among other things, you missed this week:

'renzo "going"

miss p's first preschool performance (back row, evan (her bestest friend EVER) is the one in the cute little tiger costume next to her!)

your son enjoying the pumpkin patch

your daughter partaking in the giant wave of fire slide

your daughter's first encounter with a real princess

shake n' quake

did you feel that? a 5.6 earthquake centered 9 miles from my house. kids, ma, and i were at the hottub and saw the pool sloshing like crazy. some crooked pictures back at home but that was about it.

random acts of kindness and to clarify

1) a lovely mdc mama who lives SO near me pm'd me and asked if we can use some size four dresses (gap, hannah anderson, rebecca rags) for miss p. and why yes, we can. and why thank you, you're incredible and it came at the exact right time. and why i love you mdc, let me count the ways.

2) miss p's preschool teacher left a backpack with two leap pad computers and a whole bunch of games in her cubby for parks and 'renz. thank you miss tiffany. i'm not sure why you chose us out of 39 other families but we appreciate it so so so much. i'm sorry if my hug caught you totally off guard. your gesture caught me completely off guard.

3) on the way to school this morning i witnessed a bad accident (t-bone, airbags deployed stretchers, etc.) thank you to the gazillion people that stopped, called the police, and cared for the very scared and beat up ladies in the cars instead of just driving off. and thank you to whomever for stopping the spinning prius before it hit us. it seemed thisclose.

4) and to the person who said to me what he said to me without prompting and merely moments before i said it myself: thank you. you are beautiful and i'm so lucky to know you.

and a list of another sort so as to avoid confusion, or possible to add to it. the cast of characters is as follows:

1) b is my business partner (chocolate) and friend. my dad introduced us and he used to work with bk and miss bk.

2) d is the single father that i've gone on a few dates with. we went to high school together and re-met at a middle-eastern dinner party a few weeks ago. he owns a business also, but not a chocolate business. he is a friend of my dear friend j.

3) j is the one that just took the bar exam (law, not the drinking type!) a few months ago and is working with b and i on our legal issues.

4) b and i have legal issues related to our business, not my pending divorce.

5) i am divorcing r/bk/hey assface. never been married to b or d or j!

6) that jerky single dad guy that i referred to a couple days ago is NOT d. that is some weirdo from a child's birthday party, not a middle-eastern business party.

7) see now, don't you feel better?

i'm bringing list-y back

1) i've lost my voice due to a cold and while i think i sound sexy, the receptionist i talked to this morning thought i sounded more annoying and difficult to understand. and also, the green snot may not be so much sexy as gross.

2) a futon by it's very definition, turns into a bed. and also, dimples and nipples sound very similar if you say them very fast but in fact, one pokes in and (ideally) the other pokes out.

3) i think i may be in love with damien rice. and also, he knows who i am and loves me back. (What I am to you is not real What I am to you you do not need What I am to you is not what you mean to me You give me miles and miles of mountains And I'll ask for the sea)

4) the bookmobile strikes again. (The sexiest thing is trust I wake up to find The pirates have come Typing up along your coast How was I to know The pirates have come - tori amos)

5) haven't seen hide nor hair of bk the last few days. got a letter in the mail from our mediator saying that we need to pay or else move our appointment to a later date. i suspect this is going to be a problem.

6) i think i have a boyfriend. and i really like him. a lot.

7) it is totally thundering today.

8) i made a bunch of chocolate connections at a little girl's birthday party yesterday. got several people's emails and requests for stuff around christmas. i also met "creepy/angry almost single dad guy." he and his wife, their 4 year old and 20 month old twins were there. he felt the need to share with me that his wife cheated on him, that she said it was no big deal, that she wanted to try chiropractic before getting ear tubes and be generally bitter and disgusting. i was accidentally trapped in the front room while he was a total asshole to her in front of their children. right then and there i decided that i don't want to be "scorned bitchy single mom lady." at least not in person. *pfft*

