroom. they make bathing, dressing, undressing, coupling so much more.

9) celeste is true blood, not twilight.

10) celeste is so not eight years and two days ago.

11) celeste is over-caffeinated.

12) celeste is having frequent out of body experiences.

13) celeste is in little pieces in tea shops and coffee shops and wine shops and grocery stores and toy stores and all over the place.

interview with renzo, age four

what's your favorite dinner?

renzo: salad with avocado, tomato, and um, avocado.

what's your favorite show?

renzo: ummmm, curious george.

what's the best thing that happened this summer?

renzo: when it was just summer. when is summer? d2 came.

what are you looking forward to in kinderkids?

renzo: johnny is going to be there.

what would you buy if you have $100?

renzo: i already have a lot of money. uh...a pet squirrel

if you could own any pet what would it be?

renzo: a squirrel. or a monkey.

renzo: mom, can i have a screwdriver?

me: why?

renzo: because i need one. because i need to unscrew something.

me: *blank*

renzo: can i please have a screwdriver?

me: *blank* um, no.

the darndest things

me: hey guys, you get to see your dad tomorrow.
parker: (with sarcasm) oh joy.
me: that's enthusiastic.
parker: i'd seriously rather watch you do dishes.
me: *raised eyebrows*
parker: i have more fun on my timeouts.
lorenzo: (to himself) i'm still hungry.

thursday 13: week 12 holy shit it's thursday edition

thirteen things that happened since last thursday

1) my best friend amanda (of 25 years!) got married! i was the maid of honor, a job i luuuurved and stressed about to a serious degree. i procrastinated (as usual) and wrote my (what i'm told was a very solid and moving) moh speech about three hours before the wedding. wanna know how i got through college? yeah, like that.

2) i caught the bouquet and felt a little rush of joy at the thought of someday being married to d (refer to number four on this list). the garter bounced off of d's fingertips and landed in the hands of the ring bearer. parker snatched the bouquet out of my hands so fast and raced over to him to seal the deal with him. another wedding in 20 years anyone? (see number 7)

3) snake & butterfly got several new wholesale accounts and was contacted by bon appetit magazine for a potential article (omg! omg! omg!).

4) isn't he handsome? yeah, i fell in love again this week too.

5) d2 came for a visit and reminded me how out of practice i am at parenting/wrangling three kids and that i do not now, or ever, want another baby. ;)

6) i watched gangs of new york for the first time. *thumbs up* seriously, what the hell was i doing from 2001 to 2006? i feel like i missed out on a ton of stuff. maybe this is why i'm excited for my thirties. yeah, i'm gonna pay attention to that decade.

7) my daughter fell in love with a very tiny groomsman. after ignoring him for the entirety of the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner and racing as fast as she could down the aisle with him, miss p was suddenly and completely smitten with one of auntie amanda's new nephews. she sat at his table for dinner and raced around the lawns and dance floor until she could no longer stand upright.

8) i taught the kids about the joys of the used book store. they collected some very good condition and not very liked books of theirs and took them to our local non-musty, well organized used bookstore. and they made $34, that they spent on books! i had to convince renzo that he would regret buying ALL spongebob books.

9) all that crazy shit with mel gibson happened. seriously? what a psycho that guy is. can you imagine how vindicating it must be to release those tapes though?

10) i took a crazy hard aqua aerobics class and it kicked my butt. i may have been the youngest one there by 40 years but i did it without a floaty and it was hard ya'll. i'm not going to say that i'm trying to work out more because then i'll just stop but um, i have worked out more lately.

11) i narrowly escaped having to meet bk's latest girlfriend. he asked if she could come over to watch the kids with him tonight and i decided it would be best that that not happen, virtually unannounced, in MY house. i don't have a problem her or with them seeing each other (she's a young mom) but good lord. boundaries man, boundaries.

12) i was asked to attend my friend's uc homebirth. i'm thrilled and honored and cannot wait.

13) lots of good sex. :)

thursday 13: week 11 on a wednesday

13 things that may change your opinion of me

1) i'm lazy in certain ways and a complete procrastinator. if i can have one of the kids grab something for me instead of getting up and getting it myself, i will. that said, if there's no parking close to the store i'm going in, i don't mind hoofing it half way across town.

