so, it has been a week of ups and downs. one moment i'm thrilled with free new bras (one in particular that fits just perfectly), the next moment my incisions are sore and all i want to do is ace bandage myself and sleep. overall i'd say i'm more aesthetically pleased than i was last week. at this very moment, looking at pictures, i'm *so* content with the size. more projection would have been too much and less would have made me mourn my expanders (weird, i know). and i knew these foobs, as with all breasts, would be sisters, not twins. they most certainly are not twins.
i've been feeling emotional about this whole step, so much more so than i expected. it wasn't until i was talking to mara earlier in the week that i realized why. there was so much anticipation in the first (bmx) stage. there were weekly appointments for expansions and countdowns to exchange time. and now the exchange is done and they're lovely (but not perfect) and it feels over. and i don't know how to transition into someone who just loves her new foobs and isn't constantly medicalizing them. the truth is, i'm so much more comfortable in a doctor's office than i am in a salon. i remember the last day in clinic D when i finished my hodgkins treatment. it felt to me like being dumped. there was something so anticlimactic and devastating about spending all time/energy on one task and then having my oncologists say,
yeah, we don't need to see you for six months. this feels similar, but not nearly so severe.
to be honest, i am someone who has a very difficult time just living in the present. i am always leaning forward with my arms outstretched towards something in the not too distant future. i carry an actual paper date book in my purse and love flipping forward to see what's coming up (even though i also have an iphone). i have countdown clocks for things spectacular and mundane alike. i've worked to beat back over-planning and worry, to surrender control in the past five years. but certainly, this mastectomy was a huge act of control wasn't it? in this case, it's to help me stay healthy, but boy is it easy to fall back into old emotional habits.
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| starting to calm down a bit (well, not the veins. they get all excitable when anyone even *thinks* about my foobs.) i think the right side (my right side) is dropping a bit faster than the left. |
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| ah, go with the flow right foob. always just trying to do what's best. not even particularly smug anymore. |
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| ALB will not sink into its pocket quite yet. trouble. |
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| i didn't intend this ALB scar picture to be artsy, i'm just bad at self photography (danny is worse though). |
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| i'm curious to see where the scars are at once they've softened... |
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| see, like lots of other women with foobs, i can go braless in a dress with zero support. and since i have no nipples, i can even choose a flimsy fabric. |
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| to demonstrate the closer positioning and *slightly* more natural look of these foobs here i am in a bra that i wore during expansions. |
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| overall, prettttty satisfied. ;) |
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