too good to be true

bk came yesterday to pick up the kids at 11.20 (20 minutes late). parker didn't want to go but i helped her into her carseat. she cried, but wasn't hysterical so i sent them on their way. he gave me to "ok" sign as they drove away. about 15 minutes later i got a call saying that the kids were "having a hard time" and he didn't know what to do. i was on my way up to my grandparents house to pick up my car so i told him i'd call him on my way back.

at my request, i wound up meeting them at a sandwich place (as opposed to home) about an hour later. the kids hadn't been fed anything other than jamba juice (again, what's with that?). he bought me a sandwich and the kids a half sandwich and cup of soup. it was the first time i'd seen him interact with them in several months. it was awkward at best. he deals with them like he did when he left, like they are 2.5 and 6 months. he's very fussy about things (letting them feed themselves, accidentally spilled water, p getting down on the ground to pick something up). he was always the more laid back one and it made me sad to see him so uptight about normal kid stuff.

he stayed with us while we ate (though he didn't partake) but he was gone by 1.30 (supposed to keep them until 4) after handing off two eye-witness books to parker (which i can only assume were her easter presents) and nothing for lorenzo...

the upside of all this was that the kids got to come with me to see d2 play his first soccer game. i'm officially a weekend-bonus-soccer-mom. :D it was thrilling to cheer for him and his team with d and d2's mom (a). i hadn't seen a since high school and she was very friendly and non-threatening with me, which i totally appreciated. i think this is how it is supposed to be.

tender years

teach your children well,
their father's hell did slowly go by,
and feed them on your dreams
the one they picked, the one you'll know by.

so much of the last year (and more) has been spent getting by and getting to the next big thing. and i feel like in many ways i missed out on parker's 3 year-old year and much of lorenzo's first year. i'm making a point during the day to slow things down and appreciate them. yesterday parker and i made a book (i'll scan it in, it's so friggin' cute). she drew the pictures and dictated the words for me to write. we had a blast. it's incredible the creativity that comes out of these little beasts. today we took a walk up the trail to the perc ponds. 'renz chased canadian geese that are bigger than he is (and stepped in their huge droppings, lovely). parker collected "cool rocks" and other various quasi-nature finds. it was a really beautiful day and i enjoyed just being with them. *le sigh*

speaking of really incredible kids...i recorded a documentary on hbo called autism: the musical. it "follows five autistic children [including stephen stills's son wyatt (of crosby stills nash & young)] as they work together to create and perform a live musical production." wow. i was bawling my eyes out through parts of it. you can stream it here and i highly recommend that you do.

go hug your kids and tell them you love them. :) (or your pet or your partner or your friend or yourself...)

thanks emmy & andy

okay, so how cool is it to find harry and david organic star ruby grapefruit on your doorstep? really cool. emmy and andy got me a 3 month membership to the fruit of the month club and i am beyond thrilled. we are excited about the pineapples and mangoes we'll be getting in the next two months! :D

nicely played

bk showed up relatively close to on time to pick up the kids. he fed them, didn't let p watch tv (as she'd lost the privilege earlier in the day), and took them to story time at the library, like i requested. the kids were a bit hyper when they got home and lorenzo's diaper was bursting at the seams but other than that they seemed to be in good shape.

i ironed, watched the new tv, and went and grabbed some indian food with b. boy does two and a half hours go quick...

if the past 16 months aren't enough to keep you entertained

rent the squid and the whale.

purgatorio

my grandfather was born in san vito lo capo, sicily. this place is the closest place to paradise i've ever been. partly because i felt at home there. partly because of its proximity to the ocean. partly because of the incredible food and kind people and slow pace of life. anyway, in order to get there from palermo you have to go through a town called purgatorio. it's an aptly named place: ugly and dry and suspended between someplace worse and someplace substantially better. it feels like a place marker or a holding ground.

it feels very much like the space that i'm in now. it feels like i've been here forever and will be here forever. things get slightly better or slightly worse but never really change. i want so badly for it to be over, in whatever sense.

