the second date

b and i went and saw 1408 this afternoon. (wasn't as terrifying as i was hoping but entertaining none-the-less). i picked him up at his house and met his parents (both very nice). he bought our tickets and popcorn (we shared). after the show we went and got sandwiches (both got turkey and avocado) (he insisted on paying) and had nice conversation . then we went and got drinks at peet's. i took him back to his house and he invited me in (don't worry this is still a rated pg relationship) to meet his dog paisley.

while at his house i learned that:

he has a HUGE collection of books. his room was actually littered with books, mostly philosopy but also cooking and art books. he is apparently an avid reader (YAY). very well-versed and spiritual but not pretentious or anything.

he's also an artist. he paints watercolors and does pastels. i was admiring a beautiful drawing of some koi that he did and he took it down off the wall and gave it to me (i'll post a post of photo of it later).

as i mentioned he's cooks. he also let me try some of his homemade organic chocolate macaroons (YUM). he's very into local and organic and makes chocolate.



he wants to see me again. i can't even believe it. when i left today i felt totally calm. he's a very easy person to be around and if nothing else we'll definately be friends. but hooray.

pleeeeeease can i have a zorse?

it's a zebra. it's a horse. it's both!

this somehow slipped the blog

have i mentioned that my mom and the kids and i are leaving (from california) tuesday (at six am) for washington dc? we're frantically trying to get everything together before we have to go.

my friend is getting married in baltimore on the 07.07.07 at 7.00 pm (how cool is that?) but plane tickets were cheaper to the capital. we're going to be there for the 4th of july and 'renzo's first birthday. i'm SO excited. we're staying in alexandria which is across the river in virginia.

anyone been and have any "must have" sights, retaurants or activities they want to share?

loss number eleventy-seven

i just had to downgrade my money market savings account to a "goal" account. i can't be sure i'll be able to maintain my required balance. actually, i'm sure i can't. goodbye fantastic interest rate. i've been so careful. i've been saving for a trip to sicily with my family.

dear r,

i'm so angry for all the things you've taken from us.

cordially,
me a.k.a. the best thing you used to have going for you

join team snark!

on a whim i just registered a team ("still snarky", it's MY team okay?) for the san francisco aids walk. the event takes place on sunday july 15th. i'm looking for teammates to walk with us (dad? maria? leslie? amanda? natalie? austin? lauren? mike you wanna drive up for your hamster that weekend? mom and the kids are already committed whether they like it or not...) i'm of course also looking for money, honey! details as soon as i get my fundraising page!

crab salad sandwich ala "yum-o"

that annoying yum-o thing reminds me that i have to say dear lord, rachel ray is overexposed and irritating. if you type "rac" into the intuitive google tool bar it brings up rachel ray. not raccoon. not race. not racket or any other word that has been around way longer. a search for rachel ray brings up 2.3 MILLION hits (including some racy photo-shopped pictures - yikes). she has a talk show, several cooking shows, a magazine, a dozen or more cookbooks, and her face is on my triscuits. she uses white girl cooking slang like evoo (extra virgin olive oil, how hard is it to say?) according to rachel, her most trusted kitchen tool is her can opener. "i cut myself a lot--but not when i'm chopping. it usually happens when i'm holding a knife and talking with my hands!"

ok now for my recipe. made up today and incredibly, made in UNDER thirty minutes! i know - they should give me a show! we'll call it "how to fight off your children while making a meal on a wic budget that must be eaten in under ten minutes before the baby needs his nappy changed." it's catchy!

open-faced crab salad sandwich melts

1 can wild caught crab meat
1/2 red bell pepper chopped
a few green onions chopped
dollop of mayonase
dollop of pickle relish
squirt of dijon mustard
salt (or seasoned salt) to taste

mix it all up.
spread it on some bread.
top with:

1 can of green chilies
sliced monterey jack cheese
place under broiler until cheese is bubbly and turning golden brown.