2) i didn't lose my virginity until i was 18. but it was in paris on the first day of the new millennium.

3) i didn't have sex on my honeymoon. that's right, i started my period on the airplane to maui, developed the WORST bladder infection of my life on our second day there and then had to be rushed to the emergency room because i fainted from it turning into a kidney infection.

4) i have a mensa level IQ and a learning disability.

5) i'm vain about my small waist...and hate my breasts. five years of breastfeeding anyone?

6) there is mental illness in my family. i've been on anti-depressants for ten years and expect to be on them for the rest of my life.

7) i used to be a compulsive keeper of things. now, i can't stop getting rid of stuff.

8) i've kissed a few women in my day.

9) i hope my kids grow up to look just like me and my family.

10) this is the last year i will be poor. i don't care if i have to lie, cheat and steal. i've served my time in the poor house and i'm so over it.

11) i've had more sex in the last month than i had in the last two years of my marriage.

12) i haven't written my maid of honor speech yet. the wedding is the day after tomorrow!

13) i took an aqua aerobics class yesterday and i was the youngest one there by at least 40 years. ;)

changing gears or ... how this is about to become a blog about sex, ish

i've realized lately that the reason i've been having a hard time blogging is because i'm trying to fit my new life into what has become a dumping ground for all things crap. what started out as a blog about our little family (rightly) evolved into a blog about abandonment, divorce, and my feelings of anger towards bk. it has been cathartic but now happily, is a bit outdated. so, i'm going to try and bring it back to all things current. and fair warning to my family and squeamish friends. that may mean sex. don't worry though, i'll give you a chance to avert your eyes if it's anything very personal. ;)

mr. baby turns four!

three years

two years

one year


zero years

rah rah switzerland

this is a fantastic, sad, and moving episode of frontline on pbs entitled the suicide tourist. the entire show is available online.

an update of karmic nature

so i heard through the grapevine (from her own brother) that the former miss bk (i know, i barely remember her either) is marrying the man she cheated on bk with. this involves a move to spain. phew! in the almost four years that we've lived under one mile from each other i have never (to my knowledge) crossed paths with her. i've seen her from across the way at her place of employment but never had a run in with her. in fact, up until a few weeks ago i never dreamed of her even. (in this dream she came up to me and scratched me across the face, pulled my hair and called me a whore. tragically, even given the relative safety of rem sleep, i took the high road and turned on my heel, saying nothing. i guess that ship has sailed, or will be soon in any case.) so miss bk: happy trails to you! may our lives never intertwine again. and if they do, may i be very very inebriated and forget my manners!

bk tells me with a snort (and a straight face) that while miss bk cheated on him with her now fiance, she later cheated on her now fiance with bk. oh what a tangled web we weave! (and here i am living in domestic bliss. i know, boring right?) meanwhile bk is currently seeing a 24 year old with a four year old daughter of her own. he tells me that she's a 'good girl. a really good girl.' and maybe she is. she lives a few hours away and of course this spells more cancelled visits for MY kids as lately he's trying to coordinate the long distance thing with a 'single mom' (poor thing...i can't even begin to imagine what that's like!). it also explains the new tattoo and the belaboring about the trials and joys of single fatherhood at children's birthday parties (*waves to colleen*).

so um, yeah, on this eve of fathers' day bk i present you with this. and to the man who is actually helping me raise our lovely children: gratitude. mountains and mountains of gratitude. *muah*

werkin

open letter

neener

first watch this (in shock and horror, i hope...)



then, read this and be completely amused.

operation stick insect

i volunteered to take home parker's kindergarden pets for the summer (and beyond). we are now the proud owners of six indian stick insects (phasmatodeas). these critters are so cool and after only 24 hours we're able to observe differences in personality. some are very bold while others seem more shy. they're happily munching away on the rose leaves we've provided and we're expecting babies at some point.

snake & butterfly takes gold

Snake & Butterfly took home a GOLD (best organic or fair trade chocolate) and three BRONZE (best dark chocolate, best dark chocolate bar, and most delicious ingredient combination) at the Napa Luxury Chocolate Salon! Holler!