9) which leads me to say that bk just called a few minutes ago. honey, your daddy called and he wants me to tell you that visiting his girlfriend's family in redding is more important than you and your brother. in other words he isn't coming tomorrow. kind of like how on friday and saturday he cancelled because he needed to "sleep" and "get a halloween costume ready" and also, since you were probably wondering, he won't be getting pumpkins with you to carve and he's not a big enough man to come trick-or-treating with us on wednesday. but he might stop by! wow, that's something, 'eh? and: end scene!

back up on monday

sick and busy grading papers (doug, what the hell did i get myself into??? 30 freshman papers on tkmb??? and they're (or is that their?) awful.) like i said, monday.

k, let's try that again

so, last night i went out to dinner with d and we had a nice time. like i said before, he's a single dad and has been through the whole spectrum of stuff with his son's mom, the courts, and getting his own life on track. we also went to high school together and though we didn't know each other we had/have a number of friends in common. oh, and he recently started his own small business. needless to say we had plenty to talk about.

he was a gentleman: he picked me up, opened my door for me, bought dinner and was very easy to be around. he has a great sense of humor and seemed to get mine. plus, it was such a relief to not have to explain myself in regards to the kids. i didn't have to explain listen, there are these two little people (who are really more like extentions of my body) that, no matter how much we may like each other, are going to come first. if it was a competition - and let's be clear, it isn't - you would lose. every. single. time.

so again, no expectations because i'm not looking for anything, but i seem to be drawing all these great people into my life without really working at it. all of these different realms of my life are starting to gel. i'm so excited about my partnership with b and my new job through the high school and meeting new people and learning that i can be social. it makes me so impatient to get things settled with bk so i don't have to think about that anymore.

oh, and yes, i was just having a momentary lapse of judgement the other day when i was feeling sorry for and missing him. in the bag of dirty diapers that bk sent home to me (!!!) was a grocery reciept for eggplant, avocado, chicken breast, pinot noir, and a dozen white roses! so, here's to, uh, piss off ass face. cheers!

so, i went out to dinner with d and we had a really nice (but sort of rushed) time. we had no shortage of things to talk about because of the overlap in our situations.

bbl p is calling me.

doubt the vicious circle turns

i'm not sure if it's because the one year mark is about to roll around or because i accidently let myself stop being angry yesterday or because my dream life took a turn for the hopeful (if strange) or because there was a momentary lull in the flurry of action that is day-to-day life, but i've moved back into grieving. grieving for what was and what might have and should have been. grieving for the loss of friendship and partnership and parenthood in a more standard way. i ache for that person that stood by me through cancer and upheaval of various sorts. i ache for the poetry i wrote, that we won't get to live. i ache for the fact that i cannot look back, not even one month back, much less one year or ten years for fear that i'll see happiness in me, but not in him. i miss him so goddamn much and it makes me feel weak and pathetic because my resolve isn't what i thought it was. and while i wouldn't let him come home to us (how could i?), i'm so very sad that he is gone, lost to us forever. i guess that is what grief is. and maybe it will come in cycles through the years or maybe when i've met somebody new, someone who fits me in the way he used to, or the way i thought he did, i won't feel this way anymore. and maybe someday he will be man enough to answer honestly when i ask him was it worth it? are you happier? but surely that day won't come and neither answer would undo this... in any case, this has caught me by surprise and it sucks.

fire in the sky

my cousin bo has been evacuated from his home in san diego due to fire. there are over 300,000 others in his good company. he has what little he could grab from his house and his cat madeline with him in his truck. keep him (and all the other evacuees) in your thoughts and prayers.

