saturday? almost march? really?

wow, where has the time gone? i can't believe how busy we've been lately, how full my life has felt.

• i've gotten so much grading in the last four weeks (and for several weeks to come) that i've had to start turning some of the teachers down. i'm also considering doing a little private tutoring to bring in some extra cash. good god, some of the kids need help - though i'm told they're mostly lazy, in addition to stupid. have you noticed a general dumbing down of the teen set or is it just in this neck of the woods?
  
• ben and dad and i have been having s&b meetings weekly, plugging away on future goals. we are SO excited at the prospect of being at the farmer's market soon and getting ready for easter. which reminds me: i found a fantastic (local) marshmallow woman who somehow hasn't already been swooped up by anyone else. and get this: she's doing corn syrup free marshmallows! have i mentioned that we believe that corn syrup is the work of the devil? no? well, it's true. and she's using our old favorite agave instead! so we're going to do some kid friendly stuff for the spring holidays. alternative peeps anyone? w00t. (email will be sent within a week.)


• my cousin rico (and one of my best friends evah) called me yesterday to tell me that he's coming to visit before he leaves for uganda for the next several months. and in a totally awesome and impromptu and newish way he swooped me up and we're going to see our other cousin bo in san diego next week. just for one night. i managed to backwards engineer babysitting (even r is helping!) and im SO excited. i never do stuff like this.


• kids sound like they're flooding the bathroom. bbl!

remember when this was just a goofy kid blog?

i just got parker's preschool pictures back today and they are so parker. last year she refused to be photographed but this year, she tried really really hard and let the lady snap three whole pictures. the kid really doesn't love getting her picture taken by strangers but she did it. this has been the theme of the last six months for parker. and it's got me adoring having a five year old. she still has a bit of that timidness that makes her, in part, who she is, but the kid powers through it. she's terrifically excited for school every day (which sucks at times because she's only there for 2.5 hours, three days a week) and no longer clings to me when i drop her off. she's become a prolific artist (bringing home upwards of six pieces every class day), a giggly joke-teller (she specializes in knock-knock jokes whose punchlines leave me scratching my head), an excited writer/reader ('mama, how do you spell celeste?' passing out name tags to the entire family), and an incredible helper (she unloads all the kid dishes without complaint and has just started, without being asked, to make her bed when she gets up). she's generally trusting, though still highly prone to moments of panic when she thinks things are going wrong. it's hard to separate out what is just a part of who she is and what is residual from the past two and a half years. that said, she's certainly bonded to d and last night pitched a fit when her brother and i got home because they were playing barbies 'by ourselves!' i'm trying to get one on one time every week with the kiddos (which also allows d to have some one on one) and miss p's cheerfulness, inquisitiveness, and emotional capacity never ceases to amaze me. she thought it was pretty special that she got to come with me to trader joe's (without lorenzo) after school on monday; she picked out dried apricots, chocolate yogurt, and cherry tomatoes as treats. she's a little person now, with thoughtful and hilarious observations about her world. 'mama, were you SO happy when you found i was a girl?!' 'i was!' i'm so proud to be her mama.

s&b updatey-ness

wowzers. wanted to let you know (and there will be an email going out to the mailing list too) that there's new stuff on the snake & butterfly website. dad's come up with 5 awesome truffles:

amaretto & orange truffles - same candied oranges as the dipped ones
bourbon & apricot truffles - likewise, same glaceed apricots as the dipped
kiwi & lemon zest truffles - kiwis from ben's own organic kiwi tree
rum & cherry truffles - montmorency cherries - my current favorite
thai truffles - lemongrass, coconut, lime & red pepper...dayum

i originally put these up in six packs and then realized that y'all might wanna try 'em before you commit to that many of one flavor. they're now up for $1.25 each. feel free to mix and match. :) PICTURES WILL BE UP THIS WEEK, WEATHER PERMITTING!

and then, ben has two new, typically delicious bars:

superfruit - with dried cherries & blueberries and acai & pomegranate powder
and one that'll be up in a day or two: ultra dark with smoked almonds

holler at yer boyz, m'kay? and, keep your fingers crossed: we're hoping to get approved for at least one local farmer's market so we can start there in april. yahoo!

