the scamp

*i still intend to finish the incarnation post...i'm sure you're all on pins and needles waiting to hear the details of my MANY and SORDID love affairs.

i remember, despite my knowledge of the 'inappropriate relationship' bk had with the woman while i was pregnant with 'renzo, being absolutely certain that an affair was not to blame, even in part, for him leaving. it was coke. it was bi-polar disorder. it was porphyria. it was NOT another woman. (why didn't i just listen to my dad?)

he left on november 26th. i found out about the san francisco dinner on january 5th. less than six weeks after he left (far less i suspect) he was having overnights with another woman; he was done wearing his wedding ring. i was totally blindsided by this. and hurt. and ashamed. and in total denial.... i really tried to believe that that wasn't the worst possible thing a relationship could face. shit, i offered to let him take a year to date and then decide about our marriage. i was praying for a miracle and i thought that meant him coming back to me. the miracle is that i decided that i deserve someone who chooses to be faithful to me, and my family.

that's all fine and good right? except, they're still together. and i've built miss bk up to be this HUGE and terrifying creature. i keep trying to rationalize that she must be terribly threatened by me (i'm a few years older; i am eternally tied to her man because of our children; she doesn't have kids and mine overwhelm her, i know bk's family, his past...). a snake is more afraid of you than you are of it or something like that. except, because i've only met her once (kinda) and it was before he left i think of her as this perfectly coiffed blond princess, someone worth leaving for. and the more time that passes the more my imagination gets the best of me.

i want desperately to be the bigger person. i want to insist on meeting her, to reach my hand out and shake hers, introducing myself - as the wife of the man you're fucking. you owe me $10,000 for therapy for my daughter, the one you find so overwhelming? do you think he won't bore of you too? won't tell you you're a shitty person AND bad in bed, when he's moved on to the next best thing? how do you sleep at night knowing you were part and party to the end of a marriage, the breakup of a family? you should have thought of this before you took your pants off! - to smile warmly at her and be friendly at future extra-curriculars. you see my dilemma. what if i spew this venom all over her? what if i pull her extensions out of her head, kick her in the shins? this has the potential for so much ugliness.

on the flip side, d2 had his last soccer game this afternoon, followed by an end of season party at the local pizza joint. it was me and d and a, the three of us (plus the three kids of course). friendly and chatty and there, for d2. miss p on a's lap. the whole deal. and it is SO much easier that way. *le sigh*

walking on the moon

Some may say I'm wishing my days away, no way And if its the price I pay, some say Tomorrow's another day, you stay I may as well play

to note

bk picked the kids up att 6. p struggled with leaving. i sent tuna fish to be sure they got some protien (it was macaroni in front of spongebob again last time) and he dropped them off at 8.20 with no explaination as to why he was 40 minutes early. oh, and he's going to be out of town father's day weekend.

dear america, bend over. love, the people in charge

same gas station, 5 days later...

FUCK!

well, nevermind. the mail came today and there has been a new hearing date set for july 11. so...here goes another six weeks with no money. the upside of course is that now my lawyer is also asking for a ruling on spousal support and i won't have to miss parker's last day of school. i'm so happy for that. *le sigh, le sigh, le sigh*

court: tuesday

FINALLY...next tuesday is our hearing to determine child support in front of the family court judge. spam the hell out of me with prayers and positive thoughts please.

the incarnation, part two: i wasn't done yet

let me clear a couple of things up right from the outset. i know that i'm young but i'm no fool and whatever i lack in relationship experience (i wasn't done with the last post yet...) i make up for in my ability to reflect on things, and seek therapy when warranted. ;) my intentions/plans with d aren't up for discussion. i've done the hard work of a long-term relationship brfore. shit, i'm still doing the hard work of a long-term relationship. i've worked through issues with partners before and i'm confident in my ability to do so again. i'm pleased to tell you that the relationship i'm in with d possesses none of the co-dependant or unbalanced qualities that my relationship with r had (for which we were both to blame). i'm giving this my best go and truly believe that d is too. i don't expect this man to save me from anything; i love my kids/self and know (from experience) that i can survive/thrive emotionally on my own. that said, d acts on his old-fashioned values, despite his liberal social/political stance, and in that way we are very compatible. i'm not naive enough to believe that love is enough but i'm also not so arrogant as to walk away from a good thing when it's kissing me on the lips. that's all i have to say about that, for now at least.

