Hi, this is MacGyver. We all know how these things work, so when you hear the beep, go for it.

snake & butterfly signed the kitchen lease today. SO exciting. the place is pristine. i've spent the entirety of the last two days packaging truffles and bars, consolidating, and getting ready to move stuff from mcglincey to dell. also, when i was at school today picking up grading, one of the teachers told me that he lived in ghana for a year and knows a cacao grower. the possibility of directly connecting with an organic/fair trade grower has been a goal of ours but one that we thought was a loooong way off. no more! i'm so excited to see how this plays out.

i'm almost finished reading the plague of doves by louise erdrich. really really enjoyed it and highly recommend it. "i wish that i could say on the night following our wedding i thought of only geraldine. but the crumbs in our bed and the honey in our tea reminded me of other times, and a different bed. i do not think it was disloyal of me to lie next to geraldine and recall that history, so sad in many ways. for at the same time i was quickened with wonder, and gratitude. and i was stung, i never thought that love would come my way again. i never thought i would love anyone but c."

and the very little dramz? d and i are at a high point, things are just gelling and i'm feeling this sense of being a team. wow, that's an awesome feeling. it's a choice we're both making every single day. there's really very little to say other than that i'm happy and content and fulfilled.
yay me. yay us.

mystery solved

things have friendlied up between bk and i again - for what reason, i don't know. he called a couple times during the past week just to chat. 'how are the kids? how are things with you and d? that's really cool that you guys got accepted to the farmers market.' i asked about trading days (sunday instead of saturday, since i'll be working the market on sundays). he wondered who would be with the kids if not him or me. 'd? my mom? a sitter?' i (stupidly) expected him to step right up. he said we can talk about it but that it's his only day off. we'll see how it pans out.

and the suitcase thing... turns out he was going to vegas to play cards with his dad. *shrugs* so what? why does he continue to feel the need to lie and say it's a business trip? i don't care. honestly, run up as MUCH debt as you want as long as you give me the child support. just STOP LYING.

didja feel it?

4.4 earthquake.

another reason i love this family

the baby in d. the ice cream sandwich eaters are heather and tommy - d's big sibs. (circa late 1981 early 1982 at the los angeles zoo)

because it's saturday

once twice three times a lady

we have company! d's mom and sister are in town this weekend. i spent a the whole day/night with his mom yesterday (d was in vegas for work) and i continue to adore this family more and more. rae and the kids and i spent some time at the mall and then went and had dinner at a belaggio since yesterday was her birthday. i'm going to reiterate to anyone in a serious relationship...your partner's family can make or break your relationship. this family is a 'make.' kind and supportive. check and check.

i found a pair of yellow shoes for the dress i got for my birthday. (i'm wearing it to my aunt & uncle's wedding next weekend). seriously, the color is the EXACT color of the darker yellow in the dress. woop. i luuurve nine west shoes and these were on sale at macy's plus i had a giftcard. double woop. i was also looking at these red shoes but thought they might be a little whore-ish for a carmel wedding (the heel is 4.5 inches with a 1.5 inch platform.) that said, i found them today at nordstrom's and have a giftcard there...think i might need a pair. what do ya'll think? ;)

as i mentioned briefly yesterday snake & butterfly got a new kitchen and it is AWESOME. you can't imagine what a difference a good kitchen makes... we also got a new bar mold. that one right over there. <--- we'll still be able to use the other three molds (which are awesome) but these are better because you'll be able to break off a square and share! ben's been messing around with a pretzel bar and a mango bar too. can't wait to be able to offer this stuff at the farmer's market. fondue with fresh organic strawberries anyone? oh, also on the horizon: the paradise chocolate fest on may 9th; come and see us!

redundancy

in case you aren't on the mailing list... this month represents our big leap. it's a little bit scary but i suppose you have to put yourself out there before you start getting back. we secured our new kitchen. we're going to be doing a wedding or two. a festival up in paradise. we're really doing this ya'll!

Hello friends of Snake & Butterfly!

I know it's been a while since the mailing list has actually been mailed but you've not been forgotten! The honest truth is that things have been so busy around here that I've hardly had time to respond to emails. But fear not, that's good news!

The holiday season was a rousing success! We completely sold out of everything and spent the month of January replenishing. Thank you to everyone who ordered gift boxes and stocking stuffers and corporate packages. As always the feedback was greatly appreciated.