like a birthday, but with fewer presents

so last friday the kids and i met up with r's mom and had lunch together. she met us at the house and we drove together to our favorite vietnamese place in sj. conversation is as easy as it has been (in other words, much easier than when bk and i were together) and she has taken a real interest in my life without bk, including my life with d, which i think is fantastic and awfully big of her. she brought me a belated birthday present (that awesome bcbg max azaria dress over there and a pair of movie tickets). again, they've gone way above and beyond on me (their ex daughter-in-law) and surprised me with something that makes me feel sexy and totally thrilled with my new life. so awesome on them.

and as the title may or may not suggest, being divorced is really no different than being almost divorced. like having a birthday and waking up being a year older, i feel no different. and in the same way i'm getting used to saying i'm divorced instead of married or separated or divorcing. i think i felt minorly panicky on friday because i realized really way down deep that i'm in a seriously vulnerable position: dude, i love this guy d and he could hurt me really really bad. (brief moment of terror, thank you ben for helping me through it.) that said, when i'm being rational at least, i don't think that d is the kind of guy to put me in the position that bk put me in.

bb after dinner.

the one where i am officially divorced

it happened! it's done! the judge signed the papers! we're official!

here lies: my marriage
***
born 27 july 2002
fell ill 26 november 2006
died 20 february 2009

r, if you ever read this: let's both be happier, better people for our time together and for deciding to go our seperate ways. drinks are on you! c

wherein, i don't know

okay so, it's done (or will be tomorrow-ish). i've realized over the past few days that there is not some big revelation or if there is, i haven't had it. i've come to no conclusions. or rather, i've concluded what i should conclude, but not what i have actually concluded. the right thing to say here is that i know why my marriage ended and that i know what i need to do to be sucessful if there's a next time. the right thing to say is that i'm confident in myself, my relationships, my abilities as a single/re-partnered mother. the right thing to say is that i've learned and i've changed and i'm happy and it's all been worth it. honestly, this experience has been THE single hardest thing i've ever been through in my life. i know the not right answer is that i'm going to ruin it before it ruins me. i look back at pictures of 'before', times when i thought i was happy - i was happy. was i happy? and i think 'gosh, i don't look that happy.' or maybe it's just easier to think i was unhappy. fuck, i don't know. i'm tired. more tomorrow.

on how, with music, you can be right back there in a blue convertable that your father owned for 10 days

so as you may have gathered from yesterday's post things were resolved with the tax man and i signed a form releasing the divorce case from dcss so that it can be resolved/finalized. when i asked the paralegal yesterday what else needs to be done she said, 'nothing. we'll send you the papers when we get them! it should be before friday.' i let out a little inadvertent giggle. 'really, that's it?' 'yep.' so there you have it. i guess, since i didn't burst into tears or something, i'm happy. not sad. not in shock. not confused. just happy. or content or something. i asked them to call me and let me know the day, nah the moment, they get the paperwork so i know which day to celebrate without having to wait until i get the papers. :)

also, i'm going to talk to bk about switching visitation to something a bit more traditional )an every other weekend thing with an overnight possibly). with p starting kindergarten next year, this late weeknight thing isn't really going to work. i hear tell that he and his girlfriend are planning to move (locally) into a less expensive place and i'm hoping hoping hoping that they choose something with some room for the kids. now that i'm convinced that he's a relatively stable, non-child theiving person, i'm beginning to want him to take on a slightly larger role in their lives. the kids spend the night at my mom's house and at my dad and step-mom's house with no problem whatsoever. i don't see why things would be any different at their dad's house, unless they're just not made to feel welcome. and therein lies the rub. let me just put this out there to the universe and whomever: i want bk to have a partner that loves and takes an interest in my children. i want someone who wants to meet me because i'm a reasonable and kind person. i want that for my kids because they're amazing people and they deserve as much love as possible in their lives. yah?

torrential downpour

dear property tax collector,

thank you for finally conceding that i don't owe you any money. while you appeared at first to be a little dense, you really came through for me in the end. i'm sorry if i scared you, but i thought it was a bit ridiculous that your own website showed record of my having payed all my taxes and you couldn't access the site from your super-duper-special-government-controlled computer. in any case, it's resolved now and i hope our two paths shall never cross again.