this is our first big win and seems to be an omen of good things to come! we've also been accepted by a gourmet grocery store chain in new york city. :)

wherein i confess that i'm mostly happy aside from the normal douche-baggery

i know, i'm a terrible blogger lately. i've been busy, and worse, good busy and therefore not in the mood to write a whole hell of a lot. i've been more in the mood to read and lay by the pool and take the windows off the wrangler and participate in these last days of school with the kiddos.

s&b is keeping the four of us very busy and we're launching our new packaging next week. i'll be redoing all the photos on the website since we've gotten new molds since i posted pictures last (erm, two or three times over!). we're doing four markets and in about a dozen retail outlets (with two grocery chains on the horizon). we've also been offered an incredible chance to open our own store. it would be a tremendous leap for us and i'll talk about it more as things move along. needless to say it feels like we're moving into a time of tremendous growth and change and fabulousness. i still can't believe this is the same company ben and i started three year ago... i guess in many many ways, it isn't (thank god!)

lorenzo just had his last day of tiny tots today and though he's still the 'baby' in this household he's undeniably growing up. four (!) is just around the corner. miss p has six more days of kindergarden and then is starting summer school. she's suddenly a reader and i can't tell you how exciting this is for me. have i mentioned that i love having school age children? have i mentioned how over the baby phase i am? things are getting so easy. not everything takes 10 bajillion years to do. we can go places and they get in their boosters and stay nearby in stores but are big enough to go ask the bakery department at safeway for their own goddamn complimentary cookies. and they even remember to say please and thank you! our summer is fairly packed with camp and swim lessons and (very) mini vacations and weddings but i'm looking forward to a more relaxed schedule with them. that and getting to sleep past 7:15. ;)

things with d are for the most part domestic bliss. which is to say that after almost three years i still laugh every single time he farts (which is fairly frequently). i have to say that it's taken me almost this long to settle in, to relax and realize, hey, he likes us...he isn't bailing. i'm able to ask for what i need without a tiny frantic voice whispering but what if this pushes him away? we spent a very nice weekend down in carmel with my family and the kids and enjoyed each others' company immensely. seeing him with my family makes me tremendously happy. truthfully, watching lorenzo walk off hand in hand for ice cream with his biological father touches me far less that watching him and d trudge down ocean avenue on the same mission. (oh wait, no that never happens with bk. n/m.)

aaaaaaand, all bloggy roads lead back to bk don't they? moreofthesame moreofthesame moreofthesame. yeah, drinks too much. spends far too little time with the kids. cancels frequently. does meaningless things that look like big gestures to people on the outside (see: tattoo). lies. in other words: moreofthesame. the difference is, they don't care. the kids don't give a damn. a stranger could come and take them swimming once a week and would probably bond with them in a more significant way. parker asks in a blasé way: 'why does he cancel so much? why does he spend the whole time texting when he's with us?' and i answer as honestly as i can: 'i don't know. there's other things he'd rather be doing. this might be how it is always. but you're lucky because you have d and uncle ben and uncle forrest and papa vince and grammy and gigi and popo and jen and SO many other strong amazing men and women who love you 'til the end of the earth and back and will ALWAYS be there for you.' and generally, that's enough to satisfy her until her dad, or some other stranger or familiar comes to take her swimming.

shoes for amanda's wedding

i'm the maid of honor (whew, escaped matron narrowly!) in amanda's wedding. the dresses we're wearing are aqua and we were tasked with red shoes which i finally found today. :) those are red leather platform slingbacks by GUESS on sale for $39.99. sah-weet!

i'm going through a pissed off phase again about bk's lack of participation, level of partying and general disinterest in anything pertaining to the kids. he spends about 4 hours a week with the kids and has been canceling frequently even on that little bit of time. he's apparently seeing a young (quite) woman with a 2 year old and i suspect he sees that kid more. dear LORD. just get out already. admit you don't give a shit and move away or something. more tomorrow.

tattoo

he's inked their names
on his upper back
in a flashy sort of font.

as if carrying them like this
makes up for all the ways
he has let them down.

my desire to claw them
off of you is tempered by
the knowledge that you
never really held them,

by the finger-printy card our
son made at school, already
promised to someone else,

how our daughter will perform,

the whole world in her hands,

not noticing the place you aren't.