Now we're on to the spring holidays! For Easter we've got two kinds of ganache eggs: peanut butter and rocky road. These are incredible. They're dark but not so rich that kids won't find them yummy too. Also we have new handmade corn-syrup free marshmallow chicks and bunnies. So cute you'll almost feel bad eating them. Please remember to place orders before April 6th if you'd like them to arrive by the Saturday before Easter. And finally, we found out last Friday that we have been approved for our local farmer's market.

Starting mid-April (specifics to follow) we'll be at the downtown Campbell (we're in N.Cal) market from 9.00AM - 1.00PM. This is a year-round market and we plan to be there rain or shine!

On behalf of Ben, Papa Vince, and myself, thank you again for your continued support!

my so called life

today i packed the kids into the bike trailor and rode them up the creek trail to the library. up the big (and unnecessary) hill and down again so we could go really fast and feel the wind. i realized something aside from the fact that i'm terrifically out of shape i never did this shit when i was with bk. i never would have gotten around to doing this shit with bk. awesome important memory making shit like riding bikes to the library with the kids on a blustry tuesday afternoon in march. i think i was always waiting for something. the next stage. the next big decision. i was so caught up in the big stuff. was it always just big stuff with him?

'no, they ain't got a chance, they ain't got a chance i need a gun 'cos all i do is dance 'cos all i do is dance

last sunday bk asked to borrow a suitcase from me. when i asked why he told me he needed to 'move some stuff.' i chuckled and asked him what he meant. 'i just need to borrow a suitcase.' i told him he was being weird and told him to just tell me what he needed it for. 'i feel like there is a lot of stuff that is ours and that i need the suitcase and you can borrow it from me next time you need it. can i get it out of the shed? i may be going on a business trip and i have a lot of stuff to pack.' um...? i told him no, i'll get it and that he was welcome to borrow it but that i'd like it back when he was done. he got a little huffy and said we'd 'talk about it later' and left. on wednesday i forgot to get it out before he came and got the kids. he agreed to get it the next day and reiterated that he didn't get it and wanted to keep it at his place or something. he never called thursday. friday he texted to say that he was going to come after work to pick it up. his shift at the bar ends after 1am. i told him he could get it during the day saturday. he didn't call yesterday until 7pm. told me that he was probably leaving towards the end of the week but that he needed to start packing that night, couldn't wait to get it on sunday when he got the kids. he picked it up sometime after i went to bed.

i'm so confused. i'm pretty sure i offered him whatever 'stuff' he wanted when he left 2.5 years ago. i'm pretty sure all he took was his clothes, his fishing poles, and the contents of the hard liquor cabinet. i'm pretty sure that our divorce was settled a month ago and that page 5 states that 'wife is awarded the following property and liabilities itemized below [...]: [...] 2. household furniture, furnishings and appliances in her possession on the date of the signing of this agreement shall be deemed her sole and separate property.' and so on and so forth. isn't it a little late to be asking me for favors, having it both ways? the only thing that has made this bearable in the least is the idea that i have been able to move on and have my own life. one that i'm in control of and that he can't touch. don't get me wrong, i don't mind loaning the man a fucking suitcase. but why can't it just be 'hey, celeste, i need to borrow a suitcase because i'm going on a business trip. i'll return it when i'm back. would that be okay?' what is the continued need to lie and mindfuck? honest to god... just messin' with me or gonna do something strange? discuss amongst yourselves.

exciting news for snake & butterfly

we just found out this morning that snake & butterfly has been approved for the farmer's market! in a matter of a few weeks you'll be able to come and visit us in downtown campbell. this is a year round market. sooooo excited. details to follow!

I could survive for 60 seconds chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor

free write: now with iPod...

doesn't care, briefly considers writing entirely without pronouns to say such things as: avoids conflict at any cost, has become a tiny and withdrawn, isn't particularly graceful, lets it go lets it go and 'how do you spell it?' is racey-hearted is tiring of the lack of boundaries starting with the time __ walked in on __ in the bathtub opened the fridge, didn't want to give back the house key, thought it was okay to borrow the giant suitcase to 'move things' would let __ borrow it back. she tires of avoiding pronouns and he agrees that it was a stupid endeavor in the first place, just an example of her lacking identity. he aims to hit in that deepest part. calls her names and tells her he loves her in the same breath. lies and tells the truth all while exhaling. easy does it easy does it. she turns the music louder thinks of finding him sitting grinning in the front of the firetruck, unaware that she was terrified she'd never see him again. finds herself back on the couch with the squirrel heartbeat, the birds building nests in the carport, becomes a verb. is fuck. is surrender. is transference. is doing it out of anger. is being taken along for the ride. is sure she can survive this again. telling them no they can't eat the swedish fish because they're for papa - holding him by the lips scolding and apologizing, not sure which is right. is vague and wondering if she could write and write and write it all away again, given a sunny (or rainy) enough day and several things to procrastinate about. she thinks maybe he thinks she's a poor mother, a shitty excuse for a lover. but secretly thinks this. g-r-a-p-e. i can't sit inside that tiny hole, wait for you to be uninhibited enough to let me speak my mind. 'is that all mama?' renzo's documenting the whole thing on a broken camera. sneaking around behind my back. 'how do you spell orange?' *pause* these are demon days and i'm back on lexington watching national geographic on vhs, smelling my grandpa's tshirts, pilfering my grandma's fine point markers, anal retentive even then, never once finishing anything. we fancied ourselves videographers, dirtying babies with ketchup, flushing matches down the toilet, burying our secrets in the dirt. a window broken during the 1989 earthquake left me with a sliver of glass in my heel that travels to the surface. to remind me where i'm from? i am from cancer, artichokes, the boy that felt me up and down- my first kiss 12? 13? knute something or other... we're reminded of him every time we play trivial pursuit. p-e-a-c-h.