back to my regularly scheduled post a bit later...

the incarnation

this is going to be all over the place because so many things were brought up in the last few days. bear with me. *le sigh*

1) last night in bed, d and i were talking about his last relationship, the how and why things ended with her. i realized that i was asking a ton of questions and maybe seeming a little pry-y jealous-ish. (i doubt if d noticed, but i'm hyper aware of how i come across (jealous? bossy? controlling? unfeminine?) residual shit from those terrible six months of therapy with bk, i'd assume.) anyway, as it turns out i probably was a little pry-y, not because i'm jealous, but because i've apparently been living under a flippin' rock for the last 13 years. i don't know what a normal breakup looks like. i've never dated someone, come to the mutual agreement that things aren't working, and gone my own way. i've had this idea in my head that ALL breakups are shocking and devastating and traumatic events, not sometimes a silent acknowledgement that two people are better off apart.

r and i met right before we turned 14; he left me for another woman right before we turned 25. it's safe to say that he pretty much cornered the market on my early dating years. okay, so i justin d's hand on the way to the water fountain once in second grade; he was the first boy i was really aware of i think. and yes, i fell fully in love with matt s. when he transferred to my school from thousand oaks in 5th grade; he taught me how to swear and how to fill a diary (or two) with things like this: 02.14.1994 dear diary, a few weeks ago i told amanda who i like. she told me too, she likes yale (gingerale) and i like matt (smithsonian). i like matt. p.s. matt likes me! i carried that torch for a looong while. sure, i madly made out with will s. for the entire summer before 8th grade in my cousin's room; the boy gave me stubble burn and wrote me the loveliest gooshiest sophomore-in-high-school-from-a-very-small-town (holla to port townsend, wa) -letters. i still have those letters in a floppy yellow binder, though thankfully the make-out face went away pretty quickly. and then, i met r. things went along rather swimmingly (though i found all my old diaries and there were...insecurities? signs?)

charlie, not adolf

the joys of snot and sand. no, i did not do this to him on purpose.

damned if i do, damned if i don't

there are so many things from the last post/comments section that i feel need to be addressed (and trust me, i will address them). in some ways i feel i've been put in a position of defending my choices, my ability to parent my kids, and be a good judge of character and myself. i'm well aware that this likely comes from my own insecurities...superdad notwithstanding. ;) sorry if my life has left anyone empty. i feel quite full up on this overcast memorial day.

a real post to follow.

the one with the way high gas prices or why did no one tell my to eat the kids when they were small enough to bbq?

haha! remember way back in september of 2005 when i took a picture of the shell station sign and was all outraged that gas was THREE DOLLARS AND FIVE CENTS A GALLON. *belly chuckle* boy, those were the days huh? good ole 2005. never say never people. i suspect we'll be paying upwards of $4.50 a gallon around these parts come summer time. wasn't gas $3.99/gallon less than two weeks ago? and hey, what are they mixing in with this crap they're selling us? my gas mileage (and everyone else's who i've talked to) has taken a nose dive despite regular tune ups. *scratches head*

bk took the kids to a co-worker's child's birthday party from 11.30 to 3.00 today(schedule says 11.00 to 4.00).

