best holiday card given to me award goes to...

lovely! thanks b, i'm lovin' on the whole mina lee line!

touche

called him around noon to see when he's going to come for the kids. just now texted me at 5.10 to tell me he's getting them at noon. i think i'm going to tell him that i'm only willing to communicate via email from now on.

THE STONE: I've this creeping Suspicion that things are not as they seem Reassure me Why do I feel as if I'm in too deep I've been praying For some way to show them I'm not what they see Yes I have done wrong But what I did I thought needed be done I swear Unholy day If I leave now I might get away This weighs on me As heavy as stone and as blue as I go I was just wondering if you'd come along To hold up my head when my head won't hold on I'll do the same if the same's what you want If not I'll go I will go alone I'm a long way From that fool's mistake and now forever pay No, run I will run and I'll be ok I was just wondering if you'd come along To hold up my head when my head won't hold on I'll do the same if the same's what you want If not I'll go I will go alone I need so To stay in your arms see you smile hold you close And it weighs on me As heavy as stone and a bone chilling cold I was just wondering if you'd come along Tell me you will

the shit has hit

bk called at 7.45 and lit into me about the dcss thing. apparently his employer pulled him aside today and told him that they had been contacted about garnishing his wages because he hasn't been paying his child support. he says he was "humiliated at work." this caught me completely off guard. our case was opened at the end of november and i received a letter stating such last week. i asked him if he had gotten his letter then and he said no. i'm confused because i was told by dcss that they'd be collecting some info from both of us and then proceeding, not immediately going to his employer. i thought that this would show him i mean business so that we can get back to mediation or something...

i'm so mad at myself because i completely lost my cool and started apologizing all over the place and then screaming that "you're embarrassed? this whole thing has been embarrassing for me! how f*&$ing embarrassing that you left me for another woman! how embarrassing that my parents/grandparents are supporting me." i screamed like a mad woman while d tried to shove the kids into the other room. i've had all this bottled up for months and it was like i was momentarily possessed. and then i heard myself telling him i'm sorry that he was humiliated. i can't believe i acted the way i did. he kept saying that his debt is so much greater than mine and that the kids are being taken care of. NO THANKS TO HIM.

and now, i'm scared again. scared that he's so pissed and that i have to hand the kids off to him on sunday (presumably just for a few hours). irrationally scared that he'll retaliate by trying to take the kids. if he wanted that he would have been here for christmas right? i mean right?

metamorphosis

i've decided to have my wedding dress cut to knee length and dyed a different color so that i can wear it to a big party that i intend to throw for myself. ya know, 'cause i survived this shit with my pride (or something) intact. no one actually wears their mother's wedding dress anyway, especially from a marriage that ended in adultry and a nasty divorce. so what the hell am i saving it for? i'll set a date for the party and document everything with photos.

over yonder to the left <-- there'll be a poll so ya'll can help me decide what color it should be.

i'm selling everything!

Willow Tree "New Life" Collectible Figurine - With a BONUS! - $15

*Made of polyresin, sculpted and handpainted to look like aged, hand-carved wood. 5½" x 4½" x 5"

*Retails for $29 *Figurine number 26029, introduced in February, 2001

*Designed by Susan Lordi for the Demdaco Willow Tree Family Figurine Collection. "Emotions and feelings are left to the viewer to discern," says Susan, "which makes them very personal."

*Personally, all this lovely figurine reminds me of is the fact that my husband cheated on me and left me with an incredibly active toddler and an incredibly tiny baby to raise on my own. No such poses were ever enacted in this (much happier) home. Alas, I want this collectible to find its rightful place in a home with the "glowing love and excitement that a young couple shares, while basking in the presence of their new baby." Seeing as how I can't get the last 11 years of my life back, I'll settle for $15!

*P.S. the kids and I are much better off without him!

craigslist, i love you (this is my ad)

Johnny Jump Up - With a BONUS! - $10

*Traditional OshKosh B'Gosh blue and white railroad pattern

*Retails for $25 *Smoke-free home

*Barely used...my daughter liked to spin in it until her eyes went googly.

*My lying-cheating-son-of-a-bitch husband left me with an 18 month old and a 4 year old and thinks he's too good to pay child support (incidentally, California law disagrees, but the wheels of justice are slow). Your purchase can help me stick it to this dirtbag! Plus your baby will love it. ;o)

don't you wish your stocking was hot like mine?

eton's self-powered water-resistant AM/FM radio with NOAA and TV-VHF


black and blum's miss moneypenny loose change bowl

blomus stainless steel bottle opener

'le thank god it is almost a new year'

there isn't much going on at the moment. we're having one of those lovely lulls wherein bk isn't around and therefore my life is easy because parker is emotionally stable. we had a nice relaxing christmas and since d & b were both out of town the kids and i will get to celebrate some more. as it turns out we're significantly more spoiled since bk left. hello (one of many many many) upsides!