and glory

ah yes, the traditional easter argument... bk called to wish p a happy easter (2.30ish) and when she got on the phone with him she asked "why do you cancel all the time daddy?" this went on for 5 minutes and she handed the phone back to me. "what the hell was that about? there is no way a four year old comes up with that on her own? i don't cancel all the time." it took me 15 minutes to calm him down. i did not put her up to that. yes "cancel" is my word. is there another word you'd prefer i use instead? can you call and tell her when you're cancelling so i don't always have to be the bad guy? i don't make disparaging remarks about you to the kids. don't you think i would benefit from you having a good relationship with them? don't you think i need a break once in a while?

i found myself feeling guilty for something i didn't even do. let me make it plainly clear here. i have no intention of cutting him out of the kids lives (unless he becomes a danger to them or something). while it is nice to fantasize about having all the financial security and none of the interaction with him, i do believe the kids should have a relationship with him in the capacity he is capable of. if at some point they decide it isn't worth it, that's their decision.

oh yeah, and then he cancelled for tuesday.

mad-dog

so i went over to the lawyer's (wh) office on thursday and dropped off the 130 papers that i copied the other day. he was in court but i met a woman who was pissed because her stbx retained wh (my lawyer, focus people) before she could. i also spent some time with nicole, his paralegal. she said the ammount of monthly support i'm requesting is WAY low. she laughed when she saw by "ideal" monthly expense report (meaning how it would look if i started paying for my own health insurance, cell phone, food, clothes, etc.). she said that most of their other expense reports she's seen have a monthly total of more than my YEARLY total (like more than $40k a month!!!). wh has already been in touch with dcss and we're apparently filing a motion. more on that when i hear more.

i digress

once again, i disagree with you superdad. since bk hasn't seen the kids in ages (successfully) we were hoping to re-acclimate them to him. meeting at a pho place for lunch has worked for us in the past. at least miss p can visit with him for a half hour. she's four, not a flippin' idiot: she knows that lunch doesn't mean he's coming home. i even asked bob. *wags tongue*

but, as it turns out it was all for naught. after bk suggested it on wednesday and then confirmed that we'd meet last night, he texted me this morning to cancel. oh well.

and also

the kids health insurance has lapsed.

the car insurance on his car (that my name is still on) has lapsed. the dmv sent a letter saying that the registration has been cancelled too.

i offered to let bk stay at my house with the kids to watch them and he declined. "they're just going to cry if you leave."

i called today to see if he wants to meet the three of us for lunch tomorrow by his work. he ignored my calls. i left a message. no reply yet...

i'm trying people. i don't know what else to do. i can't make him be the father i want him to be for our kids. and againagainagain, this blog isn't all of me or the story, ever. i just can't put into words the rest of who we are and what we're going through. and if i could, i suspect you'd all find it VERY boring (and then, my dad came over and i went to kinkos to make copies. i found a guy's credit card in the machine and i took it up to the counter. i made 134 copies and the printer only jammed twice...)

news flash, not

parker has been having a really hard past couple of days. she had a serious melt down last night and after crying hysterically and throwing herself around for about 10 minutes (on the auspices of wanting to watch a movie) she finally came out with it. "why does my daddy always cancel? i miss my daddy. i want my daddy. why does he keep saying he's going to come and then he changeses his mind? why does he cancel so much? i miss my daddy." and on and on until she literally fell asleep mid-sentence.

this evening bk called at 5.00 to tell me that he'd be here to get the kids in 30 to 40 minutes. he got here at 6.20. he walked in and my mom and d and his friend (who came to visit from humbolt) and i were sitting around chatting. awkward - for him. parker had already decided that she didn't want to go with him (no explanation other than that she wanted "some mama time") and she immediately started crying when he said that it was time to go. i told her she could stay with me if she wanted to. she waffled and bk kept giving me nasty looks. he was rough with the kids, pulling 'renzo by the waistband of his pants and being pissy with parker about not wanting to go. she was very upset. ultimately she decided to stay with me and he started to leave with just 'renzo. about the time they got to the car (25 yards from my front door) 'renzo started screaming because he realized parker and i weren't coming. "mamamamama." bk got tears in his eyes and brought lorenzo back to me. a year ago i would have felt sorry for him and thought he was crying tears of regret. regret for messing up, for letting his kids down, for having all his priorities all out of wack. now i know he was crying because he was feeling sorry for himself and embarrassed because the kids made him look bad in front of people he doesn't know. it made me a teeny bit sad. i wish he'd just get it together already, but i'm not sure he's capable.