love,
me

dear lawyer (aka the wizard of oz),

thank you for finally resolving my divorce. i am so pleased to hear that everything will be final before friday. for reals this time. pleasepleaseplease tell me that there's money left from my retainer as i did much of the legwork. honestly, the paralegal told me that i am the 'golden client' of the office when i left today. howsabout you show me just how golden i was. and after that i hope our two paths shall never cross again.

cordially,
me

back home

bright orange sledding at four
drove home in the rain
with fists full of tacos
lots to grade and blog
still have a cold

packages on our counter
a happy blue pashmina
birthstone earrings
xoxo heather
now: zzzzzz

argggggghhhhh

dear county tax collector,

you cannot make me pay the property taxes for the year BEFORE we purchased the house. please don't stall my divorce because someone else owes you money. it really isn't my problem as i pay my property taxes every year and on time.

sincerely,
celeste

FUUUCK! how is this the most complicated divorce ever? not only do they want me to pay the taxes for the dead lady that owned our parcel before us, they want us to pay a year in advance (2009/2010) as a pentalty!

(mostly) final product

still looks dry and a bit inflamed but you get the idea...

5 year olds are wonky and other 'no duhs'

went and got my tattoo finished today. [this session (about 2.5 hours) was free (ben did the deposit ages ago) in case anyone is worried.] my back looks incredible and i have an appointment in july to start talking to jeff croci about a half sleeve on my right arm. this shop is awesome and it was a pleasure to visit with orly, toby, blake, and all the randoms over the many hours i spent there. pictures tomorrow when i can wash off the goop and photograph. highly recommend! (thank you heather for babysitting! that was awesome.)

the kids went with their dad last night. they came home acting like the ate crack-flakes, which is not terribly unusual. while cuddling up on the couch with d, lorenzo confessed that he'd gotten two timeouts at daddy's house. not terribly surprising as he'd gotten a couple earlier in the day from me (he is VERY two right now). i asked him what he did and miss p explained that he got a timeout for eating with his fingers. *scratches head* hmm. this is a first. r used to be so laid back, the calmer one of the two of us. but now, with a really high end apartment, and high end (?) girlfriend, and not much time with the kids in the past two years, he's gotten rather...anal retentive? touchy? sensitive to dirt? the whole thing made me rather uncomfortable to be honest. granted i didn't hear the story from an adult but still...two year olds eat with their fingers. at least here they do. it isn't a big deal to us. and i'm torn. do i say something to r? i obviously can't dictate what he does at his house. but he is responsive to suggestions. ugh. this co-parenting in two households crap is so complicated.

last, but not least: if you hurry, we can still ship you chocolate in time for valentine's day (extra shipping may apply, depending where you are)! want a custom box put together? send me an email and i'd be more than happy to work something out! trust me on dad's figs and ben's latest berry bar. da-yum girls...

fluff-tastic

INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Put your iPod or other music player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the NEXT button to get your answer.
3. You MUST write it down, even if it's lame.
4. Share it.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
killing me softly - the fugees
[sounds about right]

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
running your mouth - the notorious b.i.g.
[HA! hahahahahaha]

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
someone to talk to - the police
[woop, there it is]

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
ski mask way - 50 cent
[yes, d uploaded these songs]

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
b.i.b.l.e. (basic instructions before leaving earth) - genius
[HA! that'll be the day!]

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
super disco breakin' - beastie boys
[after last weekend? maybe so!]

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN?
when we ride - 2pac
[bentley, beyotch...]

WHAT IS 2+2?
no jumper cables - aesop rock
[seriously questioning d's taste in music at this point]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
can't stand losing you - the police
[but in a totally platonic way]

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
suffer the right - groundation
[preachin' to the choir man, preachin' to the choir]

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP??
ready or not - fugees
[aight, i'll take that]

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE??
the soul cages - sting
[that is SO deep man]

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
the kangaroo rat - beastie boys
[oh my god! wtf does that mean?]

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
why georgia - john mayer
[john mayer is kinda perfect for weddings but maybe not THIS song?]

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
or wah - capleton
[i don't have a flippin' clue what that means or what/who the hell this song is about. actually, i don't even know who the band is either...]