*le sigh*

well, the good news is that we both showed up for mediation. um. and for the moment that may be the extent of the good news. he didn't finish his disclosure paperwork so we couldn't sign anything.

things got very heated when he stated that there is a problem, namely that he cannot (not with a eleventy-seven thousand dollars in credit card debt and a $2500/month apartment)and does not want to pay me. i know it doesn't cost $1400 a month to raise two kids! (don't ask how he knows this as i have raised them and used my 10k in savings to do so...) you need to get a job at night. (in other words take care of the kids all day and work all night?) i'll take the kids half the time, this is ridiculous! (right.) the mediator did a really excellent job of putting down his hollow threats of forcing me to work full time without his help for daycare, lying in court about income, and so on and so on. i did a good job of holding my ground and threatening right back. (ie, no judge in the world is going to send a breastfeeding baby to his uninvolved father's house where he is shacking up with the woman he left his wife for. go ahead and lie about your income, i'll turn us in to the irs. bah! nice new shirt by the way. oh and how was italy? i already have three jobs [namely parenting 90% of the time, the chocolate business and now grading papers too]). the mediator reminded him that he is getting off cheap. he will not fair better than this in court. and he won't. especially since he is so broke that he can't afford a good lawyer.

i may have finally gotten him to realize that by not giving me child support he is neglecting his children, depriving them of basic things like fresh food, winter coats, and the security of a not totally stressed out mom. he cried. i'm not sure if he was feeling sorry for himself or sorry because of what he's put them through.

the meeting ended well enough. we've settled the matter of the house. (i'm keeping it, that's huge.) we have another appointment in two weeks. he has a job interview with cysco for a straight job. (focus your prayers on this...it would resolve a LOT of issues or at least help us move in that direction.) we sat and talked outside for 20 minutes. i took the high road. again. i told him that i love him because he is the father of my children. i hugged him and he held on until i let go. a real sincere two armed hug. more genuine than i've gotten from him in many many months. i begged him not to let this turn us into ugly people. i reminded him that we can agree that we love our children above anything and that we don't want a battle because it will only hurt them. he cried again.

what an awful realization it must be to find that you've disrupted the equilibrium of all these people and you're no happier than you were to start. this is the first time i've felt anything close to compassion for him in a long long time. i saw a glimmer of that goof that was my best friend for 10+ years. (or maybe i just hope that that's what i saw.) *lump in throat* of course when he called tonight he was as cool as ever...

mediation deliberation

i've finished getting all of my paperwork together for what will hopefully be our last mediation session. prayers/positive thoughts are always welcome. likely the mediator and i will both be fighting to get what we're owed. seriously.

we haven't heard from bk in a couple of days and the last interaction i had with him wasn't particularly positive. miss p fell apart a bit on friday after she saw him telling me that he doesn't pay attention ('tention) to her when auntie bk is around. i started crying when she told me and made her promise to tell me if i ignore her when other people are over. this was really the first time she's been able to express negative feelings towards r, which i suppose is healthy. it's hard to watch her try and transform herself into something that will be pleasing to him... it takes two days for her to come back down and be her normal, carefree, if somewhat hyper self. it sucks to have to share her sometimes because she's so awesome when she's on. (i asked her if she wanted to go and get a pumpkin for halloween and she said, well, daddy and auntie are taking me. oh dear god.)

it turns out that single dad (d) was down for a play date, so we met up with him and his son (d2) at the park and then went and had some lunch and went to the bookstore. the kids got along swimmingly and it was SO nice to be with someone that knows all the intricacies of single parenthood, that understands how devistatingly lonely it can be and how hard it is to be civil to the other parent when you feel like their main goal in life is to complicate yours. while we don't parent identically, i was impressed by him and the level of involvement he seems to have in d2's life. we're meeting up for dinner on wednesday i think.

to be assigned

it's important to have known someone
who took charge, whose teeth clenched
and lips drew thin.
it's important to know that you can do it too,
when the time comes, and the sky
seems to pull away from the earth
like a giant jigsaw puzzle coming apart.
the children need to know someone has
been assigned to count the pieces/
see that none are lost.

-sr grosslight 2003

first assignment

so apparently i have a real job and my first assignment is to grade 60 freshman essays on to kill a mockingbird. (hey wait, is that supposed to be capitalized?) and yes, i went out and bought a copy of the book to brush up because i haven't read that in 10 years and also because i am allegedly a dork.

and also, b and i picked a new name for the business and i'll be setting up an email link over there to the left so that ya'll can get on a mailing list. i think we'll be taking orders first come, first served. we'll need some people to be shipping guinea pigs so we can see if the chocolate can survive the heat/thrashing that is involved in ground travel (free chocolate for your feedback of course!) stay tuned for a contest or something.