that's what she said

first, craigslist rules. since my grandparents installed the closet organizers for the kids and i (a month ago) the old closet shelves/rods/supports have been sitting in my carport, all white-trashy like. and while i embody that [married woman shacking up in a double-wide with a single father who drives a pickup, using wic checks to buy groceries, and so on and so forth ;) ] i was getting kinda sick of seeing the crap and tripping over it. so, i posted an ad in the free section of craigslist. 10 minutes later i got a call from a guy that wanted to come by and take it off my hands. awesome. i was out so i gave the guy directions and when i got home all the stuff was gone. sweet.

and in my driveway was d and his business partner. in the middle of the afternoon. odd. and in my bedroom was a brand new 50" plasma tv. despite the fact that 75% of his is already here, this made things very real for me. he planned to buy the tv. he waited for it to be the right price. he bought it. he brought it over. here. he moved some furniture around so the damn thing would fit in the bedroom. he set it up. you know what this means? he has no immediate plans to bail! w00t.

the one that i keep almost posting

i keep composing and re-composing this post in my head and i'm not quite sure how to get it down because i'm not sure exactly what to say. i suppose it has mainly to do with me not being as uptight as i used to be, me being surprised that i still have the capacity to fall for somebody, me initially underestimating d (and my own ability to trust again), and me suddenly feeling like i am part of this almost-family. which is to say it is about a whole bunch of things.

in the last month or so d and i (and the three kids) have come into this sort of comfortable routine. mondays he plays racquetball after work, wednesdays we usually have a date, fridays we take the three kids out to dinner, sunday i make pasta and a salad... it's very effortless and simple. two mornings ago he served me coco puffs in bed before he left for work. we slurped and crunched and chatted while the kids slept. last night he sat with lorenzo on his futon so that i could take a shower. i came back and found him feeding mr. baby brie and crackers in bed. he tucks them in. it's not convential romance. there isn't excessive complimenting or pda-ing or that miriad of things that fades (quickly) in a new romance. he brought his last load of boxers down from his place and said he didn't want to 'freak me out' by bringing the last of his nice shirts. somehow, i'm not freaked out.

but i'm struggling because i have this profound and overwhelming urge (akin to that womb-vomiting feeling i had when i was giving birth to lorenzo, bear with me people) to express my gratitude to him. thank you. thank you for changing the course of my life. thank you for these moments and being someone who doesn't make me feel the need to plan or question. thank you for loving my children and letting me love yours. thank you (i hope) for understanding these things without me having to wonder what the hell it is you see in me. and on and on.

hack & i met with the lawyer

he texted me this morning to cancel for this evening.

met with the lawyer and retained him and he took about 30 minutes to talk with me although i didn't have an appointment. i am very confident in his abilities and glad that i finally took this leap. i'll know more in a couple of days after he's looked into the dcss case and reviewed all the paperwork.

any time I'm feeling blue, or puzzled , what I do, I just invite a few people to come visit me in the bathroom, and-well, we iron things out together

no sign of bk in the last couple of days. i suspect his lack of "goodnight calls" to the kids is more due to indifference than humiliation or a sneak attack that is about to be launched. no shoes will befall me anymore.

tomorrow i'm going with my grandparents to pay the $10,000 retainer fee to the lawyer i chose back in september. i'm hoping to have an appointment with him early this week. i don't really know what happens from here but it had better happen quickly.