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
belief - john mayer
[better than religion, yeah, i'll go with that]

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?nothing achieving - the police
[fuck you iTunes. seriously, FUCK you.]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
message in a bottle - john mayer
[is this thing stuck on corny or what?]

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
in repair - JOHN MOTHER-FUCKING MAYER
[again, but good song.]

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
blast your radio - living legends
[is it even possible to die from broken ear drums? this song would point to yes.]

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
man on the side - john mayer is the only person on my iPod?
[i am not a crook.]

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
family business - the fugees
[what ISN'T family business?]

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
starshine - gorillaz
[have i been sleep-drinking again?]

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
fuck you tonight - the notorious b.i.g.
[um, is that a 'no'?]

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
chocolate ty - defari
[OMG]

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
want more - bob marley and the wailers
[it's just never enough for you, is it celeste?]

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
fall out - the police
[wow. more deepness.]

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
we're famous - aesop rock
[yeah, it does hurt to be famous but what really hurts is this song.]

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
you - radiohead
[that wouldve been a much better answer for something else...]


on my way to my last tattoo session. bring it peeps. i'm feeling hostile today.

the one where lorenzo unleashes fireants all over the house -OR- my birthday went a little something like this

stayed here at the hyatt grand. went to the gold dust lounge, which apparently has no website. and then here to 1015 folsom, which was hosting burning man night. we may have been a teensy bit overdressed but boy are 1200+ hippy ravers in a three story warehouse techno club an awesome sight. 1st breakfast (4am) at lori's diner. and the next day we went to delancey street for real breakfast. and of course, to good vibes for well, good vibes...


d was feeling...reflective?

meme pulled it all off.

dan, um, brought several people.

d and i were number one. yes, both of us.

d gave meme a piggy back ride.

where else to eat at 4.30 am?

i woke up to this view from the hotel room...28th floor.

please don't divorce us

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

i signed the petition on the courage campaign website.

p.s. i read the blog of one of the couples near the beginning of the video!

the one where today is my BIRTHDAY!

i'm just sayin' is all.

barrel of monkeys

i have all this fluff stuff to talk about and also 'deeper' shit too. so consider this a bit bi-polar (but not in the psychological sense, eh?)

1) d got me these cute crocs last night when we were out. and just now, when i looked them up online to find a picture, i discovered they're called 'celeste canvas' which is sort of sweet and meant to be. i guess if i was a shoe this would be me? top that asshats!



2) did i mention that tomorrow is my 27th birthday? i'm not one of those people who is scared of thirty, at all. i'm finally getting to be the age that i feel like i am. like, grownup-y. so, 'woo' that. my twenties have been eh, up and down. i'm banking on the fact that my 30's are gonna be where it's at, in a sort of beck where it's at way.

3) lorenzo is screaming like a crazed chimpanzee from the bathroom.

4) i enrolled miss p in kindergarten this afternoon. they didn't even bat an eye at her vaccine & tb test waivers. (yes, i'm one of those moms.) we'll hopefully know by april if we got into the charter school or if we'll be on the waiting list. i can't believe my little girl is starting big girl school. now it's time to boot 'renzo the terrible off to preschool.

5) so yeah, yesterday. *whew* after immense immense buildup our divorce papers have finally been signed BY BOTH OF US. wow, i know, right? what a flippin' anti-climax. either i just don't care anymore or it hasn't sunk in yet. we met yesterday at his lawyer's office, me with the kids in tow (no viable alternatives). and with 'renzo on bk's lap and parker on mine, we signed our papers with very little drama. his lawyer composed a quick letter to my lawyer, sealed everything up and handed it to me to deliver, which i did - immediately. the receptionist took it from me and said she'd mail me a copy when it was processed. and just like that, it's out of my/our hands. on it's way to being a done deal. no six month waiting period as he filed in april 2007. like i said, i'm feeling relatively little about it. i think i don't believe it yet.

oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god

signed, sealed, delivered: i'm mine!

the short & sweary version

bk has been trying to get in touch with his lawyer since last friday so we can go and sign the goddamn papers. she finally called this afternoon and basically threatened to hold our divorce papers hostage until he pays her a significant amount of money (thousands?). seriously WHAT THE FUCK people? first off bitch, there are other people being affected by this (ME and my CHILDREN). second, when you take on a client who is in a serious amount of debt and owes in excess of $10k child support, what the hell do you expect? third, get in line dummy. he owes a lot of people money and you are behind us.