last night i dreamt that d broke up with me. i remember feeling completely devastated (shock) and wanting desperately to cry, but being unable to. how can this happen to me twice? and before anyone tells me to listen to my gut (or worse, my dreams) let me just admit, i've been stuffing this stuff way down deep for some time now. this is classic psychology (i knew my degree would pay off some day) and has a lot more to do with me than the whos and hows of my current relationship. i cannot possibly convey how little regard i gave this sort of fear seven months ago. la la la - i can't hear you! (A change like that is just so hard to do, don't let it whip-crack your life. And I'll bow out from the fight - Those old pious sisters were right - the worst part is over, now get back on that horse and ride.) you cannot possibly imagine how big the dream house has gotten, with a room devoted to music with the finest ribbon speakers, a full dark room for my photography so i can go back to film. yes honey, he'd still be your daddy, nothing can change that. i didn't used to be the type of person to do things without lots and lots of thought. have i become the negative of my former self? did something intrinsic in me change or are my circumstances just so dramatically different?

please read the comments section, i know a lot of you don't venture in there. thanks anon for sharing your opinions/experiences; i'll speak to them in my post later today. (fwiw, i'm interested to hear other responses to this because i know they'll be varied!)

smoke gets in your eyes

the smoke was so bad this morning it actually woke me from a deep sleep. the wind changed directions and is blowing everything into santa clara valley, in other words, towards us. supposedly the fire itself it 20% contained but the evacuation orders are still in effect and now their are health advisory due to air quality. *blech* the kids and i are staying inside until things clear up. i can't believe all the shmos out running on the creek trail today...

the one with all the soft foods and the wicked cool hair coat and the smoke

so i expected (based on all the wisdom teeth weenies in my life ;) ) that this was going to be a lot worse. no swelling, very minimal discomfort (i've only had to take ibuprofin, none of the vicodin they gave me), mostly just sleepy. i'm trying to take it kind of easy on what i'm eating (i made the mistake of having some nice crunchy sourdough toast this morning *like, no duh*) but i'm getting pretty sick of scrambled eggs, soft cereal and ice cream. i'm NOT getting sick of yogurtland (thanks emmy!). that's right, a SELF-SERVE frozen yogurt bar with a dozen plus flavors, a fruit bar and, a candy/cereal/yummy stuff bar. all for 30 cents an ounce. check it out if you live in california or greenwich village, ny.

has anyone else seen fur: an imaginary portrait of diane arbus? it is a haunting and beautifully filmed and acted movie, starring robert downey junior and nicole kidman. for the record, i love rdj and think he is awesome in this movie. it's a worthwhile watch, just don't say i didn't warn you that it is sad and strange. (fyi diane arbus was 'an American photographer, noted for her portraits of people on the fringes of society, such as transvestites, dwarfs, giants, prostitutes, and ordinary citizens in unconventional poses and settings').

please say a little prayer or think some positive thoughts for my outlaws (and everyone else) who are near the fire in the santa cruz mountains. thankfully, when i talked to xmil she said the wind is going the other direction.

oh yeah? well i have two teeth in my purse!

i had emergency surgery this afternoon to remove my upper wisdom teeth. *holla* the just gave me novocaine and nitrous. it took ten minutes and didn't hurt a bit. ask me how i'm feeling tomorrow when all these meds have worn off.

anyone want to buy my teeth for $350 each? does $700 seem a little outrageous to anyone else? i mean for the surgery not these lovely teeth that you SO want to own...

the way we were or that's me with pink hair or 'we will become sillhouettes'

that's austin, amanda, me and r (he wasn't bk yet) before a spring dance our junior year of high school. i had been diagnosed with hodgkin's lymphoma almost exactly six months earlier and was in the middle of chemo and radiation. my hair was mostly gone (it was sprayed pink for the occasion), i weighed 95 pounds, and i had a dual-lumen hickman catheter in my chest (if you enlarge the picture you can see the line and tape sticking out of my dress on my right side). i was cancer.