'renzo and b's new puppy (airedale oorang) charlotte. she is SO cute.

another list

my list of necessities:

cat litter/food
people food
dish soap
heat
garbage service
gas for the car

oh shit! no, that's apparently my list of luxury items!

i have asked bk twice for money this week. somehow he has none for the kids and i but does have some for a new jacket and home furnishings so he can play house with miss bk. i called the mediator and asked how i am supposed to enforce child support. he said be sure to ask on monday at our next appointment and he'll outline my options for me. this is crap. i'm beginning to wonder if he is still feeling vindictive or if he's just not that smart....

the only thing worse

the only thing worse than smelling another woman's perfume on your spouse is smelling another woman's perfume on your child. :o(

what's wrong?

what's wrong is that your new belt cost more than my monthly budget for groceries. what's wrong is that i'm tired from being up all night with a coughing baby. what's wrong is that you are a deadbeat and don't seem to know it. what's wrong is that i now have three jobs and you can't seem even to get an interview. what's wrong is that i am tethered to you for the rest of my life and i resent it. what's wrong is that you showed up a half hour late because you were napping. what's wrong is that you're the fun parent and i'm the real parent. what's wrong is that you owe me back child support, plus 10% interest! what's wrong is that even the cloth diapers that are soiled on your watch are washed on mine. that's what's wrong.

risks and benefits to a child in the chocolate business

wtf?

how did i miss this exciting bit of news?

kathy griffin is dating steve wozniak (founder of apple computers, inventor of the first personal computer)? wha? i went to middle/high school with his son and steve lives in my hometown. he'd come and give talks at school, is a nice, very smart, if awkward, guy. but yay for lots and lots of money! ;o)

beware the ides of october...or something

you know you live in california when traffic comes to a screeching hault because it's drizzling.

i think i almost sort of got a job grading papers through my high school. great hourly starting wage and i get to do it from home. i've done lots of editing in the past but this particular type is new to me. i'm oddly excited. (thanks doug!)

last night the kids and i went to a dinner party at a friend's house and we had a fabulous time (waves to danielle, thanks!). there was a single dad there that i went to high school with and it was nice to swap stories with him. he's six years down the road and in some ways it seems like it doesn't get easier but nonetheless he has made a life (he also owns a small business) for himself and his son and that is reassuring. i emailed him and asked him out for coffee or a playdate. we'll see what he says. i am not socially retarded afterall.

b and i are busy making chocolate and working on paperwork stuff. one of the people at the party last night has been a friend since kindergarten and happens to have just gone into business law. yay us! so we're going to meet with him next week.

more later.

i'm a big kid now

there's something entirely reassuring about sleeping in a twin bed with two tiny little people who you love more than life itself. there's something terribly disconcerting about the similarities between divorce (this one) and high school (mine). i'm scared that even in the tiniest way this woman will take my place where my kids are concerned, that she'll grow into something more than a whore who buys my daughter disney princess chapstick. i'm embarrassed that i've waffled between bravado and shame and haven't been able to just own this outright. what if i've gotten in over my head? what if i've been nothing more than a reaction to my circumstances? what if my identity has always been tied to my experiences? i want something tangible and not forced. i'm comfortable un-partnered, have finally allowed myself to acknowledge that i even prefer it. i'm more than the sum of all the assumptions about me but i'm not above gossip. and i'm not above spilling secrets and i'm not above guilt and i'm not above anything i guess. i stood up for myself today and told him that even if he lies i will continue to act with integrity. he admitted that i've behaved like an adult and he hasn't. it was never about italy or cohabitation or or or it was about lies and me not reacting like a crazed bitch. it's out of my hands. it's out of my control. all i can do is change how i react and throw him off balance. some days things feel so on, some days things feel so out of sink. i'm having trouble remembering my direction. what were my plans for life? what was derailed? was i so much part of a couple that i was just carried along by the marital current of weeding and shopping and laundering and camping? where does he end and where do i begin? i'd like to go back to removing water marks from the wooden stools. back to harassing the drycleaner for stains on our bedspread. back to university where i am 18 and 19 and 20 and admiring the way my civil war diamond makes rainbows in calculus and 21 and admiring the way it feels to have a baby kicking from the inside and 22 and a square for not drinking but it was still funny then, not something worth leaving over. and now i'm almost 26 which isn't old in anyone's book and i'm not simply survived cancer (check), married with children (check), left for another woman (check), struggling to hold it all together (check), making chocolate (check) and instead of having all of my eggs in one basket i've gotten them all so spread out i can't remember where i put them.