overdue

i have the sleepy sickenss again. will not backspace which you know if very hard. flowers wildting in two vases to say i'm a mom, by chouice, good or not, thanks for all you do! theres a choice asshat? takethe bed, the sidetables the mattress...the milk stains, teh baby pee, the sexless night. have it, enhoy it's yours! its the proverbial: you made your bed, now sleep in it! not quite right i'm sure but hazah. the promise of a trip a vacation a plane you and me. funny we haven't vacationed together are you a beach sleeper a hesitant turtle snorkler a persistant drinker? don't want to hear about the day the wedding the boxes but the three housr the 72 cups of coffee the avocados just ripe and the not-s0-baby asking for beets for breakfast. roasted as instructed. one in africa, maybe two can't remember the date but fairly certain you warned of danger on the beach for women we have a california king now you don't feel so far away or in any case i'm too comfortable to give a hot damn. we're buried in chocolate gobs and gobs in the new machine that felt so far away in fact the bed is calling now.

a passing

a friend of our family passed away rather unexpectedly in thailand.

r.i.p. lonny 1942-2010 so many wonderful memories of sol-duc!

another night at the kitchen

music may?

to be followed by a free write, eh?

because i said so, bitches!

thursday 13: week 10

13 things on my bucket list - a very abridged version

1) travel to every continent (i've got n. america, europe, and australia covered)

2) buy what i consider to be my childhood home (my maternal grandparents home in monte sereno, ca)

3) win an award for chocolate making

4) become a published author

5) own and play piano, well

6) live at the beach somewhere warm and surf, frequently

7) live abroad for at least a year (paris would be my first choice)

8) grow tomatoes that impress even my dad

9) raise my children to be happy and successful

10) own a lounge/chocolate bar with plush couches, books, artwork, music, and simple but incredible food

11) read at least one book a month, every year for the rest of my life

12) own a house with a library and a dark room

13) get a graduate degree

you've got to be kidding me OR further proof there are still hicks in america

no, this isn't a saturday night live skit.

insert meaty post here

i'm planning on resuming my blogging tomorrow. tonight, digesting my blt and watching a movie with d seems far more important though.

dear blogosphere,

i have not forgotten you. i have amassed 200 papers (600ish pages?) of grading and chicken pox and mother's day chocolate, etc. i'll be back very very soon. :)

thursday 13: week 9

13 things about kids and parenting

1) it's really really flipping hard: from birth until now, over six years later, it has been hard, on a daily basis. some days are harder than others.

2) it's worth it.

3) you can't say with certainty before you have children that you'll 'never' or 'always' anything. 'i will never allow my kids to leave the house in filthy halloween costumes...six months after halloween.' oh really? hah! 'i will always make sure my children have their hair neatly combed. no matter what.' hmm, didn't anticipate your daughter's cotton candy hair and extremely delicate scalp did you? some days, i'll admit, it isn't worth the fight.

4) i don't regret any of the crunchier-than-thou decisions i've made along the way. despite arguments with friends, family, doctors, and strangers about home-birthing, extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby-wearing, cloth-diapering, leaving my son intact and not vaxxing i am totally confident and at peace with the large choices i've made so far.

5) yelling doesn't help. while it may make me feel better momentarily it doesn't fix the situation, it only escalates it. i'm proud of how rarely i yell now. and i always apologize when i do.

6) the older my kids get, the more i enjoy them. while i love the idea of snugly newborns i like the reality of school aged kids more.

7) kids are resilient. despite some major drama early on, my kids are awfully well adjusted.

8) by age nine kids hear, process, and repeat everything. (see: d2.) be mindful.

9) i'm so glad i started young. i am completely sapped at the end of the day and...i have youth on my side.

10) if there isn't a bone poking through the skin or blood gushing out...they'll be fine. i've never been a nervous mom. i tend to wait three seconds when i hear a thump or a cry before i (slowly) get up to investigate. my instincts have so far been spot on. when i saw lorenzo's head spurting blood a couple weeks ago (see photos below) i sprang into (calm) action and dealt with it quickly and effectively.

11) i do blood and poop but i don't do barf. m'kay?