i remember sometime in the midst or after my treatment ended, in my 1983 bmw (with forrest maybe? or alone?) on n. santa cruz boulevard at blossom hill (you know by the 7-11 that goes up the street to matt s's parent's house? i still think that when i drive by, running into him there on the opposite corner in 8th grade when we'd moved back from texas. *le sigh*) thinking: holy fuck, i have cancer. i was totally overwhelmed with emotion (i probably touched the scar on my neck where my tumor had been, felt i was in love with the wrong person or two people at once if that was possible (and somehow it was), that i was liked only because i was dying and staying where i was because i was too afraid to go east like i had planned) and listening to dave matthews really really loud (which always makes things feel even more messed up than they are If I leave now I might get away This weighs on me As heavy as stone and as blue as I go I was just wondering if you'd come along To hold up my head when my head won't hold on), and i remember how the leather steering wheel had really prominent stitching around the back. time was instantly marked as before cancer and after. it's still marked that way.

(this should be more cathartic than it is.) i married him. he said after he left that he knew that he didn't want to marry me. he said a million tiny (huge) things that marked time as before he left and after he left. and the morning after he did leave i remember waking up feeling that same out of body-ness and the only grounding things were 'renzo's tiny mouth nursing and the way parker's hair smelled. the lumpiness of oatmeal, the betrayal of my psychiatrist as she interrupted me to say 'you need to be quiet and let HIM talk for once' though she'd never met him until that morning. (i thought later that it was poetic that she said there were only three valid reasons to end a marriage. the rule of 'a' i guess: addiction, adultery, abuse. well, two outta three ain't bad. right? right?

the difference i suppose is that with cancer i never really blamed myself. there was never any questioning 'why?' for me. it just was. this is who i was before everything changed. and this is who i am now. and these are the tattoos (the tiny bluish dots (requiring chains, a cold slab of metal, and 25 medical students) on my chest to line up the cross hatches for radiation, the caduceus (done on my mom's dining room table by a bi-polar friend from her hospital stay), the yin-yang over the tumor in my chest that i believed would somehow balance and protect me) that prove i survived. that prove that i was changed by this. but what are the tattoos that will mark this experience? (i had the urge a couple of weeks ago to get a full sleeve, another caduceus with bright green snakes wrapping around my arm, fire licking my shoulder and neck and turquoise wings spreading across both breasts and my entire back. but for what? to say again that i survived something almost ten years ago?) what can appropriately identify my body as having survived the death of someone that i loved dearly for more than a decade, a shadow person who may have been more of symptom of who i was and was not, rather than a person in his own right? what can say that this was both not my fault at all and my fault entirely? what can express the aching devastation that feels more like an echo now?

(But I learned fast how to keep my head up 'cause I know there is this side of me that wants to grab the yoke from the pilot and just fly the whole mess into the sea.) how do you not become your experiences? how do you find yourself in love again with someone much like yourself, with someone who sleeps facing the closet because he's lovely in his insecurities? because he's been marked too (but not tattooed) by experience and hurt and loss and love. or at least i imagine that to be the case. (why am i not damaged goods to this man?) and why are we blurry faced and dressed up? was i drunk? the host said he was wearing a tux, but didn't! why is the background in focus? why did steve jobs not come to that party?! i believe that there will be a time when i'm whole enough to kick him in the nuts (because that's the meanest thing i can think of right now) and know that he will not transform into that person he always was. and leave. i believe that there will be more evenings when b cooks us ravioli with homemade goat cheese sauce and then plays on the floor with thomas the train (and the kids), where d will try to beat mario (interneted up to the best cheat site) because d2 will think 'that rocks' when he sees him next, where i swish and spit gin because i have a toothache and indulge my navel gazing ways. i believe i have been here before but with different people; i'm happy.

to note

the kids were dropped off on friday night at 8.30 (half hour early) without explaination. b saw him at left bank shortly afterwards drinking at the bar with a friend. i had finally decided that he was never going to buy the kids clothes. i bought the clothes myself and asked him to throw in $20. he said he didn't have it. which is a bit confusing since i'm sure he dropped at least $40 on drinks later that same day.

tonight he brought them home a bit late. 'renzo didn't have a diaper on. second time. he fed them macaroni and cheese and bell peppers. *le scratches head*

thanks summer, anon, julia, kim & vannie ;D

+ Keep your junk in your shorts
+ Stop pinching your penis

+ if you want to do that, you need to do it in the bathroom. With the door closed.
+ stop trying to vacuum the cat.
+ do not, under any circumstances, color on your brother with that Sharpie.