i'm expecting that some excitement will be coming in january as things will be playing out with dcss. i'm too burnt on being FLAT ASS broke to really give a crap about the repercussions that i may be facing. ultimately he'll be facing the real consequences i guess. money is just the beginning.

in big kid news: miss p got a loft bed for christmas and spent her very first night ever alone in her own room. no tears, no nothing. she was clearly ready to transition outta the family bed. *sniffle* she'll be four in a few weeks.

festivus

christmas is mostly over and it still doesn't feel like the holidays to me. it's not that i'm not enjoying myself (cause i totally am) i just feel vaguely foggy or something.

and seriously...who doesn't call their kids until 4pm on christmas? dirtbags, that's who!

'poem' is another way of saying i'm too tired to write full sentences

christmas eve

we visit your parents & sister, cry
my way up the hill, hug your dad, recoil -
all of the pictures with me are gone
from that pretty little maple hall table

wonder if they saw me as just
an impotent appendage of you
more likely, you asked them to
take me down because you are -

you are impotent & a fool
to miss christmas with your children
we've gorged on crab and spinach
she's too busy to talk to you &

you passing along an 'i love you'
to her and not to him is really just
another way of saying 'fuck off'
so anyway, merry christmas!

the buzzkill chronicles

he's going out of town with miss bk for christmas and won't be seeing the kids. his parents must be so proud.

he wonders what they might want for christmas and makes sure i've already taken care of stockings. "so nothing for 'renzo then right?"

he's rude to d at o'fla's.

he claims to have not received the papers from dcss and then gets pissy about the whole thing. "is this something that you pursued?"

there. are. no. words.

poem on no sleep

four am, chocolate everywhere
hamlet papers still undone (for shame)
the days are blurring the kids are growing
i am freaking exhausted - oh snap!
b says the couch smells funny
i say you smell funny
mike says speaking of japanese porn
we all say that's what she said
chocolate is ribboned and velumed
he loves me and when we are happy
we both get fat and still it's never enough
no it's never enough austin is in love
and we all dream the same dream -
being unable to open our lockers or
not being able to remember what's in there
baskets in the car
hamlet was meant to be an heir -
not hair not hare
we make a blur of the freeways
you make a blur of me
d buys the apples that she requested
i make it to parker's performance on time
gigi & popo & grammie & papa & 'renzo & b
we make a sloppy family but we have our pride
if libido is a litmus test i've hated him for years
waking the earth it lifts and lags

i lied

i'm so freaking tired; it'll have to wait until the morning. *yawn*

did it

delivered the baskets. bbl later with pictures and bad ass stories.

and on sunday, they did NOT rest

b and mike and mom and i were up until 4.30 AM working on the corporate gift baskets. ohmygod i'm tired. but they look AWESOME. not pictured are the 30 pounds of sugared nuts; the 25 pounds of hand dipped apricots, ginger, mango, cranberries/raisins, pretzels, pineapple; the kona coffee and bailey's irish cream truffles and on and on and on... one of us had bad gas and we all had the giggles.

what? what!?

ack!

it's a family affair.

marshmellow.

'that's what she said' and other tasty and tasteless things

on saturday i managed to gather several of my oldest (and newest) friends together for a very very tacky holiday party. bad clothes (costumes people), bad food/booze, bad gifts, bad music. wow, was it ever tacky. par-tay.


john and meme consider one very ugly tree.


d and forrest consider some yummy beverages. will somebody tell me if they know of a country club where they serve country club malt liquor in 40oz. bottles?


nice bunny honey!


that was a HOT sweater...in 1983.


i traded my red hot toilet seat cover for a much coveted "ove-glove." w00t!


maria got the three surly men music box. those guys are disgruntled, yo.


d was the original owner of the orlando pillow. everybody (with ovaries) wanted it.


katie got him though...


another lovely gift. mom is cleary underwhelmed.


ah, something vaguely wholesome. (of course what you can't see is the mickey's on parker's dresser, but nonetheless.)


this looks important.

just a little complainy

when you put the kids to bed that typically includes brushing their teeth and taking them out of their jeans. okay? you know what, don't even bother, it isn't your job! and texting me from work to ask what size shoes our kids wear just makes you look like the uninvolved father that you are. i suspect your mother isn't fooled either.

and kids: there is a difference between "thrown" and "throne." and also between "air" and "heir." get it straight. your spell-check will not save you from ridiculous mistakes such as these. READ your papers before you turn them in.

