farewell

not you. 2008! lots to say but little to say today. i'm taking one more day off and i'll be back tomorrow. m'kay? anyway, happy new year's eve. be safe-ish.

the one where i create a totally useless monster

just home, reaquainting with d, remellowing the kids after too much christmas, and uploading lots of photos. back up tomorrow fo-sheezy.

merry merry

the kids were overjoyed at their gifts this morning and i was able to pass the kids off with no tears knowing they were going up to their grandparents' house to be further spoiled. it was sad to not have d and d2 with us but we'll celebrate at least two more times when they respectively return.

i spent the afternoon as planned at julian street inn, which is part of innvision. i was the only one not volunteering through an agency or group but i got to know a lot of other people while we picked the meat off of 20+ turkeys, cooked veggies, set tables, and served food. very cool experience and i plan to do it again on the holidays that the kids are with their dad.

Julian Street Inn is the only facility in Santa Clara County that provides emergency shelter to clients diagnosed with a mentally illness. 70 beds are available for men and women who have been diagnosed with a mental illness and are actively engaged in the mental health systems. Clients may stay for up to 60 days. During their stay, they participate in case management coordinated with their county mental health case manager. Individuals receive one-on-one counseling and support as well as participating in support groups. The groups are designed to help clients increase their coping skills, maintain sobriety, and develop resources to help them maintain independence.

christmas confessions: 12 days version

1. i love my car...to an unreasonable degree. it's a 2000 jeep wrangler sahara package (white with tan soft top and green interior) that my grandparents gave me when i graduated high school. it has a deer guard on the front, extra lights, and is a manual. it only has 43,000 miles on it despite it's having been to canada and back in the first year i had it. it's a car that demands to be driven. i feel like a silly teenager when i drive it and even though it is completely impractical for a family like ours, i don't see myself getting rid of it. ever.
2. i have hatch marks on the top of each foot that i refer to as my crucifixion scars. when i was being staged for hodgkin's i had a lymphangiogram. the incisions left little crosses on my feet and the dye, my whole body radioactive. i love the scars.
3. i'm ashamed that i have no musical talent whatsoever. i feel like i've let my dad down in that regard.
4. i'm completely vain about my small waist. i'm not particularly proud of any other part of my body and it's through genetics only that i've been blessed with a nice waist to hip ratio. i don't really remember being worried about stretch marks or saggy breasts or anything else before or after my pregnancies but dear god, please spare my waist.
5. that said, i cannot stand to have my waist touched by anyone.
6. i've been in love five times.
7. i've had a vacillating relationship with food over the past ten years. i struggled a lot with body issues in high school and didn't really enjoying eating, but spent a lot of time thinking about eating. then, when i was diagnosed with cancer at 17, food became something different. i felt so incredible queasy from chemo/radiation that i basically lived on chocolate power bars and chicken broth for 12 days between chemo cycles. then, when i started to feel less sick i'd get immense cravings for red meat (because my blood counts were down), something that i didn't eat a lot of before. it wasn't until i got pregnant with parker that i really enjoyed eating, like i did when i was a child. now, most days, eating good food brings me such great happiness. i feel so blessed to have a family of cooks, each one better than the next, and to live where i do, where the availability of fresh food isn't affected at all by season and the variety is incredible. i've been known (on several occasions) to start crying when d walks in with bags of groceries. it feels like love to me.
8. i wonder what my life would have been like if i had said 'yes' more often.
9. my memories are categorized almost solely by music, which means i cannot loan, sell, or give away any cd i've ever aquired. i make mix cd's frequently, in part to mark the time clearly in my own head.
10. i still sometimes think i'd like to go into forensic psychology. i'd like to work for the county crime lab, the medical examiner, or in a prison as i had planned to do before i lost my stomach for it (while i was pregnant with p). needless to say, i got my stomach back.
11. i hate christmas eve night. it's the one day of the year i really feel like a single parent, stuffing stockings alone. (d is in socal with d2). i have a hard time not remembering the things that were going on two years ago, how worried i was about losing the kids somehow.
12. i'm glad that things happened the way they did. i'm glad for her ex. i'm glad for the cancer. i'm glad he left us. i'm glad because it all forced me to change in ways i might not have otherwise.