now, jamie oliver (the naked chef) - there is a celebrity chef i could get behind. and before someone else says it : or under. haha.

yum-o indeed.

calm down people

i already have a lawyer. okaye? ;o)

does love (er, regular sex) make people crazy?

apparently.

monday, aproximately 8.30. r has the kids (both!) i'm at the mall trying to get some shorts for our d.c. trip.

r: yeah, so, i think i'm gonna head home pretty soon.
me: ok.
r: i have to work tomorrow morning. at nine.
me: yeah. ok.

later...11ish. i'm at the computer trying to pay bills. i text r.

me: you still up?
r: *no answer but my phone tells me he's picked up the message*
me: um, i have a money question and i'd like to talk.
r: *no answer*
me: *calls him, no answer*

ten minutes later.

r: i'm at the movies. what's up?

what's up? what's up? just grow some frickin' balls and tell me the truth instead of lying to me is what's up. okay? i don't care that you go to the movies. I. DON'T. CARE. i don't care that you have a girlfriend. ME NO WANT YOU. got it? so stop lying you ass face.

okay.

tonight. 5pm. he calls me.

r: hi, i'm calling to see what parker wants for dinner. um, i've got dinner plans at 8. so i'll be leaving around 7.30.
me: *head explodes as i realize that my plans to build my dad's website are out the door*
me: ok.

5.40, he arrives.

me: i had plans. give me some warning next time.
r: ok.
me: hey, you're not in your work clothes. *AGAIN* did you work today?
r: no

so you cancelled our mediation so you could d*ck around with ow? really? 'cause i was under the impression that our kids were supposed to take priority over your sex life. oh no? that rule only applies to me? ohhhh. okay. glad we cleared that up. ass face.

fidelity

do you think humans are meant to pair for life? i mean is it biologically realistic? (mike, this is your cue. emily, since you are getting married in less than TWO weeks i'll let you off the hook! oh dear god, i'm sorry emmy, you and andy ARE meant to pair for life, we know that for sure! =D ) anyway. it seems that if we are at all like other living beings (we are right, on the most basic levels?) that our main goals are to eat, sleep and reproduce. for men this means impregnating as many women as possible. for women this means controlling our resources or the source of our resources (men, lots of the time) to ensure that our offspring will survive. does this mean men and women are genetically at odds with each other in terms of goals? does it take a really special, or specially evolved, man not to cheat? should mating for life be a goal for humankind? i dunno. i think i may be a sceptic.

hello reality, where have you been?

*gah* back to the money woes and arguing. r took yesterday off of work and picked up tomorrow so we have to reschedule our mediation.

my car wasn't maintained while r had it and i just had $920 worth of work done on it. he wants me to use "my" money to fix it. or put it on a credit card "like everyone else." i have managed my money very well since he left (like always). why should i be punished because he is thousands of dollars in debt? tell me, why!? he's dicking me around about the number we settled on months ago because he doesn't want to work so hard. he says i need to get a job. he seems to think everyone in my life is going to babysit our children (for free) so he can work less AND not pay for daycare. right.

i am visualizing money coming freely into my life. money is heading my way SOON. r is a reasonible and kind human being (somewhere, very deep - work with me people). he is capable of finding a better job. he is going to find a better job before august 15th. when he works less, for more money, the pressure will be lifted from us both. we will be kinder to each other because we won't be so stressed. okaye?

hey superman:

as the resident male...where are you with your man insights? don't tell me you have a life outside of checking my blog?!

i'm like woody allen, except for the weird marrying my child thing

now the honest part. i'm totally insecure and neurotic. i'm relieved because i've thought less (read: not every single waking moment and most dreaming ones as well) about r in the last few days than i have since he left. but. i've been thinking (read: obsessing) about my date with b since it ended.