+ please don't sit on mommy's head

+ We do not put toys in our sister's pants.
+ do not play with your brother's penis.
+ You can't pop your testicles out of your scrotum.
+ On a blow dryer I just got - do not use when sleeping.

+ Mommy's nipple is not a handle.
+ The baby doesn't like dinosaur kisses.

+ no, i don't want to taste your sucked on gummy bear.
+ get your feet off the ceiling. that's a very hard place to clean.

+ Take the iguana out of your mouth or you will lose iguana privilege.


see this post if you don't get it. (the pictures are unrelated.)

10,001 things that should go without saying & the one where anita tells me 'life is so much easier when you're in love'

so you know how there are a million things that you find yourself saying to your kids that you never thought you'd have to say (see below for a sample of things that were heard in this house today)? what's worse, the ridiculous things you have to say to adults... and stupid signs? and stupid laws? i'm compiling a list. help me. maybe we can publish a book. send me direct quotes, photos, anything you want and i'll publish them here.


+ don't pee off the deck into the garden!
+ don't pinch my armpit fat.
+ you aren't suppossed to pee on the couch! you know better!
+ no punching in the nuts!


the sign is from the grade school where d2 plays soccer. like, no duh, no ROCKETS at school. no golf practice? who ARE these people?

r.i.p. peace

my mom made the very difficult and brave decision to have her sweet little p.c. (pretty cat or peace) euthanized this afternoon. she was diagnosed with feline lymphoma a few weeks ago and her quality of life had been rapidly declining since she started treatment. her cancer was incurable and she had dropped to under four pounds. the vet was very kind and encouraged us (mom, the kids, and me) to be with p.c. while she passed, if we so desired. mom got to comfort her and parker did the sweetest job comforting my mom. (she's such an empathetic little girl and says that when people/animals die 'they get to do all the things they loved, just without their bodies.' her own philosophy...) i wound up taking 'renzo out of the room 'cause he was so squirmy and loud. anyway, we'll miss her, she was a good little kitty. she liked to fetch and to eat my mom's yarn and blankets and bananas. ;) she let mom and the kids feed her some ham right before we left to take her to the vet. we all got to pet her and say goodbye. may everyone's passing be so dignified and filled with love. sorry this is so disjointy and scattered (and now redundant).

you did the right thing mom. love you.

you know...'haha' funny

jd, lawyer at large, got d and i (and a few other people) tickets to see aries spears perform at the san jose improv. i'd never been to a stand up show and this kicked butt. i haven't laughed for two hours straight in a loooong time. :D

jd also told me that he'd read a couple positive reviews of our truffles (being sold at a moroccan restaurant). i looked 'em up and sure enough! pretty pretty pretty good. i'll post them later when i'm at my computer.

positive thoughts for my mom as she makes a difficult decision about her 15 year old siamese who has lymphoma...

bk took the kids yesterday while we went out. today he came at about 5.45 and took the kids until 8.30.

he's bringing diapers back

nothing cuter than a two year old boy (in his sister's purple tie-dye tank top) rockin' his white self to sexyback. i'm just saying is all...

the one where i realize a bunch of things, again or 'come down off your throne & leave your body alone'