holiday-y

almost done with my holiday shopping. sold a bunch of books to the used bookstore a while back and was able to use my credit there to get a whole pile of books for a steal. books are my usual gift. also, making a bunch of mix cd's to hand out. i'm kind of famous for my fantastic mix cd's. ;) and to wrap everything up? st. jude's wrapping paper from target. costs $2.99 for a giant roll and $1.00 goes back to sj's for research. hazzah!

so, the kids are going to be with their dad for part of the day on christmas. i think i'm feeling pretty okay about it. things have been pretty mellow between us and i'm glad that they'll get to see him and their grandparents and aunt. i remember doing it after my parents divorced and it wasn't such a huge hassle because we lived close together. i'll have them all christmas eve, christmas morning, and christmas dinnertime. i decided to go downtown and volunteer at an extended-stay homeless shelter for the mentally ill during the middle part of the day. i volunteered there for my capstone class in college and so i'm familiar with their program. seemed like a nice way to pass the afternoon. :)

i was going to go into a long explanation of how yes, d lives with us and of course contributes to the household in a dramatic way but how it isn't his responsibility to care for the kids financially when they have a father who is around too...but then i realized that i don't need to convince anyone of anything. you're going to think what you want. this isn't a contest to see who leads the most destitute life: i know it isn't me. my financial poition has improved significantly over the past 6 months. me complaining about not getting my c/s, a LARGE chunk of my income, is not me asking for help, it's me being frusterated that i still can't count on bk to be true to his word...

that said, i won't be hosting discussion of my finances or legal issues here any more. comments will not be published. i've not asked for any help, so ya'll can just assume i don't need it. if i buy something, assume i have the money for it since i won't use credit. i'm not going to defend my actions anymore. if you regret helping in some way in the past, please send me an email so that i can pay you back, like i would with any loan. otherwise, enough is enough.

one of these cookies is not like the others

kids and i had a very productive weekend up at my grandparents' house. (d was in LA.) thanks g&g, mom & karen for providing the cookies, decorations, and yummy meals.

windfall or same low low price, now with 50% more snark!

hey, love's still free right?

tonight, when i got home, i checked the mailbox and voila! there was my child support check. not cs minus the $60 in cash from earlier in the week but the full amount. color me stunned. $100 (that $60 plus the $40) was ample to get us by these past 5 days and now, with the full amount, life is rosy again. maybe it's wrong of me to budget around the actuality of child support but, i do. i'd like to start getting my check through his employer so there is no headache, for EITHER of us. and regardless of what you think of me and my financial travesties, he has a legal (and moral) obligation to his children. so thank you universe for the kick in the butt that came before the bills or christmas. :)

the one where i tell ya'll to brace yourselves...i'm not going away

so wow, i'm really something or other... last night i briefly considered turning off the comments on the blog or shutting it down altogether. ultimately i decided not to do either one, for several reasons. i love blogging. my reasons aren't entirely altruistic; if they were i'd just keep a handwritten journal. i've tried that in the past and it's never lasted for more than a few months. but this i have deluded myself into believing matters. this has affected other people, affirmed my belief that we don't exist alone in this world, and other sappy cliches that you couldn't care less about.

as evidenced by the multitude of comments yesterday, i'm not entirely wrong to assume that there is something compelling about my life or at least how i write about it. it bears repeating that when i really undertook this blogging thing in earnest (uh, two-ish years ago), when it became more than just a way to share pictures with my distant family and friends, i came to a point when i had to decide just how much i would share. obviously, i decided to put most of it out there. the only things that i've censored have been things that a) fall under category 'other people's privacy' b) my sex life (namely because my parents read the blog and probably don't want to hear about it) c) financial details & some legal info because it's seemed irrelevant up to this point. to say 'it's none of your business' would be a bit lame on my part since really, none of this is any of your business right? let's call the pleasure i derive from laying it all out there in the open reverse voyeurism or something, shall we?