tired.

worn out.
will post tomorrow.

the border

this lovely guy (not the lovely one in the stripey pjs) surprised me (for no reason at all) with this and this and this:



that's right. he bought me the finest moisturizer this potentially wrinkle-free face has ever seen. not your traditional romantic gift but damn if i wasn't THIS close to tears. (have i mentioned that i love a good 'free gift with purchase?) plus, it gave me the courage to go through my makeup again and get rid of all the stuff that predates 1996 (NO JOKE, i had lipstick from before i was of legal driving age), in colors that i hate, and that for whatever reason i've never used. ahhh, purge.

a very boring post about my cleaning habits

so last year for my birthday my grandparents got me the MOST AWESOME GIFT EVER: a year of house cleaning (every other week). omg. seriously this has been a dream come true. THANK YOU GRANDMA & GRANDPA! alas, a year (and then some) has passed and i'm out of practice. i'm a neat person in general, but the nity-gritty cleaning typically has happened when i'm depressed or stressed out. in other words, in the months after bk left, the house was REALLY REALLY clean. i'd stay up until three in the morning hand washing the kitchen floor. i'd empty the contents of the bathroom, clean out the cabinets and reorganize. but now, i'm happy. and i generally feel like i have control over my life. ack! i've been reminded that i hate mopping and dusting! so, to make things easier to me i've created a schedule for myself.

daily: make beds, wipe down counters, load/unload dishwasher, do a load of laundry
monday: deep clean the kids' room (change hamster cage, change bedding, go through toys & clothes for donations)
tuesday: deep clean the kitchen (take garbage out, go through fridge, mop floors, clean stove, sink, counters)
wednesday: deep clean the grownup bathroom (change towels, clean sinks, mirrors, tub, shower, floor)
thursday: deep clean living room (deal with pile of bills, crap that collects here)
friday: deep clean kids' bathroom (change towels, clean sinks, mirrors, tub, floor)
saturday: deep clean grownup bedroom (change sheets, organize crap)
sunday: outside (yardwork, etc.)

seem reasonable? what do ya'll do? what am i forgetting?

any else's favorite holiday?

have i mentioned that i love easter? well, the heathen candy-filled, lamb-eating, egg-coloring easter that my family celebrates...
marshmallow chicks & bunnies (no corn syrup!)

here's the ganache eggs we're featuring this spring holiday season: peanut butter & rocky road

'the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation'

and i've been terrifically quiet for some reason. more introspective i guess than outrospective (eh? eh?). i've been doing however. we have a meeting on sunday morning with the director of the farmer's market which i'm so excited about. and today i built a macro photo studio because the ass hat at the camera store refused to sell me one (seriously, would not sell me anything - said it would be wrong to sell me anything for under $800, yeah, right!). anyway, it turned out pretty bad ass and i'll be using it to photograph the ganache easter eggs and bunny/chick alterna-peeps. :D

so, i decided to not file my taxes with bk, because...well because while yes, we were technically married on paper but um, i can file by myself and claim the kids. needless to say he's NOT happy about it and is letting me know it in a relatively blatant way. he doesn't get why i'm legally entitled to claim the kids and why i wouldn't rather file with him and split it. it's unfair and mean. i don't know, um, it was sort of unfair and mean to leave me with two tiny children. but of course i didn't say that. i haven't said boo about the late c/s either because, fuck i'm so done fighting and wasn't that the point of finalizing the divorce? and apparently his lawyer fired him and didn't tell him and i almost feel sorry for him because i was the one to break the news (got a letter from my lawyer).