12) kids are fairly good at self-regulation. parker, d2 and lorenzo were given no limits on how much easter candy they ate this week. i told them they could have as much as they wanted and reminded them that TOO much would probably make them feel yucky. lorenzo ate almost none despite the fact that it was on the counter all day every day and he is generally there eating around the clock. he chose his usuals: salads, eggs, whole avocados... parker took a couple pieces to eat after snack at school and ate a piece or two after she got home every day. d2 made himself completely sick the first day, learned his lesson and ate less the next few days. ;)

13) i will snuggle my kids until they are physically able to escape me.

zee library or another bracing post

has anyone read anthony browne's children's book into the forest (not to be confused with the also fantastic and dark jean hegland's novel into the forest)? one of the kids picked this up at the library today and i must confess, i sort of love bizarre, dark, and vaguely haunting and perhaps inappropriate books for kids (dear mili by maurice sendack anyone?). i suspect the creepiness of this story went over parker and lorenzo's heads but this is one i'll sit and look at tomorrow on my own.

and, for not the first time i stumbled on a great rental at the library: the proposition, a film written by nick cave, starring ray winstone, emma watson, william hurt and guy pearce (from memento). this film is set in the outback of australia in the late 19th century and is completely disturbing...but well done. very violent, but not without cause...

'When?' said the moon to the stars in the sky
'Soon' said the wind that followed them all

'Who?' said the cloud that started to cry
'Me' said the rider as dry as a bone

'How?' said the sun that melted the ground
and 'Why?' said the river that refused to run

and 'Where?' said the thunder without a sound
'Here' said the rider and took up his gun

'No' said the stars to the moon in the sky
'No' said the trees that started to moan

'No' said the dust that blunted its eyes
'Yes' said the rider as white as a bone

'No' said the moon that rose from his sleep
'No' said the cry of the dying sun

'No' said the planet as it started to weep
'Yes' said the rider and laid down his gun

-nick cave & the bad seeds 'the rider song'

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

friday photo: "blurred"

thursday 13: week 8

13 careers i either really want or really don't want

1) forensic psychologist - before i got pregnant with parker this is what i wanted to do...get my law degree, interview people accused of heinous crimes and be an expert witness in their trials.

2) the lady that gives you the number at the dmv - after my experience at the dmv this morning (two hours waiting with a three year old hopped up on a donut) i feel for the bitchy lady who gives you your number and tells you to have a seat.

3) kindergarten teacher - i won't lie, miss p's teacher is my hero. the way she controls a room of twenty rambunctious five and six year olds is impressive. aaaaand it sort of makes me want to be her.

4) a writer - but with all the trappings of living in france and writing in coffee shops.

5) anthony bourdain - is that a career? because i want it.

6) a home stager - i don't know why but this intrigues me. interior design, but for fake people. or something.

7) a waitress - this is a job i would fuck up. badly. i have nightmares about being a waitress. god help anyone that i would have to serve. i'm sure i'd be crying before one shift was through.

8) a cave explorer/mine worker - or really anything that involves being in tight spaces. i'm terrified of the idea of squeezing my body into a spot that it barely fits into and not being able to get out. not sure what careers require this but count me out.

9) a personal shopper - spending other people's money and making them look good? yeah, that sounds fun!

10) an forensic anthropologist - i've talked about my favorite college class here before and this would truly be a dream job for me.

11) a trucker - i loathe driving alone when i'm tired. and i'm pretty sure trucking involves that.

12) a university professor - i love academia. does that sound snobbish? maybe it is. i like being around people who enjoy learning. i'd love to teach literature or creative writing at a university like scu.

13) an editor - i'd like to edit novels. sensing a theme?

pardon the boring bloggyness, or lack there of. all recent drama has been taking place only in my dreams and fantasies. my real life has been fairly mellow, tremendously busy but mellow-ish and domestic. or as domestic as my life ever is.

what i'm reading: written on the body by jeanette winterson

this was a gift from j3n for my birthday and it's one i'm glad to own on paper rather than digital copy for my kindle. it's a genre that i love and poetic and flowy and about a subject that i find irresistible. we lay on our bed in the rented room and i fed you plums the colour of bruises. nature is fecund but fickle. one year she leaves you to starve, the next year she kills you with love. that year branches were torn beneath the weight, this year they sing in the wind. there are no ripe plums in august. have i got it wrong, this hesitant chronology?