my biggest frustration with blogging has been that i can't keep my computer with me all the time, with the constant soundtrack playing in the background (insert 'look after you' by the fray HERE for that big emotional part). i want to convey this life in such complete and complex ways; words never do complete justice, repeating it just thins the emotion. why weren't you there last night when he looked at me that way? why did you not flush red in the kitchen? would you have had to keep repeating to yourself 'this is real. this is real. this is real. fuck you. no. wait. yes.' and even then it still didn't seem possible? if i turn stevie wonder's 'i believe' up loud enough will you see this as a john cusack movie? if i had half of my dad's musical talent i would compose a symphony so you could hear my life reverberating like i do.

as for everything below: obviously there is nothing i can say to please everyone. and wanting to please everyone is just something i'm gonna have to get over. in the meantime, please remember that i am a human being- a real living person who is affected by the things you say...both bad and good.

judge not, that ye be not judged

I don't get it. I know this blog only shows slices of your life, and what you're dealing with, etc. It's a little frustrating, though. You seem to do a lot of vacationing, drinking, fine food tasting, and chocolate eating (WAY more than I do, at least), but then you complain about having no money. I'm kind of at the end of feeling bad for you about that. I gave you a little fundage for veggies earlier in the year, and bought chocolate to help out when you started making it, but then seeing the blog, and the amount of money you spend on non-essentials... it's a bummer. Maybe bk feels similarly?

I'm not saying you need to be poor and miserable, but you seem to be living a pretty nice lifestyle for someone who's always saying they're out of money.

I'm glad you're happy. I'm glad you're drinking wine, eating chocolate, starting a business, and vacationing with your kids. I don't mean to sound bitchy. It's just that the lifestyle you convey on the blog, and the talk about money (or blaming bk for not supporting you enough) doesn't jive. If you wanted more than $40 to spend on Christmas presents, stop shopping at Trader Joes, taking vacations, etc. for a couple of months.

-an MDC mom

now you see, this bothers me. a lot. i'm sorry if you feel like the help you provided (that i never asked for btw) was a waste. i certainly don't want or need the help that comes with golden handcuffs.

to address your concerns case by case: if by vacationing you mean going to stay with d's grandma. yes. i've done that. for free. d pays for gas. i used to vacation when i had money when i was married. my dad sponsored our trips to washington during the last two years. if you'd like to moniter what food i buy for my family and kids too bad. i can make a good meal here at home for under $10 for all five of us. i don't buy alcohol. i don't pay to eat out. EVER. stop shopping at trader joe's? are you kidding me? this isn't whole foods. it's cheaper than safeway...and um, i don't shop at tj's anyway as it isn't a reasonable distance to ride my bike like safeway is. ben brought that bottle of wine over FROM TRADER JOE'S. i eat chocolate. i eat the ugly stuff that i couldn't sell to anyone, the new flavours we're trying out. i FUCKING sleep and breathe chocolate. so sue me. if you feel my 75% off target jeans that i got for $4.50 are splurging, that's your problem. i haven't spent a goddamn dime on myself for months. all the gifts i've gotten for loved ones have been with giftcards i had before bk left.

you want full disclosure? my half of rent and utilities is $450 a month. i spent $30/month on gas. i spend $45 on internet. medical is around $100 a month, but sometimes much higher. car insurance is another $50 a month. NONE on CLOTHES. NONE on movies or trips or babysitters or WINE or chocolate. NONE. i can support the three of us on $1000 a month in the silicon valley. this is absolutely unheard of. if bk were to give me what he owes me ON TIME and IN FULL i wouldn't be in this situation. it's called budgeting. he gives me X, i make Y grading and together i can scrape by. however, if X doesn't come, my monthly budget is screwed. go ahead, you go to work and when your boss tells you 'sorry, next week' see if it throws a wrench in your finances. if it doesn't, you aren't one of the many many millions in this country that lives paycheck to paycheck. try it.