cry me a river, tiny bk & cat in a pink wig

we got into it about money. i told him he needed to start being a stand up guy. "i am!" i told him he used to be but he isn't taking care of his kids and he's spending all his money on vacations and other bullshit like that. "i have almost $30k in debt." is this supposed to make me feel better or worse. how sad for you assface. i didn't really back down or anything even when he got a bit testy with me. what the hell do i have to lose right? on that note, the dcss papers came today! he should be getting his too. *gulp*

craaaaazy busy making chocolate gift baskets (i keep trying to remind us that this is a learning experience and not necessarily a big money making thing yet *ha!*) and grading hamlet papers. are kids dumber than they used to be or what?

more later.

this, as you can imagine, is a very big day for me

Merriam-Webster's Word of the Year 2007

Thousands of you took part in the search for Merriam-Webster's Word of the Year for 2007, and the vast majority of you chose a small word that packs a pretty big punch. The word you've selected hasn't found its way into a regular Merriam-Webster dictionary yet—but its inclusion in our online Open Dictionary, along with the top honors it's now been awarded—might just improve its chances. This year's winning word first became popular in competitive online gaming forums as part of what is known as l33t ("leet," or "elite") speak—an esoteric computer hacker language in which numbers and symbols are put together to look like letters. Although the double "o" in the word is usually represented by double zeroes, the exclamation is also known to be an acronym for "we owned the other team"—again stemming from the gaming community.

Merriam-Webster's #1 Word of the Year for 2007 based on votes from visitors to our Web site:

1. w00t (interjection)
expressing joy (it could be after a triumph, or for no reason at all); similar in use to the word "yay"

w00t! I won the contest!

stolen from amanda's blog cause i was there and it's funny and must be shared with more of the interwebs

nice afro-american man with a pot belly at thrift store: "lemme guess: you are sisters right? you girls are beautiful, it must be my birthday or something! i'm like an oreo!"

celeste: "an inside-out oreo..."

'renzo: [smiles]

amanda: [ponders oreo comment and trys not to make eye contact]

three letters

dear bk,

the two hundred dollars you gave me for this month is not going to cut it. unless you think i make $200 an hour grading (and for the record, i don't) you are insane and/or an insensitive jerk. working my ass off at two jobs and taking care of OUR children full time doesn't build character ... though it apparently builds resentment! and if you aren't going to give us money, the least you could do is call more than once every four days.

cordially,
me

ps: your letter from dcss should be arriving momentarily.

dear credit card company,

the $500 i put on you for medical bills plus the $500 i put on you for my property taxes (and the $100 for gas and the $250 for food and the $100 for p's school and the ...) is a reflection of something other than my superior ability to manage money (see above). i have juggled a very tight budget before and this isn't my fault. i'm sure you hear this all the time but really. i love you now but i will begin to hate you in january when my no interest period ends. i hope you understand that i'd like to break things off now before either one of us gets hurt.

sincerely,
me

dear santa,

can you kick my ex's ass? and also send the credit card fairy? i've been SO good this year.

love,
me

the "no real reason for it" post

Now somewhere in the black mountain hills of DakotaThere lived a young boy named Rocky RaccoonAnd one day his woman ran off with another guyHit young Rocky in the eye Rocky didn't like thatHe said I'm gonna get that boySo one day he walked into townBooked himself a room in the local saloonRocky Raccoon checked into his roomOnly to find Gideon's bibleRocky had come equipped with a gunTo shoot off the legs of his rivalHis rival it seems had broken his dreamsBy stealing the girl of his fancyHer name was Magil and she called herself LilBut everyone knew her as NancyNow she and her man who called himself DanWere in the next room at the hoe downRocky burst in and grinning a grinHe said Danny boy this is a showdownBut Daniel was hot, he drew first and shotAnd Rocky collapsed in the corner, ahD'da d'da d'da da da daD'da d'da d'da da da daD'da d'da d'da da d'da d'da d'da d'daDo do do do do doD'do d'do d'do do do doD'do d'do d'do do do doD'do d'do d'do do do d'do d'do d'do d'doDo do do do do doNow the doctor came in stinking of ginAnd proceeded to lie on the tableHe said Rocky you met your matchAnd Rocky said, doc it's only a scratchAnd I'll be better I'll be better doc as soon as I am ableAnd now Rocky Raccoon he fell back in his roomOnly to find Gideon's bibleGideon checked out and he left it no doubtTo help with good Rocky's revival, ahOh yeah, yeahD'do d'do d'do do do doD'do d'do d'do do do doD'do d'do d'do do do d'do d'do d'do d'doDo do do do do doD'do d'do d'do do do do, come on, Rocky boyD'do d'do d'do do do do, come on, Rocky boyD'do d'do d'do do do d'do d'do d'do d'doThe story of Rocky there

i'm tired and drank too much champagne and may have sand in my butt crack but here are some pictures of my weekend anyway

d and me (in an armani dress that doesn't belong to me and that probably cost more than my wedding dress which, as it turns out, may be a good thing right?) you should have seen how big my boobs were by the end of the night ('renzo wasn't there).