shrunk

bk showed up almost 45 minutes late to get the kids this morning (11.40ish) and parker wasn't too keen on going with him to the mall. he just called at 1.30 to tell me the kids are 'falling apart' and a 'mess' and 'parker has been asking for you since we left and ya know, i thought it would be better if she has you when she wants you or whatever.' so here we all are again, two hours later! this kids, is a weekend with your father.

didn't feed them anything but jamba juice because they 'kept telling me they weren't hungry.' in any case 'renzo nursed like a feind and p was 'starving' when they got back. they only went to 'grownup stores to buy things for auntie bk.' oh for the love of god...

m-r-e yeah, you know me or strange bedfellows or the post with no particular direction but lots of interesting stuff nonetheless

wednesday night d took me out and did what any good boyfriend would do after his girlfriend's husband cancelled mediation for the umpteenth time: took me to japantown and got me snookered on hot saki and beer. bk texted me less than an hour after he took the kids and asked me when to bring them home. *oy* i told him i'd check in at nine and d and i had a lovely dinner and then met up with j (my lawyer friend, another one, not b's girlfriend) and went to a new moroccan restaurant for dessert and wine. we're sitting there, the only people in the place, and i'm admittedly a bit saki-faced and i hear my dad's music come on. weird. they were playing my dad's cd. when the waiter/owner came over i told him and he said 'i LOVE your dad's music, bring him in!' and then j worked some magic and told the chef/owner that i'm in the chocolate business and ohbytheway, they're looking for a chocolate dessert.

the next day my dad and i went to the restaurant and sure enough, it was his music and the chef/owner walks up and my dad (who manages a different morrocan restaurant now) knows the frickin' guy- he used to work with him at lb (the same place b works). so as it turns out, b knows him too and we have a meeting on monday so they can do a tasting. and the two guys (server/owner) are brothers and told my dad they took his cd with them on a trip through morroco and the server asked for his autograph. :D

lorenzo got a mint stuck in his eye while we (my dad and i) were driving to get parker from school yesterday. a mint. stuck in his eye. he started crying and rubbing his eye and i turned around and saw the tiny little mint float to the corner of his eye. i pulled over, got him out of his seat and started pouring water in his eye, to no avail. i wound up knocking on a lady's door in this really nice neighborhood and holding a flailing 'renzo said 'can i come in and use your sink- my baby got something in his eye!' she said 'sure! oh my god! of course!' and then moved aside and stared at me while i looked confused. 'um, where's the sink?!' 'oh yeah! back there!' and then she followed me to the bathroom where i got water all over the floor and no mint out of 'renzo's eye. 'can i get you something?! oh my god! here!' and handed me a medicine dropper (?). we decided to just take him to the hospital and ran outta the house while she appologized that her house was so messy (it wasn't)(?). in any case, i got the mint out while dad was driving... *oy* so thanks to the nice (and very puzzled lady) in the rose garden district who let us into her house. i can only imagine the story you told your husband and kids when they got home!

last night i was annoyed and lazy and i decided to feed the kid the military m-r-e that was in the last batch of food from the food bank. they LOVED it. yay army food with it's own heater! it came with pasta with vegetables in tomato sauce, crackers and peanut butter, a nut and raisin mix, lemon poppyseed poundcake, a packet of crispy m&m's, and an 'accessory packet.' very interesting and tidy way to eat.

no news from the bk front. haven't heard from him since wednesday. i have an appointment with my lawyer early next week and i'll know more then. kids came home rather hyper/weepy on wednesday night. he'd put them in front of the tv although i asked that he not do that.

FUCK that

he was served with papers from dcss on monday.

his lawyer told him not to sign anything.

he's cancelling mediation tomorrow.

'don't worry, you'll get your money. if i don't give you your money they'll put me in jail.'