hey look, a list!

1) el frickin' camino!

2) i had my oncology appointment today (no results until sometime next week). it's always a little strange and wonderful to be back there. even after all these years there are still a lot of people that i know. it's neat to show off my kids, i guess they're proof that i'm still alive. the last time i was up there was right before bk left. things have changed.

3) lorenzo has tremendously sweaty/stinky feet. bad. really.

4) oh and your cat's still dead!

5) ikea is awesome. mom and the kids and i went today and yes, i found about 75 bajillion things that i want.

6) i have no emotional energy to talk about all the important things that i have to say. seems like fridays do that to me. tomorrow. okay?

7) dan in real life

more prayers and positive thoughts

i have my annual oncology appointment tomorrow at 10.30! it's always like visiting an old friend. post to follow.

justin timberlake does scranton

NOW HE'S 19 minutes LATE AND NOT ANSWERING THE CELL.

half hour and brings the bitch with him TO MY PROPERTY. bk wearing ANOTHER brand new article of clothing. p informs me that they were late because they had to pick up their wine rack. this is so fucking disgusting i can't even believe it.

meditation on mediation

buzzkill is coming to get the kids for dinner in about 20 minutes (assuming he's not late and yes, he will be). i'll post the update after they've left. 'renzo is wreaking havoc and i can't sit still long enough to concentrate on coherency. *blah!*

well, only 10 minutes late, incredible!

so our appointment was at 11am yesterday. i was nervous and i got there 10 minutes early because it was important to me to be there first for some reason. i went in, talked to the really nice receptionist, got myself some water and sat on the couch and shook like a leaf. buzzkill called at about 5 to 11 and said he was on his way. m'kay? he arrived about 10 minutes late in jeans, flip flops and a polo shirt. i was dressed appropriately for the occasion.

we went in. stan (mediator) asked what we wanted to put on the agenda for the day. bk said parenting plan. i said visitation. bk said money and house stuff. i said house/car. i pulled out the parenting plan and we went over it again page by page. i was fully expecting some argument on some aspect of it. it is written so that we technically have shared legal custody (i have physical custody) but that if we disagree about something i have the final say. i am in charge of medical, school, extra-curricular, etc... i get the kids on all holidays (though he is welcome to partake as appropriate, ie, if he wants to come over christmas morning i'm not going to throw a huge hissy fit). i can cancel visitation if he is late. the only thing that was up for discussion at all was the issue of partners. since he completely disregarded our verbal agreement anyway, i decided to not fight this. i informed him how traumatic it was for parker to be caught off guard the way she was, told him i was being a grownup and not going ape-shit on him for being a sneak and a liar and a cheat andandand, and asked him to kindly inform me in the future before he dropped any bombs on the kids. i also told him i would be keeping ina apprised of anything important so that she could help prepare parker appropriately. yay me, i have integrity! we'll reassess the agreement every 2 years or at a major life change (new jobs, marriage *barfs in mouth*, moves).

next we talked about visitation. i was prepared (and terrified) for the fact that he might ask for overnights with parker. (this is going too smoothly, it must be a trick...) stan asked him what his ideal schedule would be. tuesday and wednesday from 5.00-9.30 pm. friday and saturday from 11am-4pm. i was so excited about the no overnight thing that i agreed, if it could be every other saturday. [sidebar: yesterday, a tuesday by my calculation, he shows up at 5.45. *see above agreement* after god knows how much tv (we don't own one, by choice) the kids came home at 9. p was completely bouncing off the walls wired then cried hysterically for about 10 minutes and then was more wired again. took me FORever to get them to bed and of course they didn't sleep in.] after some serious consideration *see sidebar* i called bk this afternoon and told him the 9pm thing was NOT going to work. that's their usual bedtime and p didn't fall asleep last night until 11.15 *yawn* he agreed without a fight. he's going to have them back tonight by 7.30 at the latest. it isn't about the kids and it never has been right...?