did i say the wrong things? was i creepy? was i too crunchy? did i talk too much? was i too forward? did i seem as desperate as i feel sometimes? did i come on too strong? not strong enough? should i have waited a few days to bring up the movie thing? did he just feel sorry for me? would a guy ask for a second date if he didn't want one? is he going to cancel on me for the movies on saturday? oh my god, did i ruin things by text messaging him today? should i wait and let him initiate contact next time? was he being polite by not jumping my bones or was he not attracted to me? is anyone anywhere going to want to jump my bones ever again? will the lactating stretch-marky tube-sock boobs gross men out? will i ever operate from a place of true confidence not just bravado?

i'm terrified to be rejected by this guy who i don't even really know yet. ok? that's it. i'm so scared to be burned like i was. i'm scared that i'll like him and he won't like me. or he will like me, for a while. and then he'll get bored and leave me for someone else who has fewer children (read: none) and more flexible. and then where will i be? i can't count on my dad to get me dates forever.

but. BUT, i want to thank the universe for this one lovely date with b. because it is the first thing that has felt like the beginning of my (our the kids too really) new life instead of a clinger-on-er from the old life that is slowly making its way through the courts. so thank you universe. bring it on. i can take it.

the (not so) gory details

i went out with a guy from my dad's work. he asked my dad for my number. i'll call him b, um, 'cause what his name starts with. anyway.

he picked me up, opened my door for me, and drove us over to capitola for sushi. i felt comfortable enough that i switched from my cute date high heels to my flip-flops. conversation was easy. he opened my door for me, put my sushi on my plate for me, paid but didn't make me feel like i needed to be uber-feminine or anything. i ate a normal (big) portion of sashimi and drank a beer out of the bottle. he took me for ice cream afterwards and then we went to the boardwalk and went on a roller-coaster and the haunted house ride (exhilarating first date eh?). we sat on the beach for 20 minutes and then he drove me home. he touched the small of my back (i forgot about that part back there) and hugged me goodnight.

we may go to the movies on saturday. apparently the talk about homebirth didn't scare him off.

he's a smart guy. really into philosophy. he makes chocolate. he's 26. cute. casual, not into the "scene." in other words we won't be going to the "row" (thank god). he reads (BIG plus). and he's really funny and seemed to get my sense of humor. *oy*

i think i like him. i mean, i do like him but all i have to compare to is how r has been treating me for the last 7 months. i don't want to get seriously involved with someone just because they're nice to me. i'm unwilling to settle.

i expected to feel guilty when i went out, like i was somehow betraying r. i didn't. i realized how mad i am that he isn't doing his part with the kids. that he has the nerve to complain about not having enough time to spend with ow. do you know how hard it has been to find a day that works to go to a movie? working around b's schedule and parker's camp schedule and r's schedule? ack.

thank you cloudspinning.

what i really meant to say was:

"if your husband is cheating on you, it doesn't mean that you need to get prettier--it means he's a scumbag."

and

i swear i'll never go this long without blogging ever again. i missed y'all. you guys need to see me through this next phase. ya know, so you can say you knew me before my fabulous book deal.

count 'em

there are EIGHT hamster babies. EIGHT. EIGHT. they are so cute. pictures soooooon. i mean it.

i went on a DATE!

and i had so much fun. he took me over to the beach for sushi, ice cream and a couple of rides at the boardwalk. easy to talk to, easy to look at. it was fun. i was myself and i think he may have actually LIKED me. dating isn't so hard after all. i have more to tell but the mother-frigging internet situation is still a situation.

yeah.

spotty

sorry for the spotty posting to the blog. my internets are all down because my wireless modem died and i feel like i'm living in a dark internetsless hole. so sad. curse you, att 2 wire modem and your 10 day wait to cancel and re-sign up period. curse you!

whew. so r canceled the visit today. he had stuff to do. four days off and stuff to do. you know, stuff not involving the children. *yawn* this is so last week...

parker is doing really well at camp. i'm so freakin' proud of her i can't even stand it. she stayed the whole three hours (minus 20 minutes) and she did great. she's made friends and though she has a hard time when i drop her off, it's getting easier every day. i'll post pictures later.