d and my nose-ish

p and d2. at the beach. in december.

did i mention it is december and that i love california?

don't fumble 'renzo. or do. 'cause he looks to be enjoying it. eh?

this is how i look with a hangover. at the beach. in december.

and this ____ is the imaginary picture i forgot to take of b and i making a whole bunch of goodies to show off at the law firm tomorrow. don't we look cute in our chef uniforms? or wait, if this is imaginary ... i make chocolate in a catwoman costume, 'cause that's. how. i. roll. and b wears, well, a catwoman costume as well of course! and yes, we're dead zexy (with a "z").

the post where you realize that everything is falling into place

i'm suddenly overwhelmed with 12+ class periods worth of grading. holy moly. i'm not sue i'll be able to take it all on.

yesterday while i was on the phone with d call waiting rang through and it was j (mr. just-passed-the-california-state-bar-exam j). "can you come down to the firm with some chocolate samples? so and so was about to order our corporate gifts from see's candy and i told her to wait and try yours." now? today? holy crap! lemme call b, but okay. i mean i think okay. he told me not to get all excited (and i did anyway) and get my hopes up (and i did anyway). i schlepped the kids down to the fancy shmancy law firm with the chocolate and i killed it. our first big job. ohmygod we have so much to do.

not quite as bad as childbirth

another busy day. i had my appointment to get my iud placed this morning and there was a touch of cramping but other than that i'm good to go. no birth control worries for 10 years. woo-hoo!

not quite what i expected

well. that went better than i expected. bk called me this morning to tell me that he's sorry he's been so unreliable about money. (sorry is as sorry does, babe.) he says he'll be giving me money on a regular basis now (we'll see). i asked him what prompted the call and he didn't really have an answer. i told him his timing is divine because i just recently filed with dcss. i tried to make him understand the gravity of the situation but also told him that (honestly) if we cooperate and finish our mediation and he starts paying me, things don't have to get nasty. it's not like i opened the case and they're immediately going to throw him in jail or something. it doesn't work like that (i wish it did). he just listened in (what i assume was stunned) silence the whole time. i kept asking him are you there? because i thought he'd hung up or something. and he kept saying, "i don't understand...what does this mean?" i answered honestly: i don't know yet, but i'll let you know when i find out. this takes it out of our hands and prevents money from eroding any hope of a relationship between us.

i'm sick of hearing him complain about his guilt and his debt and his sorrow and on and on. d saw him last night at the grocery store with a giant boquet of flowers...yeah, 'cause that's a valid reason to not feed your children.

sounds of silence

sorry for the lack of riveting (are they ever riveting?) posts lately. i'm in a state of indecision as to whether i should tell bk that i've filed with dcss. it's not that i think he deserves a heads up (it's not like he has ever prepared me for the bombs he's dropped) but rather that i don't want him to catch me off guard when he is served. i have no idea what kind of reaction to expect from him but i suspect he's going to flip and say, "i thought we were going to play nice. i don't know why you had to turn it nasty" or something along those lines. i'm debating about having my dad tell him or seeing if i can schedule (and more importantly, make him come to) an appointment with either bob or the mediator.

i think i'm sort of in denial about the whole thing. there's this fuzziness looking back at the last year, shit the last ten years, because i still cannot comprehend how exactly it is someone can change so dramatically, and why. i imagine in the end i'll know i've healed when i can just sit peacefully with the idea that i'll likely never know the reasons.

two trannies and a takedown

saturday

10.47 - bk calls and says he'll be over in 15 to get the kids. cool, maybe he got the message that he needs to call before coming over!

11.20 - bk arrives to get the kids and tells me he'll have them back at 3. apparently he didn't get the message that he should arrive on time and keep them as per our agreement (until 4 pm).

11.35 - pick up b for brunch. assure him that i would never take him to IHOP for breakfast and then take him somewhere with equally terrible ambiance but a really good dutch baby. hey i enjoyed my breakfast. and *waves* ran into my mom's cousin natalie and she awesomely picked up our tab. woot!

1.43 - drop b off, get home excited to have a bit of time to myself.

2.04 - bk calls to make sure i'm home, he's bringing the kids back. blah blah something about a parade and parking and needing to leave early or some crap. gah!!!

***bunch of nothingness***

5.30 - go grab a bite with mom and the kids. somehow ('renzo-tornado?) we all wind up with guacamole on us.

6.15 - i convince mom we need to go to target and it turns out to be a worthwhile excursion as we immediately encounter two awesomely bad trannies (5 o'clock shadow, yo!) and witnessed a young shoplifter being tackled by a six foot six black security guy in a suit (AWESOME). i TOLD you it would be awesome.

go ahead lose yourself inside this opportunity

i filed with dcss and only barfed in my mouth a little bit.