the stuff...first he didn't want anything. now he wants some of it because he's "starting a new household." that's all fine and dandy. other than my books and artwork i'm not really attached to anything. he can have the fucking silverware. i'd be just as happy to go to the thrift store and get new silverware, IF he would give me some money so that i could afford it. now since he hasn't in almost 4 MONTHS and i can't, i don't want to give him jack shit. i suspect strongly that since he and miss bk are renting a $2500/month 2 bedroom apartment (outrageous, even for this area) and since she spends $2000 for hair extensions and they stay at 4 star hotels when they go to italy and he's got another new designer t-shirt that probably cost more that the entire winter wardrobe i bought for p at the thrift store andandand they aren't eating off of paper plates or drinking their fancy wine in plastic cups. this is a high-maintenance couple. they don't need my goddamn plates. i'm sure their plates are nicer anyway! so we'll see how that conversation goes.

the money issue (which i will not get into gory details about) is the most complicated issue. *big shocker there eh?* he's pissed about how much he minimally has to give me. i'm pissed because the number was arrived at based on us both having minimum wage jobs (plus his tips). first, i don't have a job. second, i have a nursing 1 year old. the idea of me getting a full time job is insane. the idea (his) that we could swing that withOUT babysitting costs is ludacris. his earning potential (proven) is way higher than what he's making now and he's trying to jerk me around because he wants his fancy apartment and top-notch lifestyle while the kids and i live on WIC supplements and second hand everything.

we have another (hopefully final) appointment on monday the 22nd. i feel secure about the children and somewhat willing to compromise on the money issues just to be done with this. 2008 here we come!

this isn't really related but anyway. he says he can't afford carseats this month and so he's still taking mine everytime he takes the kids and now that i've started to cloth diaper renzo again he takes the diaper bag and brings me back the dirty cloth diapers when he returns the kids. ha!

7.35pm he's LATE returning the kids!!!

the very very short version

he signed the parenting agreement that i drafted months ago.

we agreed on a visitation schedule.

we're close to an agreement regarding child/spousal support and what to do with the house.

we have our (hopefully final) appointment on monday the 22nd.


details in the morning. all in all i am very relieved and surprised at how well things went. thanks for the prayers and positive thoughts. keep 'em coming. i can see the light at the end of this tunnel.

call for prayers & positive thoughts

mediation at 11am. i want to have the parenting document signed and a visitation schedule agreed upon. everything else is icing.

life is sweet

my real reason for living

is the office.

i'm petrified of nipple chafing. once it starts, it's a vicious circle. you have sensitive nipples, they chafe, so they become more sensitive, so they chafe more. it's a tough one. gotta take precautions.

chitty chitty bang bang

friday afternoon maria (my dad's wife) was in an accident on her electric vespa. some guy in a giant suv cut her off and she laid her bike down quite hard. the guy stopped long enough to make sure no one witnessed anything and then left the scene (didn't even check to make sure she was okay). apparently someone called the police and maria was taken to the hospital. she is really sore and has some nasty abrasions (through three layers including leather). the pain medication they gave her made her vomit all day yesterday. positive thoughts appreciated.

buzzkill took the kids for a few hours yesterday up to his parents. we came to another verbal agreement stating that he would have the kids every other weekend for 5 hours (likely less) and on tuesday evenings. except sundays "are kind of hard" (read: he's rather sleep in with miss bk?) so weekend just means saturdays and some fridays, maybe...