'you'll get your money when my lawyer tells me i have to pay.'

last week he told me not to worry 'you'll get what you deserve.'

it's wednesday, so clearly date night, duh. or chemhistory

d and i are going out on a preemtive celebratory date tonight (celebrating that the papers will be signed tomorrow and i'll be very close to divorced). japantown, baby. i haven't mentioned much about d because well, he's really spectacular in his simplicity and there isn't a ton to say. he makes me feel good, he is absofuckingtastic with my kids (we had a sleep over with all three and instead of just saying 'i love you' to d2 he said 'i love you guys' to mine and his. just like it was no big thing. *swoon*), he's supportive but not condescending, and i feel generally at peace when i'm with him. and, we have chemistry, which as it turns out, is something new to me. more on that when the kids head out (fingers crossed that bk doesn't cancel).

it's never too early to start thinking positive

thursday at noon is the final mediation session. final because either a) i expect project manifest that he'll sign the document and things will be through or b) we'll be going to court because this is the final chance. i very very very much want option 'a' to be the case and i'd love it if everyone could put tiny bit (shit, a lot) of good energy out there for me/us. and ya know, you'll all benefit because i'll be happy and when i'm happy i like to give away chocolate! ;)

he's baaack

last night the kids and i had dinner with the outlaws. we had a nice time. i feel very comfortable just being myself around them now. i don't feel like i have to prove myself and they are warm and make me feel like i'm still part of the family. plus, they're wonderful grandparents to the kids. i don't think bk really sees them (his parents ya'll, pay attention) much anymore so i'm their main connection to the kids. they sent us off with leftovers and we may meet up for lunch sometime this week.

bk and miss bk are back from their hawaiian vacation. i enjoyed all the commentary on that last post. i can't remember who said it but whoever said it was right, i wouldn't give a flying fuck what/where/when/how he spent his money if he was providing for his children. it's lame to hear him whine/cry about how he has nothing and then to find out he has all new clothes and can afford to take a week off of work and jet to hawaii... and again, i use this blog to document things. things like 'he only called once in the last week' and 'he cancelled his visit for tomorrow.' ya know, things like that...

b and the kids and i drove up to navato today to buy a 30 kilo (66 pounds) block of raw chocolate from our distributor. awesomeness. the thing is like a mini fridge. we'll start refining and hopefully have some chocolate for sale for easter. m'kay? email me or comment and let me know what kind of stuff your kids (or you) will be looking for (small stuff, peanut butter stuff, dark stuff, dried fruit/nut stuff). the drive resulted in a $3.89 per gallon fill up and a trip across the golden gate bridge on what was possibly the most beautiful day ever. driving into the city at 4pm, god it was awesome and i feel so lucky to live here. *le sigh*

haven't dropped off the face of the earth

just very busy with grading (franny & zooey), baby showers (forrest & heather), trying not to sell the children (mine). ;) i'll be back to post this afternoon.

they're in hawaii

what more is there to say?

regarding chocolate packaging

a couple of people have mentioned the chocolate packaging (or lack there of). wanted to let you know that the samples were NOT packaged! we did that part intentionally. my wonderful (almost) aunt and uncle designed a GORGEOUS logo for us and printed out business cards on their letter press. (check out their work). we hope they'll be hand pressing our packaging for us too (pleasepleaseplease). samples to come shortly... in the meantime, we finished the latest batch of chocolate and will be sending some out this weekend.

tidbits

still no word from bk. almost a week now.

i went over to a high end consignment store and put my diamond earrings, diamond pendant, and diamond/ruby ring up. the ring was purchased right before mr. baby was born and now knowing that bk was seeing the mom of four, i don't really want to keep it. any money i make from the sales will be going into a ME fund. hopefully i'll be able to take the kids back to sicily in the fall... it felt good to send the stuff packing.