what i'm watching: life on the discovery channel

i'm a huge fan of the planet earth series and this show seems to be right along those lines (though i prefer an male brit to oprah winfrey when it comes to narration and i see now that this series is available in the original bbc version narrated by david attenborough too.) so far the kids and i have watched the reptile/amphibian espisode and the one about fish. both visually stunning...the footage is truly amazing. (the more i read on imdb, the more irritated i am that discovery isn't broadcasting the bbc version!)

lorenzo vs. chair

that's seven stitches. he didn't cry while he was getting them.

this also happened in 1982

swamp

i'm absolutely buried under grading, a ramped up chocolate schedule, play dates, wedding stuff (amanda's!) and life in general. this is a good kind of busy.

the business has taken off in unimaginable ways. sometimes i look at ben and wonder how the hell we got from there to here. i still don't know (though i know we couldn't have without dad and jen). my dad has sold so many new wholesale accounts that we're having to stop taking new ones until we get used to this pace. we don't want to over-extend ourselves. (we're in four wine stores/wineries, three coffee shops, two grocery stores (one a chain of six), a toy store and somewhere else that i'm forgetting...).

things are settled once again on the bk front. he generally sees them once a week, sometimes twice, sometimes not at all. he's decided to move out of his parents' house which is good news because he'll be closer and able to take the kids to his house instead of coming and keeping them here at our house (therefore displacing d and i for the evening). i've gotten him to commit to paying for half of summer camp for parker and though it's taking a while he is giving me the money bit by bit.

lorenzo has a girlfriend in preschool. it's ridiculously cute how smitten he is with her. 'mama, can i bring this flower to blonde kyra?' 'mama, do you think blonde kira will love this picture i drew for her?' every tuesday and thursday he comes prepared with a little gift and presents it to her enthusiastically. they hug for extended periods of time. :)

oh yeah, the blog OR just call me 296.32

we're swamped getting ready for the salon in sf this coming saturday and i'll likely be busy until that's over. oy. and i have a stack of grading that i've been ignoring...

i had my first appointment with my new psychiatrist today. (i fired my last one 3.5 years ago after she broke client confidentiality with bk in our emergency session 2 days after he left. up until today my ob/gyn has been managing my meds.) the session lasted two hours as it was a full intake appointment. basically i'm looking for someone to manage my medications for the next several years or until i don't need them anymore... i can't remember if i've talked about it before but i've been on antidepressants without (intentional) pause for the past ten years. depression runs deep in my maternal family tree and i don't know that i'll ever be completely free of depression AND antidepressants. the stigma wore off long ago in me and i'm not particularly ashamed or even affected by this. i suspect i'd be more affected if i was too depressed to take care of my kids. ;) anyway, these appointments are always a little unnerving because my degree is in psych and i'm fully aware of what some of the more pointed questions are stabbing at. "ever had periods when you didn't feel like you needed to sleep? periods of promiscuity? excessive spending?" no, i've never been manic... "felt hopeless? desperate?" no, and no suicide attempts either. and these symptoms are all clouded by 10 years of thyroid issues and learning disabilities related to my cancer treatment. it's empowering to be so familiar with your own health/body/mind but on the other hand frustrating. do we have to do this? can't you just fill my prescription/test this blood level/give me this x-ray and let me go home? please?

thursday 13: week 7, a day late

13 things i to be irritated about

1) having to have high risk (and very expensive) medical insurance because i had cancer

2) this rainy weather - blerg

3) facebook users who have no grammar skills

4) my own tone deafness and general lack of musical ability

5) the nasty woman who shares our kitchen and snoops and complains and is generally disagreeable about everything

6) the terrible school jen's son goes to just because they live in a cool neighborhood

7) having to give up coffee because it was making me feel wonky in the mornings

8) not being able to find the perfect sized paper cups for dad's truffles

9) have i mentioned the rain? and how much i want to take the top off the jeep?