um. i can't confirm this but i think i may be going out on friday. with a human of the opposite gender. this is, how you say? date? you know what this means right? right? i have to shave my legs and pluck my brows! crapper! *runs*

oh yeah, happy father's day

r came over on saturday. he was 40 minutes late (at least he called) and only stayed for about an hour and a half. he didn't thank me for the portraits i had done of the kids, the snowglobe i let parker pick out from the thrift store, or the handprint t-shirt i facilitated. yeah. (and no, he didn't ever get me anything for mother's day.) p was SO excited. she got all dressed up and had grammy fix her hair special. she was pretty deflated and clingy after about 10 minutes with him (texting supposedly about work).

we never heard from him yesterday. the "ow" is having rhinoplasty today so i suspect we may not hear from him tonight either. he took yesterday, today and tomorrow off but cancelled his visits until wednesday.

miss p had her first day of summer camp today! she did pretty well, i stayed about half the time. we'll see how she does tomorrow.

OH i almost forgot. there are WAY MORE than three baby hamsters. like, at least six or seven. they're starting to come out of the nest so i'll post a picture and a headcount when i get a chance.

whaddaya know, he called. miss p didn't want to talk to him and he didn't ask about her first day of camp or how any of us are doing (tired).

anyway

to continue. i don't know what the signs were. he seemed depressed since 'renzo was born, maybe a little bit earlier. he'd go in and out of seeming like himself. he seemed tired and overwhelmed- like me ... i thought it was the new baby. but when he was joyful he seemed to be actually joyful. i knew that the drinking was becoming a problem. honestly i think (looking back) it had been a problem for quite some time. he was never superficial or shallow. i think that's a defense mechanism, he's transparent now.

what sparked the change? i think he felt trapped, in too deep, overwhelmed by the responsibilty of being a father of two at age 25. i think the circumstances (meeting at 14, my cancer at 16, marriage at 20, babies at 21 and 24 and finally the restaurant/bar environment he worked in during the last 5 years) stacked the odds against us. i was willing to push through this. he wasn't. add to that an attractive (blech) woman who is NOTHING like me (single, blond, lots of makeup, not at ALL crunchy, no interest in kids, party-type) and we were doomed i guess.

i suspect he'll find the grass is just more nose-jobby and equally naggy on the other side. :o) cheers!

featured quote

This r person seems really superficial and hedonistic. The questions I have for you are these: Was he always like this ? What were the earliest signs ? What do you think happened to make him that way ? If he is superficial and shallow what were you doing with him ? IS there something about you that might be attracted to the 'bad boy' or the unobtainable carefree type ? - gentleman scholar

this was a really interesting comment and i'd love for some of the people that have known r and me to speak to the questions.

from my point of view, no, he was not always like this. at all. he was a very easy-going, caring, selfless, and comfortable in his own skin kind of guy. i'm not at ALL attracted to bad boys...i am such a practical person, especially since i've had kids.

oops, gotta come back to this.

bob day, number eleventy-seven

we had a two hour appointment with bob this morning and i think we are in agreement on the finances. sort of. in any case we haven't settled on a number but we're getting closer.

the second hour revolved around the ow. bob was very much in agreement with me that the way new partners are introduced is very delicate and potentially disruptive. that it is way too soon and a year is a very reasonable minimum at this point. bob also said that p is no dummy and she'll sense that the ow is more than just a friend (in other words lying to her is a lame option).

r kept up his mantra: "that's unrealistic. that's arbitrary." not, i love this woman, she will be positive in the kids' lives. not i understand your concerns and i want to do what's in the best interest of our precious children. just, "that's unrealistic." he thinks i won't be able to hold myself to the same standards. that i'm just doing this to be "stubborn" and i'm going to be pissed when i realize that i've "backed myself into a corner" since i "have the kids 95% of the time."