i'm fully aware of the priveledged life i lead. i have a house and the ability to heat it. i have clothes and food. i have wonderful and emotionally/financially/spiritually generous friends and family. but i work fucking hard. i take care of these kids 24 hours a day (minus 3 - 10 a WEEK when he chooses to take them). i work two jobs aside from that.

i am extremely bothered by the idea that poor people aren't allowed to decide how to spend and budget for themselves without judgement. i have a cup of coffee every morning here at home. i make it in my french press. over the course of a month, maybe it adds $12 to my budget. but you know what? you don't get to tell me that that isn't okay. maybe you think the $12 would be better spent somewhere else but you don't have a say. no one does. it's a priveledged way of thinking and i used to feel the same. i'm not smoking crack. i'm not spending my child support on booze and parties, i'm living.

none of this even begins to touch upon the responsibilty that bk has given up. he has contributed $1000 in the last year and a half to help with the kids. i've had the kids 95% of the time. last week i asked if he could take the kids 2 days a week so that i could get another part time job. he can't or won't. whatever.

and $40 is plenty to give my children a happy holiday. don't worry about us.

furthermore, i never asked you to feel bad for me/us. i'd prefer you don't in fact. this is my life. more good has come of it than bad. the blog has never been about garnering support from people who don't really know me. i write, it's what i do. it's helped me through bad times and it's allowed me to share the great wealth of joy that i've accidentally stumbled upon. if you'd like your money back (for everything but the chocolate) please send me a private email with your address and i'd be happy to send it to you just as soon as i can. seriously. i don't want it and i won't ask questions.

comments are closed.

the one where you could knock me over with a feather

so yeah, no child support, or rather, $60 in cash which is far less than what i'm owed. i wasn't surprised. i wasn't emotional. just really really broke again. $40 to my name a week before christmas and i haven't even bought a single present for the kids. unfortunately i won't get paid by the school district until after the first of the year. i can't explain exactly how it feels because lately it just feels normal. this is what i've come to expect of him and i can't remember a time anymore when i would notice that i need some clothes and just go get them without planning or putting it on my (almost maxed out) credit card. funny what you can get used to.

and this is what we look like when we're working hard: worth enlarging if you want the whole truth

a brief trip to costco for 'supplies.' thankfully renzo came and kept us in line...and made sure that the sample-givers had someone to give samples to. note how suspicious the kid next to ben looks- and who can blame him really? not pictured: dad actually making chocolate. also not pictured: my child support due and payable on the 15th. hmm.

our official taster acting in his official capacity, tasting. yes folks, d gives the chocolate dipped dried red chilis (whole, spicy seeds and all) a thumbs up. that's snake & butterfly for 'yum, now stop making me taste chocolate. i've already eaten three pounds. tonight.'

and here i am in my 'official hurry and chug the trader joe's wine before my three kid-free hours per week are over' capacity. yes folks i am the proud face of single motherhood and small business ownership. *golf claps* and also representin' state on my mom's behalf.

case in point: idiocracy OR juniors on jon krakauer's non-fiction _into the wild_

these are from a prompt that instructed the students write an additional (creative/fictional) chapter for krakauer's book, revealing new info about chris mccandless aka alex supertramp, in the style of the author.

Chris was dropped off towards the end of the river where it meats up with highway 80. The river is the most peaceful chaos that any one can find. [...] Lake Tahoe is the most spectacular lake any human can look at.

Many of the people compared to McCandless were nutcases while some were indeed brilliant or well educated, but none of them seemed to be in particular that similar at al to McCandless in a special way.

It was a lush green forest with indiginous creatures, ivy bush with water drops coming down the green vines like leaves. Skyscraper-like trees reach to the sky covering the light from the vivid sun which on the ground looks kind of like a dance floor with the lights gleaming down through giant trees as high as a fifty story building.