ANYway, b and i made a big batch of chocolate, tempered it (gave it a lovely shine), poured several bars, dipped some dried/sugared ginger and un-sulphered apricot, packaged and of course ate some chocolate. we made a couple of flavored bars and also infused some agave. we got a buuuunch done.

oh, but before that we took the kids to the carnival where parker spun herself silly on a teacup ride and then gorged on cotton candy.

pictures to follow shortly

'renzo got two teeth this week and

parker just said: where the hell is my ball?

no call tonight.
called last night but p didn't want to talk. same with tuesday.

dear god, real funny

two words: pink eye!

minor activity in and around the brain

i found this tragic bit of news from yahoo!news odd and sort of funny.

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Campbell Soup Co said on Thursday it voluntarily recalled a limited quantity of its "Campbell's Chunky" Baked Potato with Cheddar & Bacon Bits due to a potential choking hazard. [???]

The company said three consumers had reported minor injuries in and around the mouth. [???]

Concerned consumers can call Campbell at 888-453-3868.

scaling back-er

called the ymca and put our membership on hold for the next three months (at which point i'll probably cancel). i can't afford the extra $25 a month and all i need is to exercise and lose more weight. i'm also switching lorenzo back to cloth diapers. i've been feeling guilty about the plastic ones but didn't feel i had the wherewithal to manage cloth on top of everything else. money wins out again. so that's it; there isn't anything else i can do to cut back. aside from the internet and like i said, until we are at risk of losing our home, i'm not giving it up. my dad keeps slipping money in my purse and i hate it, but i'm currently in no position to turn it down. he's already paying for my cell phone. ugh. but thank you.

i'm stressed and when i get stressed i try to control my surroundings. namely i organize and rid my house of all the perceived crap. this afternoon i gathered several bags of things (toys, clothes, stuff) to donate to the thrift store. it's an easy way to declutter my internal state and i suppose in my position it is better than compulsively buying useless crap... i've done it so many times in the last year though i'm not going to have anything to get rid of soon.

i feel like all the actions i'm taking now are because i've been backed into a corner, not because they're the path i've chosen. r must sense something is up, he's been calling a bunch and i get the distinct feeling that he's checking up on me. probably he's nervous because i haven't reacted to anything (the italy trip, moving in with miss bk, introducing miss bk, getting no $). the shit's going down on tuesday at the mediator's, assuming he bothers to show up. i've decided i'm not going to interact with him at all without a third party present and anything that needs to be discussed about the children can be done via email or letter or messenger pigeon for all i care. i can't deal with his bullshit and i'm afraid i might rip his testicles out through his nose if he stands too close to me or worse yet, be vaporized if he breathes on me. well, october will be the month that everything turned around, one way or the other. i made the mistake of letting my mind wander into that fearful place today and imagined myself having to hand lorenzo over for an overnight, begging, crying, pleading to let him stay, he can't be away from me that long while he's still nursing, i'm the only thing he's ever known... it's the last way to hurt me and i've sworn to myself that i wouldn't be surprised by anything he does. so i'm preparing myself for the absolute worst scenario i can. don't ask me how i'll deal. i'm still feeling numb about what happened last night.

i heard an interesting (and sad) interaction when mom and the kids and i were out this evening. it was a little boy 6? 7? whining to his dad about wanting to go to some races or play t-ball or something. the (youngish) dad turned on the kid and hissed at him: you think she's going to take you? you think she cares? how many times has she taken you? one? ONE. i've taken you a million times! go live with your mom if you want but she doesn't care! she won't take you. and the kid started whimpering and the dad pulled him close and held him like he was sorry. it's shitty because there have been a million moments like that, when i wanted to scream at p when she is being stubborn about something and trys to play the daddy card: he doesn't love you! if he cared he would BE here now. you are inconvenient to him. i do all the work: i wipe you bottom and brush your teeth and take care of you. i'm the one that loves you! why do you want him when he doesn't want you? but i don't say it because it would break her little heart and it isn't really what i want. but i've been thisclose. i was sad and ashamed for that dad but i knew exactly how he was feeling and i understand that after years of the same disappointment anyone might be there.

knock me over...