he also seems to think i'm not going to be able to find a man who is willing to wait around for a year before meeting my kids. and of course, i'm not charming enough or smart enough or pretty enough that a guy will understand that maybe i can only see him once a month. "it's just unrealistic." no. just because YOU don't want me doesn't mean someone else won't either. (keep your damn mouth shut gentleman scholar.) in fact, the only man i want in my life is one that is willing to be second in my life, behind my kids. m'kay?

r keeps saying he wants to consolidate the four most important things in his life (working, his kids, fishing, and the ow (yes, sadly, in that order)). poor baby, he doesn't have enough free time. cause you know, between my clubbing night, my bridge night, my date night, my movie night, and my manicures/massages i barely have ANY free time. a little credit would go a long way...something along the lines of, "oh, thank you for raising our kids for me so that i can take care of really important stuff like knocking boots with my new girlfriend!"

boo-ya!

attention knitters & crocheters:

have you noticed that linky over there on the left? you know, down there below the cactus picture.


<-- <-- <--- over thatta way. and you remember how i told you about the two women in our circle who were diagnosed with ovarian cancer? well my mom has started a project to make them each an afghan. something beautiful and cozy. something that YOU can contribute to.

click the link. you know you want to. click the link. cliiiiick the liiiink.

oh my.

we got a hamster a few days ago. this morning when i left there was one hamster. this afternoon there are (at least) THREE. two of them are tiny and pink. i do believe we adopted a pregnant hamster.

pictures to follow.

okay, there are at least three babies.

purification

i drew the "purification" card from my mom's deck of angel cards. recognize these? they pop up a lot.

--> --> --> --> --> --> -->

anyway, i'm hoping to draw one daily (meaning a few times a week or when i can shake the kids off my legs). maybe they'll point me in a new direction. at the very least they'll send me on a wild goose chase on the internets, something that always distracts me and brings me joy.

okay, so i drew purification.

maybe these quotes were meant for me:

solitude is the place of purification. -martin buber

purification of the mind is is attained through humility, integrity, and a sense of justice. -sri sathya sai baba

the soul's impurity consists in bad judgments, and purification consists in producing in it right judgments, and the pure soul is one which has right judgments. -epictetus

ooh and this is a purification mandala from this website. sacred geometry anyone? don't you feel better already? *sigh*

at bay

we are not strangers to ourselves; we only try to be. -koontz

infected minds to their deaf pillows will discharge their secret. -shakespeare

i'm feeling that groggy not-quite depressed feeling of holding depression just barely at bay. i feel desperate to be somewhere other than where i am and frustrated that i don't have the means (monetary, physical, emotional) to get there. i'm trying to focus on positivity but there is so much in my mind that i think it is being crowded out. i want to plan. i want to know where i will be tomorrow, next month, in ten years. i want something to look forward to. i'm lonely. i miss conversation that doesn't revolve around what has happened, is happening still.

depression runs in my family (on my mom's side). i am living proof that heredity is stronger than force of will. i was diagnosed with depression shortly after i finished my cancer treatment (seven years ago?) i've been on (varying doses of) anti-depressants ever since. i've also done therapy from time to time. this is different for me because my depression in the past has been chemical, not situational. i had bad ppd after parker's birth and a milder version of the same after mr. baby was born. this seems to be depression borne out of circumstance.

finally, some good news

my std tests all came back negative. thank god for small favors.

turkey talk

one thing i've missed since having to worry about finances is the ability to grocery shop for local, organic and free range foods. whole foods is outside of my budget at the moment. *waa* i've been forced to take a closer look at safeway and acutally, i've been pleasantly surprised at what i've found. their organic line is expanding like crazy and for the most part is really affordable. our local safeway carries whole organic chickens even.

yesterday when looking in the deli section i found that hormel makes an all natural line of deli meats and uncured bacon, with NO preservatives, nitrates or nitrites. good price too. we bought some of deli turkey meat and it was purty good! yay for mainstream companies offering healthy choices for conscientious customers. and incidentally, hormel seems to be quite the contributor to the dnc. ;o)

sorry

okay, that may have been uncalled for.