'renzo is apparently going through some big developmental thing as he's being a big whiny mess for most of the day. he's throwing these outrageous temper tantrums and screaming bloody murder in the car. plus, he's impossible to get down at night. i'm ready to rip my hair out if i don't get a break from the crying/screaming/hitting/hair-pulling soon.

d and i watched two worthwhile movies this week: the darjeerling limited (i love love loved bottle rocket, royal tannenbaums, the life aquatic) and perfume (i read the book too a long while ago and it is fantastic).

things we've learned

the boxes we shipped the chocolate in weren't enough protection for the bars! they need more padding or something.

we were dissatisfied with the texture of the batch we sent out (thankfully only the first 20 bars) and we should have done what we eventually did: break all the bars down, remelt them, and refine them for 6 more hours. MUCH better. those in the first round, we'd be happy to send you more chocolate for comparison's sake! you'll be surprised at the difference.

we didn't explain what 'live' chocolate is. doh! live chocolate means that our cacao beans are unroasted and we never get the cacao mass above 116 degrees. therefore we do not destroy the wonderful properties in the chocolate (enzymes, antioxidants, lowers blood pressure, and the darker the better) and also we have to work a lot harder in order to get the taste and texture just so. (we think we're getting close with this most recent batch.) unfortunately for you (but fortunately for us) there are only two (very small) companies that make raw chocolate.

okay 'renzo's up to no good. bbl

ah hah

no word from bk, from wherever it is he is. he rarely calls to say goodnight to parker anymore so this isn't a huge shock. i was looking back at pictures again and i just cannot fathom how someone can change so much so quickly. b was telling me that he remembers meeting him before everything went south (as you recall they worked together for a while). he thinks it was coke and i'm inclined to agree. apparently the mother of four that he was seeing when i was pregnant was heavy into it, as was the guy he tended bar with, and one of their mutual good friends. it makes sense to me. doesn't make things better or worse per say but it's funny how even 15 months later i'm still finding out new stuff.

poem not done-ish

things in storage

i finished in the honolulu marathon
in 12,756th place and there you are
for all eternity, panting with me
across the finish line

i saved every ticket stub, every
brittle yellow corsage and there
you are smiling dumbly with me,
in front of a chinese lantern backdrop

i left you with the platinum stemware,
the dense weight of my dress, well wishes
of 300 distant relatives and two mirrors
lest you forget where you came from

run chocolate, RUN!

so b and i shipped out the first 20 bars for beta testing. they are currently making their tasty little way to new york (x4), texas (x2), illinois (x2), vermont, kansas, florida, oregon (x3), california, missouri, kentucky, pensylvania (x2), and georgia. we felt like we were sending our kids off to their first day of preschool!

did i mention that i got about a bajillion emails in response to the call for testers within a matter of moments? so even if you responded on the very first day, you may be number 50+ on the list. we intend to send chocolate to EVERYBODY that responded so sit tight and wait for your email! :D

this is your brain on drugs

parker called out to me at about 1.30 last night and climbed into my bed shortly after. at 1.45 she sat up and projectile vomited all over herself, the bedding, the side of the bed, the bedside chair, the carpet, some cords. i rushed her to the bathroom where she finished barfing in the toilet, ran her a bath and let her soak while i spent 45 minutes stripping the bed and cleaning up.

and you know what i was thinking the whole time? thank god for my car, my ever-lovin' car. i am so lucky that the government subsidizes dairy and that i get to do this all by myself, every single day. my kids don't need fresh fruits and veggies and they certainly don't need a father. physical and emotional health are clearly overrated! and baby, we've got a CAR!

so long, farewell

bk showed up 25 minutes late (11.25am) (in a new designer hat). called me at 12.52 to let me know he had a bar meeting at 2 and ohbytheway, he can take them with him (TO THE BAR) or he can swing them by to me. i said i was out running errands but i was NOT comfortable with the kids being at the bar and to drop them off with my mom (thank you mom) and i'd pick them up shortly.

he didn't tell parker that he is going on vacation and won't see her for a week. he also didn't tell her that he rented out 'her' room to miss bk's younger brother and should there ever be a time when she wants to spend the night or just play in her own space, that space doesn't exist. :(

my love for these two incredible (and incredibly resilient) kids has swelled tremendously in the past month. they both seem to have surpassed something. parker at four is such a joy to me and 'renzo (despite the huge amount of trouble he gets into) makes me laugh every day. i am blessed.