It got Alex angry that Kate had to stop constantly stops and demands a drink of water and to rest. Finally, in a rage Alex tries to get her to get up and she slaps him, She pulls a knife on him. Alex knocks Kate over, takes his knife, and leaves her. Later, as they were walking, they run dog that strangely wondered around them like it was hungry.

NO JOKE, this next one came after the student plagarized the first page from thoreau and tuchman... THIS IS NOT A TEXT MESSAGE! YOU CAN'T USE 'u' IN A FORMAL PAPER!

''Are u a student here." "No im just passing through, hard to find a place to stay around here though." [...] "That's ok, U look like u need some sleep."

the one where i overwhelm you with media

another wild and crazy weekend. er. please note that our company employs child labor in both the packaging and the shipping departments. please note that we drink on the job. please note that we take our children out in public in their pajamas to mail your chocolate to you. please note that we let our children stay up until well after midnight, at which point the conk out on their own. please note d's disgruntled attitude at the christmas tree upstaging his birthday month. ;) please note that we are huge dorks and play rock band. okay?



this is my brother performing (downtown san jo at a cafe) a song that he wrote. wish there was more than 24 seconds... i can't believe this (almost) 21 year old man and very talented musician and all-around good human being is the same kid i met 13(?) years ago, the same one who used to irritate the crap out of me, sitting in his tighty-whiteys playing leggos. :)

the one where i thought i was busy BEfore but boy was i wrong

i have a bunch of pics/stories to upload but it'll have to wait until i've done some grading. i'll reward myself somewhere in the middle there... ACK!!!

no really, i'm laughing on the inside

whoever signed me up for the mailing lists, for PREGNANT women... real funny. i just got my first hilarious crate of formula.

the one where i have excuses ya'll

holy mary mother of god we're busy. i've assembled about a bajillion gift boxes. ben was kept occupied all day yesterday making several pounds of spiced nuts and truffles (sorry, custom, local order!) - all this in spite of a serious back injury. and my dad - while not working his other full-time job- is making s'mores and peanut butter cups and dipping caramels (on the website by the end of the week we hope) and pouring bars. please place your holiday orders by the 15th (16th at the latest) if you want me to absolutely guarantee the delivery. if not, i'm gonna charge you extra for fast shipping!

as far as the gift ideas i owe you:

how about these crocs for the girly kiddos in your life? they match mine and i love mine so, well, they HAVE to be good right?

and since you can't have the awesome genuine antique play kitchen that i got for the kids two april's ago, why not check out this adorible one that i found on bella luna toys. click to enlarge the image. wow, this site has some REALLY cool toys.

the one where my dream life catches up with my real life

i had a dream last night that bk came to the house and appologized for everything - the cheating, the leaving, becoming someone else, making it all my fault. he wanted to make things right. i stood with him on the porch and he asked if he could come back home. i looked in the house and there was d, with the kids. i looked at bk. i looked at d. i crossed the threshold of the door into the house and said to bk from the other side: no thanks, what i have now is much better.

okay life, i hear you. this is the right path.

busybusybusy

wow, so we had a little shin-dig last night for d's birthday and thanks to my dad (who did the cooking) and a whole bunch of wine, things went off swimmingly. thanks everyone who came, i can't speak for d of course but i had fun, and that's what really counts. ;) pictures when i've uploaded them.

as for me, i'm terrifically busy. s&b is swamped with gift box orders (yay!!!) and making what needs to be made. the boxes came today and they're lovely and elegant. photos will be up here and on the website tomorrow.

bk is taking the kids tonight, though he was too busy this weekend to do anything other than drop off sandwhiches for us and say 'hi' to the kids. parker's been whiny and teary this weekend and last night when i tucked her in she came unglued and told me that she missed daddy. this morning she said she wasn't gonna go with him tonight because she was upset that he canceled. still a roller coaster... i'm going to see if he wants to start taking them another weeknight so there are more visits than just one a week. we only live a mile away from each other; it seems like it should be possible. again though, i'm not sure how active he sees himself being over the next several years. this is all par for the course but i'm happy (and surprised) to see he's been on time with child support and you cannot even imagine the relief that's been around here.