i'm just so tired of being scared and tired.

grief is a solitary footrace
i am un-loving you, sprinting
towards a sweaty finish-line
you languish, rot and grow
smaller - the closer i get

(c) celeste mylastname 2007

liar

r came over this morning at 11.00 to see the kids. i asked him if he had to leave at 1.00 so he could be at work by 2.00. "yes." he took p. declined to take 'renzo. he left at 1.10. i told him to have a good night at work. "ok."

he called me 5 minutes ago to say hi to parker. she didn't want to talk. it was quiet (for a bar), i asked him if he was at work. "no." oh, you took the night off? "yeah."

super dad? my cellulited (is that a word?) ass. he's going to die if he doesn't see his kids more? right. has he no interest in his kids except when they can make him look good to his girlfriend? what is the point of lying to me anymore? why? i never thought i could feel so little tenderness for him. dear god my children have half his genes. fuck that.

thank you and sorry. i think i may have just channeled my grandmother who taught me how to swear. hi grandma! *waves*

i almost forgot

doh! r's mom came down on friday morning to watch the kids because r neglected to tell her that we didn't have an appointment. i invited her to stay for a while. she played with the kids while i got some bills paid and cleaned up a bit around the house. when r got there she invited the kids and i up to the house to visit with her and stbx-fil, "have a bbq, like we used to". NO WAY. she did this right in front of him. i almost peed myself with joy. r was not included in the invitation.

the sunday slows

how swift are the feet of the days of the years of youth. -mark twain

yesterday my mom and the kids and i went to the annual homebirth families' reunion that my midwife hosts at a park near her house. we had a really nice time, visited with families that we haven't seen in a year. parker bounced herself silly in a jumping house that was at the park (intended for a baseball carnival). lorenzo even took a turn (with my mom's help). i enjoyed a slice of the richest most yummiest chocolate cake ever.

r never called yesterday. he has parker right now, was really tired and out of it seeming when he walked down here to my mom's to get her. i offered to keep 'renzo while he napped. i told him i could call him when he woke up or just keep him with me so he could just be with parker. he's spending the time with parker. i don't know whether to push him. he says he wants to be a better dad. but he's not there.

i'm feeling panicky after everything that happened last week, like i'm waiting for something else to happen. i really need to focus my energy on positive outcomes so i don't have to live scared all the time.

oy, i'll upload the rest of the pictures from the trip when i get home later.

the camping trip!

okaye! the hellish week is drawing to a close and i'd like to reflect for a moment on the awesome camping trip we took to san simeon state park. we camped in the upper campground and could hear/see the ocean from our tent. we also had a lovely view of the hills and a marshy area where a fawn came to drink every night. we took walks, sat for hours on the beach collecting (and one of us may have ingested) beautifully smooth stones, visited seal beach and saw the harems and their pups, managed to pick the one FREE day of the year to visit hearst castle. we of course ate the best campfire cooking my dad had to offer (seriously people, we eat better camping than most other people do at home).


note the gigantuarness of the tent next to lorenzo. mom, the kids and i slept in there with the dog. you can spot the marsh in the background. the ocean is behind me.


mr. baby and i check out the scenery. dear mr. and ms. ergo, thank you for creating the ergo. please may i join you in hawaii now to demonstrate my gratefulness for the aforementioned ergo lovelyness?


mom and three of the eleventy-bazillion rocks we brought home. seriously, half the beach. my loot found a new watery home with lorenzo napoleon champo angelido beta (the name parker bestowed on the new fish).


p scales mt. beachmore with a little help from papa vince.


back with more later!

where have i been?

postage stamps increased in price again?

the "ow" factor

i feel i need to speak to the "ow" (other woman) factor. there have been several comments about her. i don't blame her. i blame r. i think she is using very poor judgement to get involved with a man with a wife (YES r, we are STILL married) and two small children. but ultimately, this is r's doing. the issue of introducing her to the kids doesn't really have anything to do with the affair or my feelings about it. our daughter is still reeling from the changes that have already happened. she doesn't need the grown-ups in her life complicating the situation further. she doesn't need to form an attachment (right now) to a woman who may or may not be around later on.