and please say a few prayers tonight for my mom's aunt who is in kidney failure after fighting a long (and brave) battle with cancer. she's at peace and the family is at peace but positive loving thoughts never hurt anyone at all.

gratuitous tv fluff or what i'm watching

toddlers & tiaras on tlc : this show is good...good like how a car accident is good. oh dear god. i can't look away and i almost feel bad about it. five year olds with fake tans & fake nails & fake hair & fake teeth (flippers) & shaved legs? check. mamas justifying wrastling a miserable two year old into a crazy-floofy leopard print dress so she can be crowned miss supreme? check. swimsuit competition for four year olds with sexy-walk coaches? check. need i say more? and don't worry about this ruining your little girls... miss p thinks the whole thing is weird and doesn't wanna try it.

d and i are watching american idol. very original, i know. *hangs head in shame* i'm currently rooting for adam and megan. and my second rung: danny (wife passed on) and scott (blind guy). and yes, i'm jealous of adam lambert's hair and think men who wear eyeliner are big hotties. so sue me. who ya'll got yer money on?

why didn't i just listen to my mom when she told me ages ago? i luuurve this show. d says he wishes we were friends with dr. house in real life. yeah, me too. if i was braver i'd BE house. like the characters. like the storylines. (disinhibition?!)

and the sixth stage of grief is ... guilt? or the one where we are saved from certain death by jehovah's witnesses

so for whatever reason over the past week or so i've been feeling tremendously guilty in regards to bk/r. almost almost compelled to tell him i'm sorry for whatever my part in our failed marriage was. which i've been feeling like is almost everything. i was cold. i was unkind. i was bossy. i was unwilling to change. i had impossibly high standards. i never wanted to have sex. i expected him to want the same things i did. i've been having guilt dreams, not all related to r, but nonetheless dreams where things are clearly my fault and i know it and i feel like shit about it. i don't know where this stuff is coming from. thankfully, the antidote to my guilt was a text message this morning saying that the child support would be a week late. *le sigh* (shutupyourstupidface i've been working a ton and i'll be just fine.)

not alone for himself, but for every tide-water dog, strong of muscle and with warm, long hair, from Puget Sound to San Diego

landing
still life with guitar
still life: ad from 1999 maxim
out there?
curl
three
two
one
stretch
rooftop
cigar
lips
froyo
snuggie

back from san diego

too sick and too busy to post! ack.

"my family"

from left to right: miss parker, d (he's got long legs so you can tell him apart from d2), lorenzo, d2, and mama. "don't you like the colorful flower mama? it's a tulip!"

the one where i tell you where i'm from

the conversation in in the comments section has been interesting. and i'll put it right out there (in little font): i can be pretty intolerant of people who don't have an interest in learning. am i an intelligence bigot? 8p i do plan on posting a bit more on education, grading, laziness, lack of self-esteem, etc. because it seems to be a fairly hot topic. you've given me a lot to think about. and ya'll know i talk big.

but first, a little backstory that may make my future posts (on the aforementioned, and ONLY the aforementioned) a bit clearer. the town that i grew up in, the one where i now grade (but can't afford to own a home in), has made the forbes america's 100 most expensive zip codes list for the last several years. it ranks pretty damn close to the top (above beverly hills, pebble beach, hanalei...). the median home price is $1.73 million and the median income is over $150,000. there are ferrari, lamborghini, and bentley dealerships in town. my high school has been used to film movies. its state rank is 10/10 and it gets an 850 api score. there are over 30 honors and ap classes offered. 97% of these kids go on to college (79% of their parents have college degrees - 41% graduate degrees). in the class of 2007 at least one student went on to: ucla, stanford, brown, colombia, cornell, georgetown, harvard, scripps...and SO ON. the school (and town) is 81% white & asian. i could go on, but i won't. and no, i'm not bragging so don't hate 'cause i'm a spoiled little rich girl. i assure you i wasn't then, and i'm certainly not now.

let's say that i have a love-hate relationship with my hometown. let's say there are problems here, but that they are different problems. let's say that yes, people have been affected by this shitty economy but perhaps in a different way than the rest of the country. let's say that the purses and jeans and sunglasses here are designer...and so are the drugs. let's say that there isn't gang violence but that there are kids dying in drunk driving accidents. let's say kids here are given perhaps given all the opportunites in the world but less time with their parents. let's say that this is the reality and it isn't good or bad, but it's how it is here. amanda, mike, ya'll have anything to add? anyone who has also grown up in lg? how is it where you grew up?

let me mull on some of this a bit more...