he smoothed things over in some regard and we have an appointment tomorrow at 11am to sign supposedly. i hope. we'll see. ya'll can whack me with a stick if it really happens. shit, ya'll can whack me with a stick if it doesn't happen. i obviously deserve a good whacking for some of the decisions i've made over the past dozen or so years!

the one where i'm all that and a bag of celery sticks with a tiny tupperware of ranch dressing

25 random things about me note from facebook yes i'm annoying and trendy and that unoriginal

1. while i luuuurve making and selling (!) chocolate i am kind of over eating it. shhh don't tell. i typically only really dip into the stuff we've just started making (right now it's those goddamn almonds).
2. i have a phobia of blonde women. truly. (but not you heather.) i guess my real fear is running into miss bk (who remember, i've never actually met) when i'm least expecting it, hair all asunder, unshaven, sloppily clad, screaming at the kids or something. thankfully they don't slum it at safeway or target! ;)
3. it turns out i'm kind of outgoing. this surprises me immensely. i think i'm a pretty kick ass hostess too. i like having our friends over to the house; bonus if they crash here and make the house feel all cozy. i like talking with people that i don't really know that well and being in new situations.
4. i have a recurring dream that my teeth are being knocked out, chipped, or coming loose. it freaks me out and i think that it's real. every. single. time.
5. i used to be really really extremely anal retentive about losing things. stupid stuff like the kids' toys that even they don't give a crap about. i've gotten over it, almost completely. but when i get really stressed i kind of fall back into it.
6. about six years ago i heard a crappy recording of a recording of a live recording of jason mraz. same with jack johnson. i feel partly responsible for their success. i'm waiting for jm to call me and thank me for helping him get on snl last saturday.
7. other than amanda and emily, all of my closest friends have been men.
8. really? only number 8?
9. i enjoy drinking wine & beer. BUT, i could live my life happily without another drop of alcohol ever. apparently i didn't get that gene.
10. my favorite movie is empire records. rico and i watched it about 20 times in a row when we were in middle school. not cinematic genius but so...on time for where we were.
11. i'm definitely done having babies. my heart may change it's mind at some point but i've made a logical and well thought out decision NOT to have any more. i think i've got all i can reasonably handle and i'm really looking forward to the next stages.
12. i've run two marathons and a half marathon with team in training. i was pregnant with parker when i ran the half.
13. i hate running.
14. i don't vaccinate my kids.
15. i believe that people should have sex before marriage.
16. there are several pieces of artwork in this house that have been done by my friends. paintings by ben and emily. a drawing by amanda. sculptures by my mom and bk.
17. i am really really really bad at remembering names. but pretty good with faces. wait who are you again?
18. i'm a very bad gardener but i have amazing abilities with succulents and cactus. m'kay?
19. i haven't had my hair cut in a nice salon since high school. i go to the cheapy next door to the mexican restaurant place or my mom or ben or my brother's gf for haircuts.
20. i like the person i am today better than the person i was three years ago.
21. i'd love to live in a big city: san francisco, paris, amsterdam, sydney.
22. i have absolutely no understanding of football whatsoever. not even the basics.
23. i eat a pretty high fat diet. lots of butter and olive oil and avocados. thanks nourishing traditions.
24. i love to wear fishnet stockings.
25. i left my bra in a very nice restaurant on nye because it was WAY uncomfortable.

and another with only one word like this one

• where is your cell phone? armrest
• your significant other? snoring
• your hair? twist
• your mother? school
• your father? chocolate
• your favorite thing? baths
• your dream last night? teeth
• your favorite drink? coffee
• your dream/goal? anthropology
• what room you are in? livingroom
• your hobby? writing
• your fear? leaving
• regrets? nope
• where were you last night? here
• muffins? chocolate
• wish list item? fishnets
• where you grew up? california
• last thing you did? bedtime
• what are you wearing? jeans
• your TV? dvr
• your pets? cat
• friends? yes
• your life? really?

Chocolate & Caramel Dipped Figs

right here....!