lying fuck. he introduced them to auntie buzzkill tonight and i found out from our daughter. he didn't have the goddamn balls to tell me to my face that he was going to do it. "auntie buzzkill said she's going to buy me presents! auntie buzzkill says this...and that!" the thought of that home-wrecking bitch (allow me my 5 minutes please) and vile scumsucking piece-of-shit playing house with the kids who are only fun when they aren't snotting or whining or requiring any REAL work, my baby boy that he barely even knows... if i had any reason to believe that his sudden interest was about anything other that impressing his friends. if he would bother to finish what he started. if he would bother to give me more than TWO hundred FUCKING dollars a month. if only if only if only.

there. it's done. i'm going to bed.

i am aware now

yesterday was extreeeeeeemely mellow as the kids were snotting out there face orifices and generally just whining a lot. we didn't even set foot outside (we're having another warmish spell, surprise). 'renzo has been on a solid food strike for the last few days so we've been nursing pretty much around the clock. lemme tell you, it takes a lot more milk to satiate a 25+ pound 15 month old than it does a newborn... (in case you're keeping score i've been nursing (at least one child (and yes, p weaned)) for 1360 days or 3 years 8 months). the last two nights lorenzo has woken up at about two and been awake and fussy for about 2.5-3 hours. ohmygod i'm tired, my kids are typically good sleepers and i'm so not used to this, especially after a relatively fun-filled weekend.

r and i were supposed to have a mediation session today but he had to cancel it because he might be getting a call about a job. *rolls eyes* he brought us dinner last night (at my request) at least and stayed for about 45 minutes.

later b and i watched this two hour documentary (?) called zeitgeist, the movie (zeitgeist is a german expression that translates to "spirit of the age). it is a film in three parts: part 1 deals with christianity and it's possible roots in paganism; part two deals with a 9/11 inside job theory; part three deals with the international bankers. the conclusion ties the three together and talks about one world government and microchipping... we were both riveted and i'm not sure why exactly. the unnamed maker of the film says on his/her website "it is my hope that people will not take what is saidin the film as the truth, but find out for themselves, for truth is not told, it is realized." i have absolutely no clue how accurate the info in the movie is but it did what i believe it set out to do, it made me think.

thanks austin for the recommendation!

because both kids are sick and kept me up a ton last night and i'm generally not feeling creative, okay?

1. Does someone love you?

yes, of course

2. What color is your couch?

black, burgundy, greens, blues, yellows

3. Has anyone ever mistaken you for someone famous?

not that i know of

4. Are you named after a grandparent?

nope

5. Say you were given a drug test right now. Would you pass or fail?

i'd pass

6. Are you taller than 5'6"?

a smidge

7. When was the last time you were disappointed?

haha. funny.

8. Ever seen a dead body?

yes, viewed an autopsy in college, went to the bodies exhibit in seattle and when i said goodbye to my grandpa tony - all good experiences

9. Who was the last person to send you a text message?

b, last night

10. What did you do yesterday?

hung around with sick kids, tried (rather unsucessfully) to take a nap

11. What’s the first thing you would do with five million dollars?

support myself and tell r to piss off, then fund cacao

12. What nationalit(ies) are you?

sicilian, italian (yes, there is a difference), irish

13. Any upcoming concerts you want to attend?

jose gonzalez in sf next monday

14. Who’s the last person that you felt was stalking you?

hehe

15. What’s your zodiac sign?

aquarius

16. Where do you spend most of your money?

keeping my kids and self fed, clothed and sheltered

17. On what do you spend most of your energy

staying afloat in the midst of this divorce crap, caring for my kids, cacao

18. Is there a secret you've never told any of your friends?

no

19. What are you doing in 2008?

anything i want

20. What’s your favorite Disney movie?

eh...

21. Have you cried today?

no!

23. What is your ringtone?

melody 2 and melody 7 depending on who is calling ;o)

24. What is the wallpaper on your mobile phone?

miss p & 'renzo

let me be the first

let me be the first to welcome october, one month further from the bad thing, one month closer to the multitude of good things that are rushing my (our) way. i'm celebrating with eggs and tea. cheers!