1) bk has missed 4 consecutive visits (he says due to illness and that may be true): last monday, last thursday, last friday, and this monday. he hasn't talked to the kids in more than a week. i talked with him for a while last friday. i asked him (again) about getting some summer clothes for the kids (since i originally asked him about 5 weeks ago and he keeps putting it off). me: did your lawyer tell you not to buy the kids clothes or something? him: 'no. i just haven't had any money. i actually had to take an advance on my paycheck for june. things have been really tight around here. we need groceries. things have been really awful.' me: (you cannot even begin to imagine...) okaaay. well, i signed parker up for two weeks of summer camp through her preschool. she had a very hard time adjusting to school in september and i don't want her to go the entire summer and then have to adjust all over again. i'd like to sign her up for more weeks and i need your help paying, they'll let you pay with credit card. him: i'd like to but i don't have any money and no credit left. me: i've paid for an entire year of preschool, including registration, by myself. i don't have any money either. him: 'listen, i know you've heard this before but things should really be a lot better in a month or two.' me: yeah, i have heard that before. are you sure your lawyer didn't tell you something? i know we're going to court soon... him: 'no, she didn't say not to help you. she told me not to give you any child support until after they've determined how much i owe you.' me: (oh for the love of god...) nevermind.

2) d and i watched mel gibson's apocalypto last night. while i can't say that i enjoyed it exactly, it certainly kept my rapt attention (though d and i are both the type to talk through a whole movie, on topic, if we're feeling chatty, and he's rarely not chatty... ;) ). the opening scenes would be terribly disturbing to almost any mother i'd be willing to bet and it's certainly very bloody throughout. i kept thinking this actually happened...this is still happening all over the world. anyway....

3) the kids are crazy, er, crazy cool. 'renzo is suddenly very obsessed with dress up. being that he's a second child, he's specifically obsessed with princess-y dress up stuff that his sister loves. he spent most of the morning in a fuchsia flapper dress, dancing and prancing around saying 'song? song? song?' and ''rella? 'rella?' so i'd turn on the music and he could prance around like cinderella at her ball. ;) he's talking up a blue streak too, getting half a dozen new words a day. parker is learning to write. i picked up her latest art project at preschool yesterday and on the back was her name, written almost perfectly. *jaw dropped* i think she's getting ready to read too.

4) i went to the cheapie gas station (rotton robbie) this afternoon and filled up. the cheapest gas was $3.99 a gallon. up $0.05 per gallon since yesterday. it cost me $65 to fill up the wrangler. thankfully we hardly drive at all... how much is gas where you live?

5) it's HOT here. it got up to 91 degrees today and it is supposed to be 102 tomorrow. one hundred & TWO, people. i refuse to use the air conditioner before june! what's the weather like where you live?

6)

sorry for the delay!

the last round of chocolate orders/donations allowed b and i to file our fictictious business name and publish it in the paper. :) thanks for the support! this round should afford us our business license. *w00t*
THANKS GUYS!!!

fast car

uh, can someone explain this?

i did my free annual credit check last night and bk's current address (the place he shares with miss bk and her brother) came up on my list of former addresses. is there any reason at all that his high end apartment complex would run a credit check on ME? not just cause we're married right? i mean...they wouldn't need to know that. does this mean that if they don't pay their rent my credit is at risk? what should i do? report it to one of the credit agencies? contact the apartment complex? i can't believe this. or worse yet, i can.

ah yes, the traditional mother's day altercation

so after d cooked me a really nice breakfast i decided i had better take care of my own moms. i took a bunch of pictures of the kids and d, p, 'renzo and i went to kinko's to print them. i went to the machine (was confused briefly) and then started to pick/print about 5 bajillion pictures. d wrangled the kids. they were happy and giggling and squealing and being generally good natured. there was only one other customer in the whole store, a frumpy 60ish woman working at the paper cutter.

lady: wow, some people are trying to work here. those kids are being TOO loud. you need to take them outside. they shouldn't be in here!
*d & i look at each other*
d: uh, i'm pretty sure this is a public place...
lady: they're being rude! teach them some respect. i feel sorry for their teachers.
*d scowls at her, turns to the kids and walks them to the door*
d: that old lady says we need to go outside guys! come on...
*they go outside and i stay to finish the printing*
lady, muttering loudly, sarcastically: oh, mean old lady asking the kids to behave! mean old lady would never allow kids like that in her classroom! (and on and on until my head is ready to explode.) i feel sorry for anyone who has to deal with those little...
me: excuse me, those are my kids you're talking about.
lady: well, you need to teach your kids to behave. i'm a teacher and i'd hate to have them in my classroom!
me: you cannot even begin to imagine how insulting that is. it's mother's day. please don't speak that way about my children.
lady: well that man shouldn't have said that.
me: that man is my husband (easier than explaining m'kay?) don't insult -
lady: then you need to talk to his mother about how she parented him.
me: it's mother's day. please.
lady: blah blah blah *under her breath...*
me: nevermind...