okay, back at the chocolate! bbl

more gifts: d's birthday edition

what should a son get his father on his birthday? a homer simpson chia pet, obviously.

peanut butter cups...finally! and the one where i give you another gift idea but this one is stolen

okay, we got these peanut butter cups down (thanks to my dad fiddling around with them for the last couple of weeks). hurry and order them before d and i eat them all. ;)

wrought irony melamine plates by working class studio - okay, you may have noticed the cool plates that i photograph our chocolate on... they're from my aunt and uncle and are beautiful, functional, and completely affordable ($4 per plate). ALL the stuff on this website is awesome and the designers are graduates of SCAD (savannah college of art & design).

more stuff that you want

bird measuring spoons by beehive kitchenware so i need new measuring spoons (ben and i broke most of mine during our truffle adventures at the beginning of the year) and i came across these. all the stuff on the site is handmade and though expensive ($88 for the above), the craftsmanship looks quite incredible.

you know you want it or the one where i give you gifty-ish ideas

so how about i find 31 random-cool things (31 days in december) on the interwebs like i'm oprah and this is my o-list? and since i'm uh, four days behind, i'll give you three today and an extra one tomorrow. okie-dokey. in no particular order...

5 piece brush set by ecotools

earth-friendly beauty: comes with 5 high-quality makeup brushes inside a natural cotton & hemp case. made with cruelty free hair and natural & recycled materials. i tried them and i really really love them. i have a few mac brushes from ages ago and honestly, i like these better because they're a little firmer and are only $13 for all five, not $20 a piece! i'm not a makeup person but i had FUN this morning. i even applied concealer under my eyes all fancy-like. i bought it for the little angled brush in the center of the pack and for eyebrows, and precision lining, it didn't disappoint.

your favorite shows are coming to an end for the season right? why not try a new one from the beginning? specifically: it's always sunny in phialdelphia. hilarious. irreverant. plus there are three seasons on dvd so there's several hours worth of episodes to catch up on. and when you're an enourmously dorky fan like i am, you can start to buy gear from the fx website. ya know, like the dayman t-shirt!

a snake & butterfly giftbox! (picture to follow tomorrow.) send one to your friends and family. give one to your realtor, your banker, your lawyer! buy one for yourself. sample some of our favorite chocolate-y things. comes in a pretty silver box tied all up in gold and silver ribbon! they come in three sizes and three prices, each an outta this world deal!

condolences

to the community of los gatos who lost a lghs senior on tuesday: michael halpin 1991-2008. mercury news article can be found here.

the sedaris connection: 'you two must think i'm the cucumber in the gardener's ass'

watch and listen: romance and cigarettes the is the strangest movie i've seen in a very long time and everyone is in it: susan sarandon, james gandalfino, kate winslet, amy sedaris (!!!), mary-louise parker, christopher walken, mandy moore, john turturro (who wrote and directed it), aida turturro, steve buscemi, eddie izzard, elaine stritch. it's musical of sorts and the music is ridiculous: tom jones's 'delilah', bruce springsteen's 'red headed woman', cindy lauper's 'prisoner of love' and more oddities... anyway, there's no way to explain this. just watch it. i'm not sayin' you'll like it (though i love bizarre film and this...is) so don't come back here and tell me to give you your two hours back. (read andrew o'hehir's review in salon - google it if it won't open).

read: david sedaris's when you are engulfed in flames it's by david sedaris. 'nuff said. hilarity ensues.