10) family fueds

11) the horrible host on "family fued"

12) feral cats... feral children

13) things that require batteries, and the constant lack of the right size replacements

belated-y

click to enlarge for more hilarity.

mmm, hair.

this latest hiccup in my thyroid levels left my hair (and skin) dry and dull and ugh. since my meds have been corrected the shine is coming back and i'm losing a lot less down the drain. ben gave me a little trim today and i've decided to go the no-poo route again (click my link or google it, there are endless sites). have i talked about this here before? the short of it is that instead of shampoo and conditioner you wash with baking soda and apple cider vinegar. the last time i did this for several months i had the most beautiful hair i'd had since childhood. it really works. and it's cheap as hell.

as a child i had long hair up until 6th grade when i had a bob. then it was long again until i was diagnosed with cancer as a junior in high school. i knew my hair would fall out and chopped it short and then very short and then buzzed it. i rocked it very short for the entirety of my treatment (but had fun with it) and for a while afterwards. i grew it out again for my wedding during sophmore year of college. when parker was born it was looooong but when i got pregnant with lorenzo i cut it shorter and shorter. in a disaster with bangs i wound up shaving my head again shortly after renzo's birth. i half-jokingly attribute this brazen move to the ultimate demise of my marriage. (i will not lose another man this way!)

and the point of this post? i don't remember. i'm in a prather ranch tri-tip coma.

(and, as a side note...how cute was lorenzo at that age? and wasn't i rockin' short hair?)

sometimes i wonder if bk believes/feels what he says. 'the kids are my number one priority." and said with what sounds like sincerity but how on earth does that match up with once a week visits of a few hours? i believe people are capable of change because against all odds i've changed myself but i'm afraid it'll be too late if he ever realizes what the hell he's done. the kids don't care anymore. they don't notice that it has been a week since they've seen him and when i tell them that plans have changes it no longer shatters them or phases them at all. he's been replaced by someone stable and loving and willing to be there every day. when parker asks d to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day will it then sink in?

i graduated high school with a girl that abandoned her two little girls to her ex. she's slumming around the area and can be found posing semi-nude around the internet. her facebook updates revolve mainly around what club she'll be at, how close she is to a spread in playboy, and pictures of herself in various stages of undress. i'm afraid if i ever see her out and about i'll slap her across the face. twice - once for each of her beautiful little girls that she whores out once a year in her photo album to make herself look decent. how do people DO this? how can you walk away without a second thought?

is having wine for dinner perhaps

is craving loud music

thursday 13: week 6

13 things you don't know about me

1) i won a young authors award in 2nd grade for my story _the possum without a tail_

2) i'm extremely uncoordinated in some regards. mainly in ways that involve sports that don't take place in the water. read: i suck at any sport that involves a ball or a team.

3) when i'm really stressed out i empty the cabinets in the kitchen or bathroom or bedroom and reorganize them, getting rid of things along the way.

4) i love to iron; i find it soothing. there's something terrifically satisfying about taking wrinkly clothes and making them smooth.

5) i have a very long torso and i hate showing my tummy. this makes bathing suit shopping very interesting. i strongly prefer to wear a one piece suit and it's almost impossible to find one that doesn't ride up in the back or pull down in the front.

6) i don't believe in god (or the devil or heaven or hell i guess). there, i said it. this doesn't make me sad or frightened. it doesn't make me question anyone else's belief in god. i used to identify as an agnostic. then as an atheist. then as a humanist. after watching a fabulous documentary with d i realized that i'm a post-theist. i sometimes crave the community that a church lends itself to and most closely identify with judaism in that regard.

7) i feel like i should really hate john mayer because it's politically correct. but i don't. i love his music and think he's pretty gorgeous. so sue me.

8) i really can't stand cartoons. except the simpsons and that's tolerable for the writing and the voices.

9) i learned to drive a stick shift when i was 15. i think driving an automatic is boring and unless i have to commute in stop and go traffic i plan on driving one forever.

10) i never wanted to own my own business. it seemed too risky and unstable. now i own a chocolate company (and would give anything right now to have a piece of see's candy from the nuts and chews box) and i love the freedom it affords me.

11) i snuck into the movies for the first time in my life last weekend.

12) the kids and i hot tub almost every day, all year round.

13) i have a yin yang tattoo on my chest over where my cancer was. this is the closest i've come to balance in my life since i had it put there 10+ years ago.