let me emphasize that the kids were acting totally appropriately for a four year old and not quite two year old. a couple of years ago i wouldn't have engaged in something like this. i would have let her talk that way about my family and then stewed about it for days. loudly and to everyone i know ;) ...but i wouldn't have said anything.

namaste you nasty old woman!

it's a crime how beautiful california is in may

hangin' in the chicken coop

sorry for the lack of updatey-ness yesterday. kids haven't seen bk since last monday and i only got a break because my mom was kind enough to watch 'em last night. bbl with a real post.

letters, we get letters, stacks & stacks of letters

i got bk's response to the dcss complaint in the mail and his income and expense declaration. most of it was just not true (the time spent with the kids, income (his and mine), his employment...everything. i'm sure his lawyer wrote it all up and i'm wondering now if he lied to her or if he really believes he has the kids 21% (!!!) of the time. luckily, i have everything written down... *le sigh* are we there yet?

eta: cancelled monday and today...didn't see the kids, he might take them tomorrow.

odious options

i had a doctor's appointment this morning. it involved getting blood drawn. getting blood drawn involved a man born on november 4, 1928 who described himself as 'one of those people who always has an umbrella over his head, even when things are going well' (yes, his 75 pound brother fell out of bed several times while he was dying of cancer; yes, his wife has osteoporosis and she is waiting in the car; yes, he's being audited by the irs for the third time; no, he doesn't work for the railroad, never has, and he isn't nine m'kay?) and a very lovely looking indian phlebotomist who was apparently a pathological liar and therefore mistrusting and therefore he didn't believe me when i said he needed to use a butterfly needle on me and that i am VERY allergic to tape/bandaids and pleasefortheloveofgod, i don't want one on my arm, even if it has daffy duck on it. i had recently a giant cup of coffee and no breakfast (ergo a very fast heartbeat at my appointment), i was down a vial of blood and had only an itchy arm to show for it... needless to say, my morning got off to a rough start. and then, driving home, i unfortunately passed out from blood loss and while out cold, i reimagined myself in a terrible alternate universe where women sing irritating and catchy tunes about buying the men they love rogaine.

have i mentioned that there is very little new music on mainstream radio that is worth listening to in my opinion? no? well, let me mention it now. not once, but twice today, i heard ingrid michaelson go on about how her guy takes her the way she is. and yet, in wonderful lowbrow rhyme-style she plans to 'buy [him] rogaine if [he] start[s] losing all [his] hair. /sew on patches to all [he] tear[s].' what!? she cannot accept him the way he is? come on ingrid the song is called 'the way i am.' she does promise to find him a match if he needs a light, but boy, this girl has herself some major double standards!

y'all, put your smelling salts away, i'm about to knock myself unconscious, intentionally.

because my head is squiggly & my cousin is cool

one word answers
1. where is your cell phone? pocket
2. your significant other? oy
3. your hair? shorter
4. your mother? hungry
5. your father? cooking
6. your favorite thing? ocean-y
7. your dream last night? disturbing
8. your favorite drink? chai
9. your dream/goal? balance
10. the room you are in? catlitter-y
11. your hobby? blog
12. your fear? eternity
13. where do you want to be in 6 years? satieted
14. where were you last night? home
15. what you're not? full
16. muffins? costco
17. one of your wish list items? time
18. where you grew up? califor.ni.a.
19. the last thing you did? peed
20. what are you wearing? green
21. your TV? 90210
22. your pets? chubby
23. your computer? dying
24. your life? chaotic
25. your mood? exhausted
26. missing someone? yup
27. your car? topless
28. something you're not wearing? stilletos
29. favorite store? target
30. your summer? indian
31. like someone? duh
32. your favorite color? turquoise
33. when is the last time you laughed? yesterday
34. last time you cried? today