"everything has got to change."

r just called me and demanded that everything change. that he will not continue to work as much as he is and he'll watch the kids while i get a part time job. that he wants to be a good dad and he can't be because he's too tired. he says his mom will watch the kids for 4-6 hours one day a week and my parents will do the same. he'll "die" if he has to do this anymore. literally die. i panicked. completely. told him i'm not getting a job but begged him not to disrupt parker's stability any more. i got completely ruffled and i'm so upset with myself. i told him i'd take out a loan to give him his portion of the equity in the house. he can have his fucking money. he has me so scared all the time about the kids that i've lost all ability to think straight. i'm terrified that if i get a lawyer and go to court i'll risk losing more time and they'll impose overnights for the kids. what the hell do i do?

he told me he is unable to communicate with me in any other manner because of how i've set up patterns in the past. that he doesn't know any other way than to call and make demands but "yeah, he probably could have asked me for help in a nicer way."

lo estan demandando

just focus on the new fish. focus on the new fish. live in the new fish moment. the new fish will make you happy. the new fish will distract you from the rubble.

our fish napoleon (a beautiful 2.5 year old beta) died the day before we went out of town camping. parker and i buried him in the yard and i took the opportunity to do a brief overview of death, loss, the inability to replace the things that we've lost, even if we get new things. you know, like fathers. and faith in the goodness of humankind. so tonight we got a new fish and here i am trying to distract myself from today's casualties.

it was awful. i don't know what i expected. i mean, i survived it but it sucked. i was served, caught off guard right as i was getting comfortable with the mediator. i cried when i swore i wouldn't. but i suppose i lived through it. we figured out what we're doing about the car. we are getting the house appraised and i'll likely be buying him out of his half. he's nickel and diming me about support. he doesn't seem to think it is his responsibilty. and he's upset because he has no money. but look at me, i'm rollin' in it. i burn money to keep warm at night because i don't have enough room to store all the cash. *sarcasm*

he will not back down on the issue of introducing the kids to the "other woman." (shall we take a vote on how to refer to her like they do on perezhilton? "ow" seems somehow appropriate, eh? cause damn, that hurts. but then, brangelina has quite a ring to it too, doesn't it?) i will not back down either on this one. not because of who she is or how this happened but because i will not see miss p's heart further broken because it's "unrealistic" to wait. that is the big argument. that it's unrealistic because he only has so much free time and why shouldn't they all spend the time together like some happy fucking family? he says we don't have to tell parker who she is, just that she's daddy's friend. 'cause you know...she's deaf, dumb and blind. he claims to want more time with them. guess who cancelled on them again today? no call. no duh.

i survived

if barely. i'll be back to post after the kids are asleep.

oh yeah, the truth

the truth is you were right all along. he's seeing that woman from the bar. and he doesn't understand why it is a bad idea to introduce her to the kids. i'm at a loss for words i suppose. why did he finally cop to it the day before mediation? i think i'm too exhausted to be hurt anymore.

you are an indiscreet mess
she the swift kick, my chattering teeth
i have the best of you so
she can have the rest

(c) celeste mylastname 2007

the truth

crazy aunt purl said in yesterday's post:

"Not everyone is the same. But somewhere out there is a woman just like me who is wondering what she did to make him leave. She wonders why even bother? Why not just give up? "

and why not indeed? remind me that you are that woman and that somehow, sharing all this on the "interwebs" is not bringing shame to my family but instead helping you through a disaster.

dear god let me be infinitely eloquent; let me write until this stops hurting so much. let me show my children the meaning of dignity.

"like the velveteen rabbit my fur is in the process of being loved entirely off. "

by her.

and him.

we're off!

see ya'll monday. we're off camping!