'If I was a child and saw something creeping out of a hole in my mother’s leg, I would march to the nearest orphanage and put myself up for adoption. I would burn all pictures of her, destroy anything she had ever given me, and start all over because that is simply disgusting. A dad can be crawling with parasites and somehow it’s OK, but on a mom, or any woman, really, it’s unforgivable.'

the one where maybe i commit the cardinal sin of parenthood

this post began to to manifest itself last friday when we were up in arnold. the specifics aren't really important but something happened with d that at first, made me feel defensive and mean and cry-y, and then made me feel spill-y and relieved and impressed (again) by d's ability to listen, process, internalize, and change. was that vague enough for you? in actuality though, d is little more than a catalyst in this story. i think...

parker is strange. a worrier. very very smart. and complicated and perceptive and prolific. but completely uncoordinated, except in the water where she's currently excelling at the backstroke, with no instruction whatsoever. she likes to let her hair hang down all stringy-like in her face. she mastered the fish-eye at a very young age. she puts her fingers or her necklace in her mouth when she's nervous, and she's nervous a lot. she's extremely slow to warm but quick to turn on you if she thinks you've crossed her. she has a fierce sweet tooth but seems to be able to go days on end without eating much of anything at all. she nursed until i thought my boobs were gonna fall off. she's not particularly fond of competition, at least when she knows she's being watched. she cannot pose naturally for a photograph to save her life but always looks beautiful and silly in candid shots. she's prone to hysteria and whining. she's incredibly gentle with animals but likes to tackle her brother and steal his toy/blanket/fork/insert-anything-he-might-have-in-his-paws-here. she's both clingy and un-cuddly at the same time. she's so...parker. she's sometimes very hard to love, though i love her so much that sometimes i think i'll die from it.

since r left i've been driven by two contradictory fears: the fear of losing her (in a vague and concrete ways) to her father and the fear of him rejecting her for all the reasons he rejected me, for her unfortunate likeness to me. (for these reasons, the ever-ready-to-snuggle lorenzo has been easier to love.) the terrifying reality of losing miss p has won out most days and has seemed more real than losing 'renzo, who until recently, has been of very little interest to his father. (plus, i've always thought of parker as ours (afterall, she was SUCH a daddy's girl the first two years of her life) and lorenzo as mine. like, hey, i've got squatter's rights to this kid.) but this is just now. who can say how he'll feel about her in the future? certainly he's noticed that miss p is more 'difficult' than her brother.

i'm unsure of how to handle my guilt for these thoughts and feelings about parker, her future. the guilt i feel in having failed her by not being feminine/docile/outgoing enough for her father to stay (though to be clear, i'm glad he didn't). the guilt for somehow passing on the genetics that one day may make her too much like me. the other night, for a moment, i talked to r, through d, let myself believe it was him and that as d, he'd know the right answers (he did). you love her right? you don't think she's too strange to love do you? do you? did i really mean: you love me right? i'm not too strange to love? we're not too strange to love? and which is worse: that r left because i wasn't enough? or because she was too much?

panic, but not at the disco -or- the one where i steal my title from amanda

i remember walking through the grocery store two years ago with r, crying happy tears and joking that for all thanksgivings in the future we'd have to serve ham because i'd forever associate turkey with the devastating feelings of him leaving the sunday after thanksgiving. he laughed and indulged me in my delusion that the future would involve an 'us' or maybe he himself was feeling guilty and unsure and comforted by the inertia of ten years. i said we'd always be best friends, that we'd laugh when we were old about the winter he spent on an air mattress in a rented room with one of our cats. and then things started to really unravel.

he never came home despite my pleas to him and god and santa. he never got a room with the air mattress. he just got a new checking account, a new hairstyle and angry, further and further away from who i though he was. that christmas and new years sucked. and while i was beginning to feel a stirring, i half-heartedly participated in the holidays last year. i felt foggy and happy that we'd survived another year. the kids and i didn't even get a tree. i don't know when it was exactly that things started to change.

at the risk of sounding ridiculous, i celebrated this thanksgiving with gusto, with thanks for what i do have, not thoughts of what is missing and gone. i cannot tell you what it has felt like to be so warmly welcomed into d's family, and so quickly. i feel free to be myself, faults and all, around them. my sordid past, my complicated present, my anticipated future: everything seems to be accepted in the way it was intended.

bb