'What makes bitter things sweet? Hunger.'

so in solidarity with my mom, i've begun a 2-3 day fast. she's forced to do it for medical reasons(detailed later with her approval), i'm doing it...well, i don't know why really. so far, so good- but then, nearly anyone can go 16 hours without food. ;D i am of course staying SUPER hydrated too.
oh, does anyone have chickenpox or know where we can get it?

i'll post the chocolate we have for sale in a bit. it's all wrapped and ready to be shipped!

bk cancelled last night. said he has a cold. *shrug*

'i will buy you a new life, yes i will' or the one where i tell you about the dream house & out myself as an everclear fan & that's LA to me babe

it has five bedrooms: one for d & me, one for d2, one for miss p, one for 'renzo, one big 'un for all our guest-y types.

it has a library to house all my books, with floor to ceiling bookshelves and one of those rolly ladders to reach the ones near the top of the 15 foot ceiling.

it has a built-in, full-size air hockey table where i can kick anyone's butt on a daily basis.

it has a stonefruit orchard with peaches, nectarines, apricots, plums, mangoes, and olives. best of all, it has four avocado trees...that produce avocados.

it has a nice view of the ocean. it's warm and there's a fantastic surf spot down some stairs in the cliff. it's warm, except for the days that i feel like rain.

it's near my family and all the places i love.

it's being manifested as we speak and i'm continuing to add to it... ;D

edited to add separate quarters with house the chocolate factory, er well, at least a health department approved second kitchen.

the planets aligned

so as for the phone call, it will remain a mystery. i don't have caller id. the police didn't know what i was talking about. bk was seemingly puzzled. my guess is that it wasn't a cop and that it was a creditor of some sort. i think he owes someone money.

d2 scored his first goal at his soccer game this morning. unfortunately it was an early game and i had to wait here at the house with the kids to meet bk. so we missed it. boo, but yay for d2. he was very non-chalant about it!

the kids went with bk from 11-3 and d2 saw his mama from 11.30-4, so d and i headed over to the beach. i took the top off the wrangler and felt like we were getting away with something. it was a really beautiful day and austin happened to be down guarding from san francisco so we saw him briefly too.

last night we had a fantastic dinner with forrest and heather and their two beautiful babies. forrest made us fondue and steaks at our place and the kids had a nice time together. miss p wouldn't go with bk (although it was his evening) but 'renzo went for a little bit.

i think we'll go to the farmer's market tomorrow morning.

*le sigh* i like this life, at least parts of it... ;)

the 911

someone claiming to be from the local police department just called looking for bk. they hung up before d got any info.

'my advice: stay low to the ground...'

and my advice is:

start building your family tree on the geni website. d's family did it and my mom's family too. dear god, i hope we aren't related 'cause this website will sure figure it out if we don't. i've started to add my dad's side of the family and then i'll email it to everyone (that i'm related to) so that we can really get building. it's so user friendly.

start reading jeffery eugenides's (<- look it up in the newest mla handbook (3.2.8.e) ALL proper nouns, even those ending in 's' get an apostophe and an 's', m'kay?) book, middlesex. i'm not even 50 pages into it and i'm flippin' hooked. "I was born twice: first, as a baby girl, on a remarkably smogless Detroit day in January of 1960; and then again, as a teenage boy, in an emergency room near Petoskey, Michigan, in August of 1974."

start eating at dia de pesca if you're anywhere near san jose california. don't be fooled by the unpretentious location, this is the best mexican seafood around (try the fresh, real crab chimichanga, the salmon taco, or the prawn quesadilla. yum, or dare i say, yum-o.) there's a line a lunchtime.